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Monday, November 28, 2005

Stew, in magnificent Techni-color!!!!!!

I'll bet you thought you'd never have to see another post of Saddam in his BVD's or a hear of the adventures of Lukas P. Short again. Well I'm sorry, but I'm here to destroy that little myth although at points early last week I would have laid a sawbuck you were right. I won't go into the gory, disgusting, repellent, revolting, vomitous, offensive, and shocking details of the week... you can find those here. What I will do is awaken the sleeper that is my comedic idiom and boldly leap into a bit that will surely sicken most of you to the point I was only approximately five days ago.

Ah, Thanksgiving weekend coming off an illness, what a wonderful and glorious time. I would like to give you a rundown of at least the last few days starting with Thanksgiving day and moving through the weekend.

Thanksgiving Day - I drag my keister out of bed and put on my fuzzy bunny slippers, soon realizing that one of them is the dog. (The screams were incredible - Steve Martin, The Cruel Shoes) I make my way to the kitchen and put on a pot of my favorite brew Old Hobo's Bootstrap #3, enhanced with the great taste of toenail. I turn on the television and fear that I have nipped a little too much Nyquil the night before I realize it's not Matt Lauer floating over New York but SpongeBob Squarepants. Twenty-five "alot of hot air" and "let's talk turkey" jokes later I am forced to turn the channel hoping to find an episode of Charles in Charge or McGyver but only finding more parade coverage. After being regaled for another thirty minutes by high school bands playing traditional Thanksgiving classics like Macho Man, Love Shack, and My Sharona I imbibe the remainder of the Nyquil and soon find peaceful dextromethorphan induced slumber. Later in the day I watch football, eat about two pounds of turkey and dressing, and another bottle of Nyquil to keep the buzz going.

Black Friday - They call it this because retailers go into the "black" on this day due to the high volume of sales, however, my credit card goes into the red and doesn't recover until early next year. This is also the day when you drag down the Christmas decoration and realize that those cute little snowglobes don't do well in a freezing attic. Then it comes, the bane of man's existence, untangling the Christmas lights. After about two hundred attempts my wife finds me in a fetal position on the floor of the garage muttering something about daggers and castration of light manufacturers.

Saturday - Still hanging Christmas lights, realizing that the gutter clips which have worked in the past are now rigid shards of plastic that snap off and embed themselves very near the bone. Head to Wal-mart to buy gutter clips wasting another $20 bucks and fighting the hordes of hill folk who have come down to buy a Quizenart for $12.99. That night we see Chicken Little and are generally pleased with it although I am forced to watch the last 30 minutes standing in the exit aisle alternately holding and watching run to the door a 22 month old who shall remain nameless and if he does it again, inheritance-less.

Sunday - uneventful... other than nervous breakdown when I realize that I have to go to work for the first time in over a week.

So, there you have it and now let me scour the land for comedy and happy things and good times. If that doesn't work I've still got another bottle of Nyquil.

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