It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Slogans Whose Time Have Come...

You know that feeling when you pass a store or see a product and you think, "Why the hell would anyone ever buy that?" I have that feeling all the time. Being a semi-creative type, I always try to channel such negative passions into positive work. So, to help get your new year off to a proper start, I'd like to present you with some product slogans that I think are honest and long overdue...

Hummer - Show the world the boxy, ugly, oversized you.
Burger King - Have it your way...maybe, if we're paying attention.
Knott's Berry Farm - What'd you expect? Disneyland?
Target - Like Wal-Mart, only more expensive and without underpaid senior citizens manning the exits.
Sanyo - Sounds like Sony...sort of.
Apple Computers - Still clinging to solvency! (Alternate slogan: We put meat in your hard drive!)
Trump Golf Courses - Nothing calms your nerves before that big putt like the sound of a raging waterfall. (Free Copy of Trump: The Golfer with every greens fee!)
First Act Musical Instruments - Cheap enough for your kids to break in, or just break!
Sears - Still in malls, nationwide!! Seriously! Just walk past the Dillards and we're right there, just to the left, past the Hallmark's. No, not the J.C. Penney's...the big empty one, without all the customers!
WaldenBooks - Owned outright by Barnes and Noble, so you know we're good!
ABC - Still looking for the kind of programming you might watch on your most desperate day.
K-Mart - Still selling Martha Stewart products! Just look for the fine goods in the black and white-striped packaging!
General Motors - Now, almost as good as Japanese cars!
Sonic - Twice the grease of McDonald's, three times the salt, and all of the taste!!
Foster's - The Australian beer for Americans who've never been to Australia, where few people drink the stuff except for Paul Hogan in commercials for serious quid.
Dreamworks - Recently Purchased Outright
Enzyte Male Enhancement Product - We'll add inches to your credit card statement...but that's about all we can ever guarantee. (Alternate slogan: For really stupid people with feelings of inadequacy, like our Board of Directors! Alternate, alternate slogan: We wish we could put meat in your hard drive!)
RC Cola - We're still number 27!!! After Coke, Pepsi, 7-Up, Sprite, Dr. Pepper, A&W, Barq's, Mr. Pibb, Irn-Bru, Kawasaki Samurai Cola, Mozambique Natural Gingko Ginger Ale, Tibetian Tinkle, Budapest Bubbly, etc., etc.
The Houston Texans - Every NFL team's homecoming opponent (If the NFL had homecoming, of course)!
Sunderland FC - Every Premier League team's homecoming opponent (If Premier...erm, you get the drift...)
Microsoft - Still taking over the world, one PC at a (This post mysteriously cancelled.)

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