Some quick answers for Stew in reverse order...

Most pathetic?

10. Thomas Dolby
9. Kevin Federline
8. Kevin Federline stealing melodies from Thomas Dolby
7. Kevin Federline stealing melodies from M.C. Hammer stealing melodies from Rick James stealing melodies from Paul Williams (admittedly theoretical)
6. Brittney Spears bearing Kevin Federline's child, or reproducing at all for that matter
5. The idea that Oprah will be on 26 years from now (Now, Oprah, we love you but Seinfeld didn't run that long...)
4. Thomas Dolby getting any sort of press whatsoever these days.
3. Katie Holmes' common sense
2. The idea that someone can't say the word "push" during childbirth. I suppose they use hand signals like cyclists, or maybe French, like that scene in The Big Red One?
1. Anne Archer's cerebal cortex

Bonus list: I think a really good practical joke during the TomKat "silent birth" would be to stand outside the top secret location with a megaphone and shout the following phrases. If, as Scientologists contend, the child is affected by words said or screamed during childbirth, these would have the added benefit of mentally preparing the child for their future life with their two looney bird parents.

10. "Dianetics? Wasn't that Jane Fonda's exercise program?"
9. "Mission Impossible 3 sucks like a Theatan energy field!"
8. "Daddy, how come I can't bounce on the couch but you do it all the time?"
7. "Mommy will get custody in the breakup, for what it's worth!"
6. "Avoid the Kool Aid!"
5. (With apologies to Bill Cosby, from whom this is quoted) "Push 'em out, push 'em out, waaaay out!"
4. "Hey! There's a spaceship landing out here!! Never mind...it's for Farrakan!"
3. (Sung)"YMCA! It's fun to be at the YMCA!"
2. "Somebody normal adopt me!! Where's Trump when you need him?"
1. "I want to go to boarding school!!"