Readers Digest - a new low in loss.

January's Reader's Digest, in addition to the usual recycled jokes from Milton Berle's Private Joke File and A Prarie Home Companion's Annual Joke Show, contains an article which promises to change people's lives by helping them lose weight for good. No, it's not a plan that involves massive quantities of bacon. If it were, I'd be in the kitchen implementing it right now.

The article: 50 different little exercises and dietary substitutions you can do and make throughout the day to burn calories.

Samples:

-Ballerina leg lifts while waiting on your coffee to perculate (or drip, as the author put it...there's definitely a drip here, that's for sure.) Maybe this worked for Martha Graham, but I couldn't lose weight this way as the lifts would have me in traction inside 30 seconds.

-Change from soda to fruit juice or diet soda. Such genius! Why didn't any of us think of that? Who knew that soda is fattening?? She'll get the Nobel for that one. Sarcasm ends here.

-And my favorite, for sheer insipidness, eat apples. Apples, the miracle weight loss fruit. Morgan Spulock, take that. you'd have lost weight if you'd have had the fried apple pie with all those double Quarter Pounder with Cheeses. What about apple soda though?

-Sex. Of course, this is the Reader's Digest, so the actual term was "whoopie." Somewhere, Bob Eubanks is smiling, in-between autographs at the Safeway.

I'm sorry, but Reader's Digest continues to balance its collection of inspirational and human interest stories with trumped up twaffle that is so painful to read, I actually lost weight from the blood oozing out of my eyeballs and ears. My ears are still ringing.

Does the author of this piece, who shall remain nameless to protect the daft, really think this collection of little handy weight-loss tips will become the health and fitness plan of anyone outside of a few geezer pensioners who remember when Reader's Digest used to make sense?

Apparently so, as she included at least one testimonial from a woman who claims to have lost 70 pounds using this scattershot approach. I suspect that some radical gastric bypass surgery, and/or a vicious personal trainer equipped with a bullwhip was involved. Perhaps she spent a lot more time at Subway that she admitted to the Reader's Digest writer. Jared did it.

Hmmmm...I did just notice the suggestion that beer and wine are less fattening than mixed drinks, such as strawberry daquiris or margaritas. I may have to reconsider the whole thing over the Fat Tire ale sitting on my coaster as I write this. I may not actually lose weight, but chances are, I will forget all about the article itself.

Cheers. (Takes a delicious sip) What was I writing about?