It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Resolute! Erm...yeah sure mate, whatever.

The New Year's resolution. That happy tradition where an individual looks at the fallacies and weaknesses in their life and resolves to change one or two of them. Then, determined and resolute, they stride forward with confidence and brimming with satisfaction and their new self-determinancy.

For most people this lasts all of 48 hours before they realise that actually following through with that plan to walk two miles a day requires getting up off the very comfortable sofa that they've grown accustomed to over the last decade. Or, for those that have resolved to eat a more healthy diet, that the taste of broccoli and sprouts was much more foul that they remembered, and that no amount of seasoning, from a flicker of salt, to a dash of chop sauce, to pouring an entire flask of spicy chutney over the top and then dousing it in extra-stout Guinness, will cover the taste.

Still, we try and in rare moments, with God's grace and a bit of fortitude and discipline, we make progress. I for example, after an illness a few years back, decided to make bottled water my regular drink, rather than the two litres of soda I washed everything down with each day. I still have one, no more than two, non-water drinks a day, but I am certain that had I not made this change I would weigh over 400 pounds now, rather than the much more comfortable 200 pounds I'm at now. I could go lower if I'd only resolve to not consume my weight in bacon and bangers at the local breakfast buffet.

Anyway, resolutions are a good thing. So, in the spirit of resolute - ting, I'd like to suggest a few resolutions for some well known people, in the hopes that their lives would benefit, and that they wouldn't pop up on one of the lists I compiled last night.

  • Tom Cruise - Where to begin? Dump Scientology so you'll have enough cash to buy a clue, stay off the couches, and treat Katie like a queen rather than the social fashion accessory she currently is. ("Katie, you can stay home today. I've decided to wear the belt with the really big brass buckle. Yes, like the guy on the Brawny paper towel package!")
  • Katie Holmes - Brad Pitt. If you're going to go old, you might want to go sane as well. Trust me, Angelina will move on.
  • Sir Alex Ferguson - Not to mumble so much and to lay off on Arsenal comments. It's everyone against Chelsea now. I don't care how bloody big he thinks United is. It doesn't matter a whit when you're nine points down in the table behind the blokes from Stamford Bridge. Personally, I think Sir Alex is sentimental and longs for the days when people cared enough to throw pizza at him from the tunnel.
  • Ashley Simpson - To grow out of her big sister's shadow and finally live up to her own unique potential, whatever that may be as it doesn't appear to be in the music industry. I know one thing. Ashley just has to be a better actress than Jessica.
  • Saddam Hussein - To never, ever, be photographed without trousers. Ever. Ever.
  • Howard Dean - To make the leap into professional wrestling at last. The man is simply too wild and untamed to be left to politics. He needs to be piledriving washed-up college linebackers, not debating economic and foreign policy analysts by squinting at them and grtting his teeth dramatically.
  • Ronaldinho - To resist the need to make the rest of the world's footballers, with the exception of Thierry Henry, feel so bleeding inadequate. If the game was played with three footballs, this bloke could manage them all on his own. Simply amazing. Ronaldinho...three words: "Sign for Arsenal."
  • HM Elizabeth II - To bat the family about the ears more often before the monarchy goes down the tubes completely.
  • Dick Cheney - To personally handle interrogations of terrorists. This man can make a Siberian tiger bleed internally by just staring at him. Pit Bulls chew their own heads off just to avoid the man's relentless and merciless gaze. Laura Bush once dislocated her own shoulders to avoid brunch with the Vice-President. Who needs torture when you've got a bloke who could stare down Mike Ditka into a puddle of his own sweat.
  • Ben Affleck - Listen, if I have to tell you, you really need to read this blog more often. I'd really prefer to avoid the topic altogether if you don't mind. Why'd you bring it up in the first place?
  • Kim Jong Il - To jump off a ruddy bridge.
  • J.K. Rowling - To treat Her Majesty Elizabeth, with the kindness and respect befitting someone of her lower economic status.
  • Emeril Lagasse- To only yell "Bam!" once a week, to cut down on the saliva levels in the dishes.
  • Al Zarqawi - To accidentally blow himself up a few times.
  • Martha Stewart - To go into rap music, where a rap sheet is a positive boon these days. She and 50-Cent would make a lovely couple. Plus, with the money rap music brings in, she'd own Trump's arse in a month.
  • 50-Cent - Change name to "$2.75" and watch out for matronly ex-con stalkers. Also, to buy Canada.
  • Donald Trump - Bald is in big guy.
  • Stew Miller - Get that Internet connection fixed, and let Zimpter drive the Batmobile now and again. Also, tell Lucas that grassoline will soon be replaced by fuel cells made from cow methane and alfalfa stalks.
  • Juan Carlos Vega - Keep up the good behaviour in the slammer, and stop sending Warwick Davis postcards that say, "I'm out in six months...hope to see you then!"
  • Zimpter Fiforg - Turn up at DOUI meetings once in awhile, if only to let us know how your new series is going.
  • Chico y Jose - Blog. period.
  • Earl Fando - To not be so hard on celebrities, politicians, and athletes. Maybe.

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