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Thursday, April 13, 2006

Being a ninja isn't easy.

At least that's what one would be Georgia Bulldog ninja found out as he left a college "Pirates vs. Ninjas" party. The feds nabbed him.

According to the Fox News story, University of Georgia student Jeremiah Ransom was jogging on his way to a school cafeteria when Federal Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearm agents noticed the masked, black-robed, would-be ninjitsu practicioner running through the campus. The agents apparently even shouted "Freeze!", which quite frankly wouldn't have worked against a real ninja, as they tend to speak Japanese. The guns the agents were waving around definitely caught this ninja's attention though. I wouldn't be surprised if the black sweatpants Ransom was wearing were a bit damp about the middle, if you catch my meaning.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Why was a Fox News story about a Georgia ninja filed as being from Tacoma, Washington? Well, isn't this how ninjas operate? One moment they're skulking across the campus of a major southern university and the next moment they're climbing the walls of a Pacific coast city. They're tricky little bastards.

That's probably why the ATF was on campus in the first place. What else would they be there for, bootlegged cigarettes? Too many keggers? Someone caching bazookas in their dorm room?

Where the ATF really messed up is on the pirates. Not one report of a pirate arrest was noted. You'd think they be easier to catch than ninjas, what with the peglegs and the fact that Athens, where the University of Georgia is located, is landlocked. I mean, what are they going to do, sail away up Sandy Creek?

Pirates can't hide the way ninjas do either. The eyepatches make it difficult to manoeuvre through bushes and foilage, and even if they successfully navigate this, the bloody parrot squawking gives them away.

They would have found loads more alcohol with the pirates as well. They were sure to find rum, brandy, tequila, rum, whiskey, schnapps, rum, creme de menthe, triple sec, rum, Grand Marnier, sweet vermouth, coolers, Budweiser, Miller Lite, rum, Bass Ale, rum, Fat Tire, rum, rum, rum, scotch, rum (Pirates really like rum!), rum, rum, Coors, Watney's Red Barrel, rum, Red Stripe, rum, Bailey's Irish Cream, rum, Guinness, and vodka.

Let's face it. They went after the ninja because ninjas are much cooler. How many federal investigators want to get back to the office and explain how they got a scar from someone's hook? It all sounds so S&M. Even worse, imagine the agent who has to explain how they were savaged by some scurvy blighter's Blue Gold Macaw.

No, better to show up with a dazzling katana wound, having just dodged a hail of poisoned throwing stars. Come to think of it, when the ATF blokes found out it was just a university student, I suspect they were quite disappointed.

"Shall we go and get the pirates, Bob?"

"Nah, Joe... what's the point of doing that now. They're probably all drunk and asleep anyway. Man, I thought that kid was a ninja!"


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