It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Monday, March 12, 2007

300, a Trustworthy Review of Golden Cinema

I just witnessed one of the violentest and most golden-hued motion pictures in the history of violent, golden-hued motion pictures. It goes by the title "300" and tells the tale of 300 nude beardy persons who faced down a hostile army of shrieking, hippo-like, make-up persons in the historical battle which determined the fate not only of Greece and America, but the combined destinies of every mortal being which has ever lived since the beginning of time.

There is a lot of historical accuracy in this movie, enough that I began to question whether "300" was made by Hollywood types or, perhaps, by a cadre of select Doctorate level historians. So many details are right on the money, from the charging rhino wearing jewelry and nose-gloss to the ancient Palpatine-like Greek priests who live in the temple that is situated about four feet away from the moon. It's all just right. Just exactly right, as if the living page of history burst out of my satchel with a rainbow glittery suddenness and came into being before my eyes.

I couldn't recommend this movie more, especially to those who like unnecessary nudity, drugged weird ladies in gossamer, creepy licking Palpatines, pierced cheeks, wild and nutty hunchbacks on the loose, and unpredictable elephants going straight-up bananas. It has a little bit of everything, except for blood and decapitated tender heads, which it has more than a little bit of, even unto the level of seven pints of each in every single scene. Sometimes heads get cut off by Spartan swords, sometimes weird bloated knife-hand monsters cut them off in slow motion, and sometime they just suddenly fall off for no reason and start rolling around like reanimated bowling balls looking for a platter of blood sandwiches.

Some journalists have been looking for modern parallels between the movie "300" and current events, wondering aloud which politicians are represented by Xerxes and King Leonidas, and also wondering how to put their pants on in the morning as they blindly stumble around in their Manhattan apartments with brains clearly leaking out of their ear canals, leaving hollow skulls full of emptiness within which to come up with these crazy ideas. As for me, I think it is clear that King Xerxes (appearing here in his second motion picture since "One Night with the King") is clearly meant to represent Dick Cheney, as they both share cheek piercings, golden forehead chains, plucked eyebrows and voices that have been pitched down an octave in a studio. Also, they are both nine feet tall. Good job, journalists of the world, for noticing the similarities. Prizes are coming your way for your astute observations. Your contributions to world culture and society have elevated you to the level of "not half bad."

Check out "300" at a motion picture venue near you. Bring plenty of soap for eye-washing afterwards. I give it a 14 out of 15.5.

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