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Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Wow that jumper will go perfectly with my phlegm!

As I sit here, wearing the brand new Highbury memorial Arsenal jersey, with my name and favourite number on the back that my lovely wife got me for Christmas (it even has the Barclays Premier League sleeve patch...meaning I could pass for an Arsenal player, if I lose 20 pounds, dye my grey hair, change my surname to Bergkamp, and keep half my face covered so knowledgeable people don't spot the difference)...I realize I am in no position to complain about odd or unfortunate Christmas gifts. Nonetheless, as a service to our 4 to 6 readers who are in such a position, allow me to offer some helpful advice on what to do with these gifts on future Christmases.

Earl Fando's Practical Advice on What to Do When Receiving a Really Awful Christmas Gift.

1. Stay positive - It is Christmas, and one must remember the spirit in which the gift is given, even if it clearly was the result of someone rushing out at the last minute to get you something, because they suddenly remembered that you were a close relative. So, be thankful and creative in your response to even the most atrocious gift. In other words, lie. Some examples:

- Gee, Aunt Myrtle, how did you know a was a devoted fan of barbershop quartet disco music? I can't wait to track down an old 8-track and jam to this amazing compilation!
- Wow, Uncle Tom! These "Hobo" brand trainers are even better than the Nike ones all your kids are wearing! You must love me even more than them!!
- Great-grandmother Loonie-Mae, I can't tell you just how often I'll wear this new Speedo bathing-suit. No, I'm sure I can still squeeze into a junior size!

2. Think of creative uses for the gift - Just because someone sent you a gift with a particular use in mind doesn't mean you have to actually use the gift in that way, especially if that person lives thousands of miles away and has vowed never to visit you in person. Some possibilities:

- Convert a garish pair of trousers into a handy oil rag. If it accidentally catches on fire, so much the better!
- Use that awful abstract expressionist painting as a floor mat in the garage. Or burn it and use the oil paint fumes to kill localized bug infestations.
- The enormous photo of your hideous Great Aunt Immogene will make a terrific mask for your scarecrow! (Farmers only - Non-farmers should just burn the thing.)
- An ugly coffee table is a great way to heat up a fireplace.

3. Regift - Your cheapskate co-worker doesn't know your vulgar second cousin in Australia...so they can't care if you send the ridiculous ham sandwich shaped table lamp they gave you overseas forever.

Remember to only regift to people who have no possible connection and especially to people who are not likely to regift the gift to people who might regift that gift to you, or you'll have to regift the gift to someone other than the regiftee you originally regifted to, or worse, might inadvertently regift the gift to the person who originally sent the gift to you in the first place, which is a rather large faux pas.

I'll have to end the post there, as that last one has made my head swim.

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