It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Monday, March 19, 2007

St. Patri-hic!'s Day

Well, you've probably been wondering about the dearth of posts over the last day or so, but as it was St. Patrick's Day yesterday, I'm sure the entire staff was sleeping off the annual Guinness frolic. I had my one bottle, as usual. You may think that a measley amount to put me off posting, but it was extra stout, not that watered-down draught they sell here in the States. That's like Guinness mixed with Dasani water.

Of course, the bloody marys probably didn't help either.

Anyway, after the usual leprechaun hallucinations (why do they always look like Maureen O'Hara) and the traditional bath of colcannon, I've recovered enough to realize that I forgot to offer my usual annual tips on proper St. Patrick's Day celebrations. So here they are, belatedly, follwed by some tips on recovering from St. Patrick's Day celebrations. Top o' the Day!

Earl Fando's 2007 Tips on Proper St. Patrick's Day Celebrations

  • Remember that St. Patrick's Day is a proper Catholic feast day, so approach it with deep reverance. 24 beers is simply one too many and public nudity is frowned upon.
  • Green beer = tradition. Green sausages = food poisoning.
  • If you drink until you see leprechauns, you've had too much.
  • If you drink until you hear the animated Guinness characters shouting, "Brilliant!" you've just passed out next to the telly.
  • If you drink until you see gorgeous Irish lasses, dressed in shimmering translucent veils and smothering you with kisses, call the Guinness people immediately and sell them the receipe for whatever combination you've been drinking.
  • Those "Kiss Me, I'm Irish!" buttons don't apply if you've just had your twelfth beer and your face is smothered with soda bread crumbs and bits of cabbage.
  • Like Scots music, Irish music uses the bagpipes. That's not the sound of the Banshee coming for your immortal soul, it just sounds like it.
  • If you see someone dressed as a leprechaun, making "Lucky Charms" jokes will only get you severly beaten up.
  • Really, you should avoid the green beer. No one really dyes the beer, they just use the holiday as an opportunity to get rid of all the old stock. Green beer is green for a reason.
  • Don't attempt Irish dancing unless you are well trained in it or have a great orthopedic surgeon on call.

Earl Fando's Tips on Recovering from Proper St. Patrick's Day Celebrations

  • Don't attempt to shoot any leprechauns you see. They're not real, but your walls, furniture, and roommates are.
  • People will attempt to make all manner of foul-smelling liquid concoctions to help you over your hangover but none of them really work. The simple rule of thumb is to sleep until you are able to open your eyelids without them making the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard.
  • Don't bother calling anyone whose number you got during the celebrating. Not only is it highly unlikely that they remember you, but they probably just gave you the number so you'd leave them to their drinking.
  • Green vomiting doesn't mean you're now Irish. It means you had those bloody green sausages and need to go to hospital.
  • The Republic of Ireland is not responsible for any tattoos you may have acquired during the holiday.

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