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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

I'll give you three sticks of chewing gum and a rump roast, and that's my final offer!

I was just sitting around contemplating the awful fate of that Romanian footballer who got purchased by another team for 15 kilos of meat, when I realised that this system of barter between sports clubs might not be a bad idea. Food is a precious commodity in many parts of the world. Why shouldn't we use it alongside cold, hard cash? I suppose the only disadvantage would be that if bacon were money, I'd constantly be eating into my profits. (Yes, that was a horrible joke.)

So, as a public service to boards of athletic clubs and franchises, here is a short list of athlete valuations from various sports for those looking to dabble in the transfer/free agent market.


David Beckham (Spanish Liga - Real Madrid) - 20 kg Beef Wellington, 1/2 pan of quiche, 30 kg Bangers and Mash, one Toblerone chocolate bar.
Yao Ming (NBA - Houston Rockets) - 100 kg Szechuan Beef, 14 spring rolls, side of rice
Shaquille O'Neal (NBA - Miami Heat) - 250 lbs. Ham, one bottle of Sprite
Barry Bonds (MLB - San Francisco Giants) - 20,000 lbs. "Enhanced" Protein Shake.
Ruud Van Nistelrooy (English Premier League - Manchester United) - 85 kg Stroopwafels, two dozen Harings
Alastair Cook (Cricket - Essex) - 2,000 kg Twiglets, 2 lt Irn Bru
Shizuka Arakawa (Figure Skater - Japan) 100 kg teriyaki-flavoured shaved ice
Matt Hasselbeck (NFL - Seattle Seahawks) - 175 lbs. grouper, chips, tartar sauce, and a Diet Coke
Tiger Woods - 10,000,000 lbs. Gold Plated lobster, 1 Pad Thai Noodle take away.
Sasha Cohen (Figure Skater - USA) - 1200 sugar biscuits/cookies, Shirley Temple cocktail, 1 McDonald's Happy Meal
Terrell Owens (NFL - Philadelphia Eagles) - 1400 lbs. Big Mouth Bass
Thierry Henry (English Premier League - Arsenal) - The entire world supply of caviar.
Bode Miller (Alpine Skier - USA) - Empty beer bottle, 4 peppermint Tic Tacs


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