It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Something to think about this Christmas season.

Tomorrow night Barbara Walters will take on one of the toughest subjects she has ever reported on in a very intriguing 2 - hour special. Is it the tobacco industry? Been there, done that. The scourge of radical right-wing conservative Skull and Bones members who are trying to form a Zionist state? Did it, did it, did it, and starting a weblog about it. No, tomorrow night Barbara will try to unlock the secret to: Heaven: Where is it? and, How do we get there? Would it be enough just to tell Barbara that it's no secret, Christ's grace extends to all who call upon him and believe in his life, death, and resurrection? I fear the answer is no, for into this season of Christian symbolism and quasi-Christian symbolism, Barbara brings together a diverse group of everyone from islamic terrorists, Baptist preachers, Catholic theologists, right down to the Dalai Lama himself.

Of the Dalai Lama Barbara asks, "Are we closer to heaven or to hell?" Earl and I are split on this one, I believe that the Dalai would say, "Barbara as I sit here listening to your painfully inept questioning I must imagine that we are about as close to hell as we can get." Earl, however, believes that the Lama would be more the smooth operator, stating, "Barbara it is heaven just being in your presence. I can see the heaven in your eyes." Either way, I don't see us getting any answers to anything in this two hour show, other than to find that all of these people don't agree with one another leaving most viewers right back in the position they were when they tuned in. I decided if we were going to answer such deep, far reaching questions we should have a panel of real experts on the subject. I turned to celebrities Tom Cruise, Madonna, Kid Rock, and Cameron Diaz.

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Stew: Where is Heaven?

Tom: I know, I've studied it and I know you don't get there by taking anti-depressants and going to a psychiatrist.

Stew: But where is it?

Tom: You just don't get it do you?

Madonna: I don't think we really know. I think if we knew, then we wouldn't be asking the question.

Stew: Would you please stop gyrating like that.

Madonna: Sorry.

Stew: Kid Rock, are we closer to Heaven or to Hell?

Kid Rock: Man, like wow! I freakin' never thought of it like that... Hell?

Stew: Any reason for saying that?

Kid Rock: (thinks)(drinks malt liquor)(thinks harder)(thinking really hard) Mmmmm, no.

Stew: Cameron Diaz, why are you here tonight?

Cameron Diaz: I'm just here to boost the hits on your site Stew, you handsome beast.

Stew:(snaps out of daydream) I'm sorry.

Cameron: I said I think that it's closer than we think, maybe we live there now.

Stew: If Heaven were one color and hell another color, what colors would they be?

Cameron: Heaven would be paisley and hell would be the color of lime sherbert.

Madonna: Ebony and Ivory, together in perfect harmony.

Stew: Why did you say that?

Madonna: I don't know, I just love Stevie Wonder and I thought the question had a Stevie vibe to it.

Stew: Kid Rock, any idea of what your answer might be?

Kid Rock: Oh man I don't know... seven.

Stew: George, Sam, Andrew and Brandon each had four dates to four different Parish Center Dances with four different girls, named Cher, Connie, Melissa and Kendra. On the second date, George dated Connie and Brandan dated Kendra. On the third date Andrew went out with Melissa and Sam went out with Connie. Melissa went out with George and Cher went out with Sam on the fourth date. Which of them would go to Heaven?

Tom: Are Cher and George on anti-depressants?

Stew: Would you shut up about the anti-depressants!!!!!!!

Kid Rock: Oh, that's easy...Cher ain't goin' to heaven man.

Madonna: Are Sam and George cute?

Cameron Diaz: Does your site have enough hits, I really want to leave?

Stew: Actually I think it's time for all of you to go. Maybe this IS best left to Barbara Walters.

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