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Sunday, February 12, 2006

Winged 'im!!!

U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter during an outing Saturday. The victim, a Texas lawyer, is stable in an intensive care unit of a hospital in Corpus Christi. Other reports coming in though are far less reliable:

  • The Vice President issued an apologetic press release, saying, "When you've been in an undisclosed location for as long as I have, you tend to startle easy when someone suddenly walks up behind you."
  • Osama Bin Laden surrenders to Pakistani forces. "I'll do anything," he cried, "just keep that madman Cheney and his killer shotgun barrels away from me!"
  • The White House issued a press release."The Vice President seemed really happy until he realized it wasn't George Soros he'd shot ."
  • Another member of the hunting party commented, "Harry was coming through the brush and shouted, 'Hey, Dick!' Vice President Cheney apparently forgot his name for a moment and thought he was being insulted."
  • In-between scarfing bags of Doritos and plotting mayhem in his next court session, Ex-Iraqi Dictator Saddam Hussein ridiculed the Vice President, saying, "When I go hunting with friends and accidentally shoot one of them, they never survive!!"
  • "Oh, how I've longed to hunt that most elusive of animals, man!" exclaimed the Vice President with a playful snarl in Vanity Fair.
  • A local resident, Bubba Smithereens explained, "That thar lawyer was pretty lucky. I've seen ol' Vice President Cheney take the head clean offa fellow hunter in past days. Good thing for him he was only usin' buckshot and not his usual first choice... a bazooka."
  • "When you gonna learn to get your head down, Harry!" Harry Whittington's account of the Vice President's first words to him after the incident.
  • "Another victim of this insane war in Iraq!" DNC Chair Howard Dean, shortly before receiving news that the event had nothing to do with Iraq...and a large sedative.
  • N.Y. Times headline: "Cheney Shoots Fellow Hunter"
  • N.Y. Post headline: "Cheney Bags Lawyer for Trophy"
  • Weekly World News Headline: "Cheney Hunts People...Develops Taste for Human Flesh"

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