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Thursday, November 24, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving You Turkeys!

It's Thanksgiving here in the U.S. I was watching the sports chats on the telly yesterday and they were all handing out their "Biggest Turkey" awards (a tradition that started with movie reviewers, for those of you who remember the Medved Brothers seminal wark, The Golden Turkey Awards.)

Not to be outdone by a bunch of sportswriters, I have decided to compile my own list of the biggest Turkeys of the Year, in no particular order:

Earl Fando's List of the Biggest Turkeys of the Year (2005)

10. Terrell Owens - All right, this is a bit of a holdover from all the sports shows, but this is a textbook example of how a gifted athlete, with the right (wrong, really) agent, could make a complete and utter mash of his career. Terrell's agent, who's name I can't remember because I always have to avert my eyes when he's on camera, due to the sliminess, should be banned for life from representing any human being for anything. Let him represent animal actors for a few years credibly and we'll consider a reprieve.

9. Saddam Hussein - If we ever see another picture of him in his skivves, it will be far too soon.

8. Survivor - It's over CBS. Move on. Please. This thing jumped the shark years ago. It's jumped two sharks and a bottle-nosed dolphin for goodness' sake.

7. Donald Trump - What can you say about a schemer who was so afraid of getting upstaged by ex-con Martha Stewart that he pushed for her to be dumped? He was so worried, he ran right out and got a new bad haircut. A Flock of Seagulls is suing him for hair copyright violation. Meanwhile, he continues to wear a scowl on his face that makes you think someone switched skunk juice for his aftershave. At least the man can laugh at himself, right? He does see the humour in it all, right? ...Oh, dear.

6. Diddy - I've heard that he's not such a bad bloke, but if he changes his name one more time, I think he should be sent to the Home for Celebrities Who Take Themselves Way Too Seriously and ensconsed in the Tim Robbins/Bo Derek wing (named so for bi-partisan reasons, of course.)

5. Ben Affleck - Wear high collars around this man. Seriously, he has considered running for political office. The debates should prove interesting.

4. Mike Tyson - Sad, really. I miss the days when he shouted things like, "How dare they challenge me with their primitive skills!" after a bout. Now it's getting beaten up by blokes he would have made mince out of in his prime, and appearing in shoddy entertainment specials. Note that he could still crush the life out of 99.999999% of the human race, given a reason, or just on a whim.

3. Tom Cruise - He's utterly mad you know. He just bought Katie Holmes a sonogram machine to look at their unborn child. Tom says he's going to operate the thing himself. Complete. Nutter. Katie's got to be thinking that Mike Tyson is looking better and better these days.

2. Katie Couric, Matt Lauer, their unmemorable counterparts, and various celebrities...all who fill up space during the Macy Thanksgiving Parade coverage in New York City by blathering on about their holiday plans (in-between plugs for their latest films or television programmes), most of which appear to be fictional and inspired by whatever American tradition they think the audience will buy. I wish some actors wouldn't go on about how they're looking forward to traveling to Kansas to sample their sweet old grandmother's tradtional pumpkin pie receipe, when we all know they'll be flying directly to sunny Malibu to cruise the beach for lonely chicks on Thanksgiving Day. Also, Katie and Matt have all the chemistry of soda water.

1. Zarqawi - A lying, murderous, scum-sucking brute of a human being, who is no doubt currently plotting to blow up someone else's wedding, or maybe a child's birthday party. Let us all hope for the day when someone cooks and stuffs this particular turkey.

By the way...a very Happy Thanksgiving to all our readers. Not only are we thankful to God for our families and this lovely space to rant in, we're very thankful that you've chosen to come share it with us. Enjoy the holiday, and if you live in Malibu, stay off the beaches until the celebrities have finished combing them for cheap dates.


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