It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Ruining the Tourist Trade for Everyone

It occurs to me that many people in New Jersey would find yesterday's posts a bit offensive. In fact, they might actually take up pitchforks and torches (real ones, not flashlights) and attack us en masse, which is one of the reasons we guard our privacy very carefully (although Stew lives in Trump Tower in the penthouse, if anyone's interested.)

So, in the interest of fairness, and because frankly, we were running out of New Jersey jokes (New Jersey is for mobsters!) I decided to come up with some slogans for all 50 of the United States as well as several nations and regions that are dear to many. In this way, everyone is upset, but hopefully too busy laughing at the moniker we gave their neighbor. I expect Stew will chime in with more shortly.

Earl Fando's Recommended Tourist Slogans for States, Nations, and Other Principalities
US States:
Alabama - We're not prejudiced. We hate everybody not like us.
Alaska - Winter mountains and summer mosquitos
Arizona - Dry heat! Dry heaves!
Arkansas - Land of a thousand ladies who've dated Bill Clinton.
California - Visit or be terminated!
Colorado - Cold, mountainous, and forbidding, just like Jennifer Lopez!
Connecticut - New York's suburb!
Delaware - The greatest little state you've never heard of!
Florida - Anatomically correct!
Georgia - Check out these peanuts!
Hawaii - Check out these coconuts!!!
Idaho - Potato discounts for militia members!
Illinois - Ditka rules!! Seriously, we made him king, yesterday!
Indiana - If not for basketball and racing, we'd starve.
Iowa - Come and catch a greased pig!
Kansas - Flat as a pancake!
Kentucky - Re-ve-noo-ers not welcome!
Louisiana - Closed for business.
Maine - Well, at least we've got lobsters!
Maryland - Home of the Washington Redskins.
Massachusetts - Come and pet the wild Kennedys!
Michigan - Bring a coat!!
Minnesota - Come jump in a lake!
Mississippi - White hoods optional!
Missouri - You show us yours and we'll show you ours!
Montana - Come on in, there's plenty of room!
Nebraska - Come back later...we're sure we'll think of something!
Nevada - Gambling, alcohol, and hookers! Families welcome!
New Hampshire - Your getaway from Vermont!
New Jersey - The other end of the Lincoln Tunnel!
New Mexico - How do you spell Mexico in English?
New York - The Big Apple and little else!
North Carolina - Breathe in the fresh nicotine!
North Dakota - It's friggin' cold up here!
Ohio - A whole lot of nothin'!
Oklahoma - Think of us on your way to New Mexico!
Oregon - Come and get wet with us!
Pennsylvania - If Rocky Balboa were real, you could come and meet him here!
Rhode Island - Wave as you drive by!
South Carolina - If not for golf, would you even care?
South Dakota - If not for Mount Rushmore, we'd be really boring!
Tennessee - Elvis slept here!
Texas - Let us put our brand on you!
Utah - Marry early! Marry often!!
Vermont - Idiosyncratic radicals welcome!!
Virginia - Named after a virgin!
Washington - Owned and operated by Microsoft!
West Virginia is for lovers, who happen to be cousins!
Wisconsin - Discounts for the lactose intolerant!
Wyoming is for loners!

International:
Argentina - Come and meet a Nazi fugitive today!!
Australia - Dangerous wildlife, dangerous people!
Brazil - Come get your freak on!
Canada - Like the United States, only colder!
China - A billion people can't be wrong, even if they aren't allowed to leave!
Cuba - All the cigars and oppression you can ask for!
Denmark - Come and see The Little Mermaid (wink, wink)!
Dijbouti - We got booty in our name AND in our country!
England - Sausage anyone?
Egypt - Our pyramids are bigger than anyone else's!
France - Invade us today!!!
Germany - No longer run by Nazis and Communists!
India - Can we curry favor from you to come and visit?
Iran - You haven't lived until you've been kidnapped by us!!! (Special promotion via Embassy Suites)
Ireland - There's plenty o' Guinness to go round!
Isle of Man - We have a woman too!
Islington - A maze of flats to lose yourself in!
Italy - More than pasta and the mafia!!!
Japan - Some of your food will be cooked.
Kazakstan - Come and visit us Ali G, so we can beat on you, while intoxicated!
Libya - Gadaffi your behinds and come and visit us!
Lichtenstein - We can't even find us on a map!
London - If it's good enough for Queen Elizabeth II, it'll be good enough for you!
New Zealand - Not, we repeat, NOT Australia!
Nigeria - Come scam with us!
North Korea - By sociopaths, for sociopaths...and remember, we're nuclear!
Norway - A trip you can afjord!
Paris - Live the contempt!
Portugal - Size doesn't matter, you Spanish bastards!
Quebec - Like France, only tougher!!
Russia - There's plenty of vodka to keep you warm, Tovarisch!
Saudi Arabia - Beheadings every weekend!
Scotland - Look up a kilt, today!
Somalia - We've got a warlord for you!
Spain - Making Portugal feel puny!
Sudan - If brutality and human rights violations are your thing, we've got a vacation for you!
Surrey - Come and see what London would look like without all the interesting stuff!
Sweden - Hey, no jokes about the meatballs!
Switzerland - Anonymous banking privileges available!
Syria - Visit all the hot Baaths!
Tahiti - Sometimes we're not fully dressed!
Venezuela - More and more like Cuba everyday!
Wales - We'd leek you to visit!!

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