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Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Hark, Geraldo angels sing...wait that can't be right.

Well I missed it. Last night something important came up and I missed the Barbara Walters special on:
Heaven, Where is it? and How do we get there? I had to give the cat a bath and totally lost track of the time. I'm sure it was riveting television and I guess I'll just have to catch it when it comes on next year. In the meantime I have come up with some ideas for Barbara to tackle next time.

Heaven: Where is it? How do we get there? and Will there be a fruit and cheese tray? - Similar to her latest offering but with the additional twist of how heavenly hospitality is handled.

Breaking into Heaven: Can it be done? - A special report with Barbara and old pal Geraldo Rivera, in which Geraldo attempts to break into heaven but finds he's only in a dank basement in the Bronx. An excerpt:

Geraldo: Barbara, we're breaking the wall down now. (sounds of jackhammers smashing brick, then a wall falling down) I think we're in now the dust is horrible but it seems to be settling.

Man: (sitting in his basement drinking a beer) Hey, what the ^$*&% are youz doin'?

Geraldo: St. Peter?

(The man gets up and punches Geraldo in the face breaking his glasses in half)

Cheddar: Is it the most popular cheese? and What about colby? - Thrilling expose of which is the most popular cheese in America and why.

The sun: Is it really THAT hot? - Barbara sends John Quinones to research if the sun is actually as hot as scientists think it is. Let's just say...it is.

John Quinones: Can we contact him in the afterlife? He might know where Heaven is. - Barbara queries various religious experts like soothsayers, mediums, shamen, and carnival fortune tellers on the potential of contacting John and finding out about the afterlife.

I'm sure she can strike off in many directions with this kind of pedantic journalism. Let's just hope for John's sake that she keeps it down to earth. (Pun intended)

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