It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Hip to be square.

Now that the Oscar fiasco is out of the way we can get back to the thing we know best, riffing on vain pop stars and other air-headed celebrities. Since I'm a square (confirmed by my use of the word) when it comes to the latest in popular music and other popular things I always try to keep up as best I can with what's going on in that world. Thrown into my lap today is the latest from that gyrating Latina we all love, Shakira, with her new single "Hips Don't Lie". Here's what Shakira said about her new song:

"My hips tell me where and when I should move. And my hips don't lie - my hips tell me the truth."

Reading those sagacious comments literally took my breath away. For a moment I felt both light-headed and energized as though a long forgotten virtue had been bestowed on me by an overlooked sage. Then I got over it and realized that it must have been that leftover meatloaf I ate for breakfast this morning.

Were Shakira's hips merely the laterally projecting region of each side of the lower or posterior part of the mammalian trunk formed by the lateral parts of the pelvis and upper part of the femur together with the fleshy parts covering them, or were they indeed a portal to an incontrovertible truth. Not wanting my gastric indiscretion to throw me from my thirst for knowledge and the truth that may be contained in Shakira's hips, I called her agent and received an interview with the aforementioned hips.

Stew: Hips wh... can I call you Hips?

Hips: Sure, that's fine.

Stew: Hips, Shakira has promoted you as a sort of counselor, an, if you will, confidant in relation to questions of truth. How do you feel about this?

Hips: Well I am flattered of course, I mean many people don't give there hips the time of day. Not my Shakira, she is really into this whole hip/person relationship, and I appreciate that.

Stew: What do the two of you get out of the relationship?

Hips: Well, I shoot straight with Shakira and advise her to "keep it real" and she gives me an unlimited supply of cocoa butter and lotion. It works out well for both of us.

Stew: Have you ever lied?

Hips: Well, to be honest, I did tell her a little white lie once. I told her I liked the music, but I was worried about losing the lotion so you can see my dilemma.

Stew: Yes. Is it tough being Shakira's hips?

Hips: Heavens yes, just imagine the workout I get. Charo's hips thought they had it bad, I'd like to see them keep up with me. A few "coochie-coos" doesn't even come close to the torture I get in a 90 minute concert.

Stew: I had written a post concerning Shakira and George Michael's attempts last year to help the squirrels who were running out of pine cones. What's the update?

Hips: Well, I don't know about the squirrels but "Alimente las Ardillas" just went triple platinum. Word at the time was that George was going to give 50 percent of his royalties to the squirrels but ended up blowing it on Bolivian marching powder.

Stew: What about Shakira?

Hips: Cocoa butter ain't cheap man.

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