It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The Winter Olympics just don't kick enough ass.

He's a man's man. He taunts the press and those who fear him with a smirk and a snide remark. He wears Bono shades and old CCCP-style sweats like he owns the look, and who'll tell him he doesn't. He's a 5 ft. 9 in., 138 lb loose cannon on skates and he's here to kick ass and ask questions later. He's Johnny Weir, America's next Brian Boitano... only a little tougher and with slightly more testosterone.

OK, I can't go on with this facade any longer, I'm afraid as much as they try to hype most men's figure skaters as anything more than the effeminate harlequins they are, I refuse to buy into it. Last night while passing the Olympics in route to Mail Call, a much more manly pursuit, I heard part of an interview with the egotistical Mr. Weir. It seems he is under the mistaken impression that there are people out there who "fear" him and what he might say or do next. I believe that we fear young mister Weir about as much as we fear the blight of limescale in our showers or that last hot dog in the package that we're not sure when we opened.

In pondering the Winter Games I have come to the conclusion that they need to be butched up a little bit to make them more man-friendly. While hockey, biathalon (Dick Cheney's favorite), and the luge are fine rugged events, many of the remainder lack the macho touch that would endear them to your Joe Sixpack. For your consideration, and those of future Winter Olympic committee members, I give you my ideas for three "improved" events that might bring the ratings up in the 20 - 60 mens demographic.

Multiple Angle Ski Jumping



Ski jumping can be thrilling but let's get more guys up there and have them flying over and under each other. Now, that's what I call an exciting, adrenaline rush. The degree of difficulty is enhanced by the addition of George W. Bush chasing them on a Segway.

Biathalon and Speed Skating Combined



Two great sports that taste great together; the taste of black powder that is. Speed skaters get a pretty easy time of it, but not with our crack shot biathaletes taking aim at them. The speed skaters do get to carry one handgun with them and as much body armor as they can use without losing speed. Notice how Ohno uses the Glock with precision on those tight corners.

Bobsled of Death



Duck boys, now it's OUR turn. 20 mm Vulcan cannons placed at strategic location along the route allow the home viewer to get into the action. For a small fee, you can guide the guns to their target using our easy internet interface. Let's see if they take those turns high now. With every 10 hits home viewers can win a Bobsled of Death 2006 t-shirt and a trip to visit your team in the hospital.

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