Bum...Bum...Bum, Bum...Bum...

No, that's not a Madonna song entitled "Ode to My Posterior" that you're hearing. It is in fact the well known Olympic Fanfare, because it's time for the Torino Olympics! (Or as they say in Germany, Der Olympische Torgenfarfenugen!)

Yes, tonight was the opening ceremonies, and it was a fantastic gala. Some of the highlights included Mummenchanz forming a giant symbolic Euro in protest of the €32 million cost of the Opening Ceremonies (Mummenchanz were not on the official programme), Luciano Pavarotti singing Born Free and Who Put the Bop in the Bop-Shoe-Bop-Shoe-Bop, A giant spaghetti noodle that was manipulated to form the words "Touch Our Pits" (to be fair, you try to form words out of a single strand of spaghetti...also, my Italian is quite rusty), culminating in the release of a flock of doves, who immediately flew down and pecked to death Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who had snuck in to Turin (or as the Russian's call it Turgenstanovich) to see the games...And they call the dove the "bird of peace!"

The athletes marched in afterwards, starting with the country in which the Olympic Games originated: Barbados. No, you caught me, I was only kidding. It was in fact Burma. The loudest applause was for the Tahiti Olympic team, which wore traditional costumes made of air. The United States and Great Britain were warmly welcomed by everyone but the dead Iranian President whose tape-recorded boos were played by Iranian security staff. When asked why they did it, they responded, "Well, we didn't like our President very much, but it's better than just standing around covered in pigeon crap."

Finally, the crowd at the the Torino Stadium (or Shingen Turugatumarumashita in Japanese) got to see what they were waiting for, as Paul McCartney arrived in the Italian President's private box. After that, the torch was brought in by Soupy Sales, who is 1/29th Italian. He passed it off to Tony Danza, who handed it to the ashes of Federico Fellini, who handed it to the grandson of Chico Marx, who passed it to Al Pacino, who then handed it to Sophia Loren by mistake, because dammit, even at 85 the woman is still gorgeous. At last the Olympic flame was lit by that most revered figure of Italian sport, Pele...and the Games are now underway!

More reports, as they come in or as we see fit to make up.