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Friday, November 25, 2005

One more pair of turkeys, before I forget...

I was reminded today that I left a completely deserving set of turkeys off of my Thanksgiving Day Top Turkey list.

That would be of course the Sonic lads, the two nincompoops who appear on the telly here in the United States doing adverts for Sonic drive-in fast food restaurants. Presumably, the adverts are meant to be humourous, but I've never cracked so much as a smile during one of them, though I fear I will crack a tooth, grinding my teeth during them.

Many of you may consider this a harsh judgement, but I assure you I'm no comedy snob. I've laughed at Bob Saget on occasion (all right, perhaps once or twice...although I may have just been laughing at the home video he was describing), and even found Gallagher amusing, even though it's generally only during the parts where the watermelon backfires on him.

The Sonic commericals are in a league all by themselves though. Some commercials are so bad, they're funny, but the Sonic commercials are laced with the awful pain of people trying against hope to be funny. (...And yes, I know somewhere out there, some smart ass is saying "Like this blog!" Thanks for that Zimpter.) To put it in perspective, the old Sonic commercials with Frankie Avalon were much, much funnier, and they contained no jokes, just hackneyed rehashes of old sixties music, and Frankie's carefully dyed and managed hair (which, to be perfectly fair, is very impressive for a man of, what...sixty?). Yet, it has the Sonic lads beaten over and under for guffaw potential.

So here's hoping that Sonic will return to it's Avalon ads (Adding Annette Funicello couldn't hurt...and yes I know she's as old as Frankie, but some compromise is needed!) and dumping the Sonic lads for good, so they can return to their first jobs, behind the grill.

I know it must seem awful picking on two young men, who I'm sure are perfectly nice, behind their drab, unamusing, stupor-inducing exteriors, but comedy is a brutal and vicious business, and not one that people should get into lightly...not with sharks like Seinfeld and Dave Barry swimming the comic seas, not to mention a raptor like Mike Nelson, who is simply a genius and should join our blog immediately, where we promise him a great deal of space to mock the Baldwin Brothers and Jean Claude Van Damme.

So, in the holiday spirit, I'll make this proposal: Sonic should pull these bone-achingly bland and dry commercials off the air, but, in honor of the loyal, if undistinguished service of these two gentlemen, should permanently add a new burger to the menu - The Sonic Gobbler - a quarter pound of pure turkey meat, slathered with mayonaisse, on a seedless, white bun. I can think of no more fitting and appropriately symbolic tribute.

(Cue the unfunny whacking noise at the end of the Sonic adverts.)


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