Bobby Knight Has Mellowed?

Forget for a moment that Bobby Knight is the coach everyone loves to hate. (As I'm Christian, hate isn't really the right expression. "Loath in brotherly love," or "The last person I'd want to be stuck in a lift with," come to mind.) Forget also that the article I'm linking to this evening was clearly written by a teenager, taking a break from writing on his local school sports section. (Best clue: The concluding sentence of the article reads "And not with a coach who looks like he's ready for some yuks with the cast of the 'Surreal Life 8.'" Using the word "yuks" with any degree of seriousness is a sure sign that puberty is still in onset.)

Bobby Knight is not his old self.

The fiery Texas Tech gaffer, formerly of the Indiana Hoosiers, formerly of Army, the man who threw chairs and unapologetically stuffed a Puerto Rican police officer into a wastebin, has used the word "Naw" in an interview, instead of his usual string of expletives borrowed from Jack Nicholson in The Last Detail. He's obviously softening up. Which makes for bad television, because the old, spittle flecking, swear-breathing, psycho Bobby Knight was a sports programmer's dream come true.

He needs our help. Here are a few suggestions for how Bobby can get his groove back.

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8 Ways to Get Bobby Knight Back to His Old &#$%&*!@ Self

• Let's start with the obvious: Throw a chair. Billy Packer always makes a good target. I'm not saying to hit Billy Packer. At Bobby's advance age, the chair would merely give Billy a good scare... and Bobby a welcome rush of adrenaline.
• Cut a Rap Album. Bobby has the vocabulary (and then some). He has a streetwise sense of rhythm, honed by years on the court. All he needs are trousers 3 sizes too big for him and someone from UCLA with a grudge against him. The trousers are the tough part.
• Slap a Few Players Around. Of course, in this day and age, he'd need to get a signed release first. Also a bodyguard, as today's players fight back.
• Take the summer and do that one man tour as a Howard Dean impersonator. It's eerie how similar they are, especially the shouting. Plus, as an actor, Knight can play the primadonna and actually win fans. "Step on my face again, Coach Knight! You were wonderful in the New Hampshire Primary scene!"
• Buy a Hummer. Sorry, I've just heard those Hummer adds on the radio and it seems like the solution to every problem is to buy a Hummer. Apparently, owning a vehicle large enough to drive over a mobile home eliminates life's messy travails.
• Vitalis. That's right. Dye those grey locks brown, or whatever colour they were before years of high blood pressure and missed defensive assignments turned them white. Regain that lost vigour, at least in your head... or on it. Of course there is a downside, as the birds dig the grey hair! Really!
• Become United States Secretary of Defense. Nothing would bring back the old Knight charm like pushing around reporters in a press conference. Bobby's become almost folksy these days. A few verbal smackdowns of David Gregory would get his chops back. Plus, as a bonus, the Iraqi insurgents would surrender in a day. Would you want Bobby Knight in charge of the military fighting your side?
• Marry Jennifer Lopez. Let's face it. Bobby needs crazy more than anything, and there are very few legitimate shortcuts. If J-Lo's not available, Paula Abdul would do in a pinch.