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Thursday, December 15, 2005

Speaking of sex...

...I chose that title to see just how many people's head would whip around to the article, once they saw it. My apologies for the whiplash.

I'm actually wanting to comment on what has to be the raunchiest commercial I've seen this year, apart from the male enhancement commericals featuring the slack-jawed smiling baboon, euphemistiacally named "Bob." (I'm sure it's a euphemism. I think it's Welsh.)

You know the Bob commericials. Bob smiles like a really happy zombie, dives into the pool, and comes out with his trunks still floating in the water. As Bob continues to smile, the women at poolside stare in his direction as though an anaconda had followed him out of the pool. The men stare as though they were at a showing of Brokeback Mountain, after having been assured it was nothing more than a remake of High Noon. The television audience prays that Bob will be killed from smiling so intensely.

This commercial is worse. I can't even remember the name of the company, so appallingly tasteless was the spot. It's a cell phone company, I think know that much.

The ad consists of a courtesan, or as they colorfully call them in the part of the U.S. where I live, a "hooker" (U.K. residents can have lots of fun with their rugby playing mates with that one.) Anyway, this scantily-clad trollop is on a large bed, near the edge, straddling the prostate body of a fully clothed man whom she identifies as "Senator." The "Senator" appears to have dropped dead from a heart attack, presumably as he looks to be in his 70's and he has a 20's something streetwalker wrapped around him like white chocolate around a large, grey Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

The "lady of the evening" realizes that this aged and possibly senile politician, is in fact in the process of snuffing it, and so she does the only logical thing a prostitute can do whilst straddling a 70 year old senator in a motel bedroom, whilst wearing nothing but a bra, knickers, and garters: She pounds on his chest and begins to bounce up and down on him.

The slogan is something like "Don't die before these phones come out." I was actually pleasantly surprised at that. I was expecting something along the lines of "Die with a hooker bouncing on top of you!"

My biggest fear about some commericals is that my child will walk in during them, while I'm looking around for the remote, and ask just what's going on. My problem: Do I use the word "senator" when referring to the man? Do I use the word "nurse" when referring to the harlot? Or, do I simply throw up my hands, cover my child's eyes and loudly announce, "They're just selling telephones, dear!"?

This is what happens when college kids are allowed to make adverts. Next, it'll be topless dancers hawking portable grills or nudists selling auto batteries. Product? What product?


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