Potter: The Saga Continues!

Well, today the latest Harry Potter film comes out in the United States: Harry Potter and the Enormous Sacks of Cash.

No, I'm only kidding of course. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire will hit the theatres today.

I decided to sit down with Producer David Heyman to discuss the film and the Potter franchise. Unfortunately, he wouldn't return my calls, so instead I called an Associate Producer, who insisted that I not use his name, because David would beat him senseless if he found out he was talking to me.

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Earl: Thanks for chatting with me Mr. Name Withheld.

N.W.: Sure, only make it quick, because David has everyone watched, and I've only just managed to slip away for a moment.

Earl: Sure thing. One question I know a lot of fans of the books have is why will this movie, based on an 800-plus page book, only last two and a half hours long?

N.W.: Well, we thought about making the film match the book more closely, but realized that the film would be over 40 hours long if we did so, and that's only the first 20 chapters.

Earl: You realize that's utter nonsense.

N.W.: Yes.

Earl: Just checking. Isn't it true that you had a screenplay that condensed the whole of the book into three hours and ten minutes? If Kevin Costner could make Dances with Wolves over three hours long from a scenario written in magic marker on the back of a napkin, surely you could extend a film based on an 800-plus page book to the three-hour mark?

N.W.: You're trying to trick me...that scenario was written in coloured pencil.

Earl: You're on to me. Tell me, are there any key differences between the film of "Goblet of Fire" and the book.

N.W.: A few. Instead of completing the Tri-Wizard tournament, Harry and Hermione become trapped on a speeding bus, and if the bus slows beneath 50 miles an hour, it will explode.

Earl: Surely, that's the plot of the film Speed, with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock?

N.W.: No, this is completely different, as the bomb on the bus is magical and made of pixie dust. Also, it actually explodes while Harry and Hermione are still on the bus.

Earl: You've killed off Harry and Hermione? Aren't there three more films to come?

N.W.: It's all right! I don't like to give away the plot, but it turns out to have all been a dream, which Hermione realizes when she sees Harry after coming out of the shower.

Earl: That's a bit of plot from the television programme Dallas.

N.W.: No, no, Larry Hagman doesn't appear until Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, as Umbridge.

Earl: Any more surprises?

N.W.: Crabbe is gay in this film and is in love with Malfoy.

Earl: I thought that was in the book.

N.W.: Maybe, I lose track. Oh, the film does conclude with an dramatic and surreal action sequence, where Harry drives a tractor-trailer through the Great Hall at Hogwarts, running over Voldemort and Pettigrew. He then leaps out and declares his undying love for Molly Weasley...

Earl: ...you mean Hermione...

N.W.: ...Right... and then she rejects him and runs off with Hugh Grant, who has taken over the role of Flitwick.

Earl: Isn't he a bit tall for Flitwick?

N.W.: We couldn't get Warwick Davis.

Earl: A friend of mine will be very disappointed.