Damn! My chicken salad sandwich bit me!

I recently read one of the most disturbing articles I've ever seen online: "Surprise: Chickens Can Grow Teeth."

Excuse me while I shudder nervously. The fact that the article describes the chicken in question as a "mutant" does not give me any solace.

This has terrible implications for the food industry. With teeth, chickens automatically move ahead of beef (ferocious bulls with firearms excepted) on the food intimidation scale, just beneath lobster.

The worst part is the likelihood that all of those cows painting "Eat More Chicken" on roadside billboards are about to have their arses chewed by some seriously vicious hens. Expect the company to change their name to "Beef Fil A" any day now.

What's next, sheep with poison fangs? Grouper with giant whiplike stingers? Pheasant with razor-sharp cockscombs?? Shrimp with atomic breath like Godzilla??? Eating should only be dangerous for the food.

Somehow, I suspect Ingrid Newkirk is behind this.