Roving packs of vicious...squirrels???

Reporters across the pond today brought the startling revelation that a wild pack of hunger-crazed squirrels attacked and killed a dog somewhere in Russia. When I was finally able to verify that this wasn't a Weekly World News story - I should have known since there was no mention of Sasquatch - I quickly researched the topic. It seems shortly after the story cleared the news wire in England, Bob Geldof attempted to recruit Bono and other celebrities to his new cause: Pine Cones for the Squirrels 2006. It seems that Bono was too busy with other causes and was unable to help his old pal, saying in a press release, "While I feel sympathy for the squirrels, Geldof is a loony."

Unable to snag the U2 frontman, Geldof settled for the talents of George Michael and the hip swiveling Shakira. "I mean squirrels are people too, right?" said Michael, who I found trying on a new set of $50,000 sunglasses. He added, "We've got to do all we can to get these little buggers some pine nuts. It's what drives me." Shakira, who could not be directly reached for a comment, said through her agent: "I watched the Chimp and Dale cartoons; I know the fear they suffered when denied food by the sailor duck. How can we now turn our backs on these cuddly, furry little creatures?"

When I was finally able to catch up with Bob, he told me that a song is in the works. Here is a sneak peak at some of the lyrics.

Feed the Squirrels (Alimente las Ardillas)
by Bob Geldof and George Michael

(George Michael sings)
From Lazo to Vladivostok
From Gorky to Odessa
I hear it on the wind
I know we're gonna bless'ya.

(Shakira sings)
A squirrel cries itself to sleep
It is nothing but skin and bones
I shake my hips in anger
Dónde está el pine conessssssssss!!!!!

(Together)
Feeeeed the squirrels! Feed the squirrels!
Let them know you care, my we have fabulous hair.

(George)
See their elegant feathery wings
Touch the sky as they soar.
Will the eggs they lay tonight
know a better world than before?

(Shakira - spoken)
And the world is silent now,
turning its backs on their plight.
Where are the politicians,

(both sing) As these furry fowl take flight?!?!!!

(Together)
Feeeeeeeed the squirrels! Feed the squirrels!!!!!
Let them know you care, my we have fabulous hair.

Feeeeeeeeeeeed the squirrels! Our hips are shaking!!!!
Feeeeeeeeeeeed the squirrels! Our hearts are breaking!!!!