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Thursday, February 16, 2006

Bum...Bum...Bum, Bum...etc.

And now for a DOUI Winter Olympics Update!

- The women's 2-person bobsled was cancelled after an enraged Godzilla accidentally stamped on the track on his way over to the alpine events to get Bode Miller's autograph. No one was killed, but the Swiss #2 team's run did come to a sudden end when they ran into Godzilla's pinky toe.

- Figure skating took an ugly turn when US skater and tough guy Johnny Weir was beaten up by a 12 year old wheelchair-bound girl for referring to Michelle Kwan as a "has been." Weir suffered numerous contusions and lost teeth. Also, his foot was severly broken after being run over 47 times. Weir later told reporters that he was attacked by Italian teamsters, despite there being over 4000 photos of the incident, all which can be found on Yahoo!'s Olympic site.

- Tom Cruise was spotted at the Ice Hockey venue, jumping up and down on the USA team bench during their 3-3 tie with Latvia. Nobody knows why.

- In short-track speed skating everybody fell down repeatedly, to the great delight of the regular "long-track" speed skaters.

- In men's snowboarding, the biggest winner today was ESPN, for having convinced the International Olympic Committee that these X-Games knock off competitions are actual international sports. The medalists themselves, representing France, USA, and Finland, are all from Colorado.

- Curling took an exciting turn today as the Canadian captain received a very nasty splinter in his index finger. He bitterly complained to Curling Monthly that he never should have taken such an agressive sweeping posture with such an old broom. Canada did manage to win their match with Germany though, by a flippant doohickey to a stone's tweezle in the third test.

- Finally, ski-jumping! No news...just "ski-jumping!"


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