If you were a tree...Get off the couch Tom!!!

Tommorrow Barbara Walters hosts her latest special programme: The Ten Most Fascinating People of 2005.

I know, I know, more bleeding entertainment news. I'm sick to death of it myself. However, Ms. Walters interviewing style is so unique and remarkable, that it makes for easy ridicule, and as I'm knackered and it's late, that's a good enough reason for this bit.

Among her guests are Tom Cruise, Teri Hatcher, Kanye West, Michael Jackson's lawyer Tom Mesereau, Lance Armstrong, and U. S. Condoleezza Rice. Obviously Barbara had some help with the list.

What follows are some of the questions I think she will ask them:

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"Secretary Rice, if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be and would that tree seek war with nations beyond Iraq, such as Syria, where I have met with and spoken to the charming President Assad, or Iran, where I recently interviewed..." (and so on and so on until just before the next commercial break.)

Recommended response: Slap Barbara with a wet noodle and then talk about American football.

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"Lance (Armstrong), if you were a tree, would you be a fast tree? Also, what kind of tree would Cheryl Crow be?"

Recommended response: "Trees don't ride bikes Barbara. Are you on dope?"

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"Kanye (West), if you were a tree, would George Bush care about you?"

Recommended response: "I'm not a tree. I'm an African-American man, dammit!"

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"Tom (Mesereau, Michael Jackson's lawyer), if Michael Jackson were a tree, would he place himself inappropriately in a grove with saplings?"

Recommended response: None. Crikey Tom. She's nailed you there. You're on your own. Just be glad Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog isn't doing the interview.

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"Teri (Hatcher), if you were a tree, would you continue to appear in top-rated programming on ABC?"

Recommended response: (Dramatic pause. Wipe away a tear from your left eye.) Yes. Yes I would... (Hug Barbara) I've never been so happy!

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"Tom (Cruise, as if you didn't know), if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?"

Recommended response: Do not mention Scientology, psychiatry, psychology, Katie Holmes, Scarlett Johansson, Oprah Winfrey, couches, sofas, settees, water pistols, sexual preference, sonograms, Scientology, paparazzi, Nicole Kidman, Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard, Thetans, cruise ships, or Scientology. Also, do not keep bragging about how you've knocked Katie Holmes up the duff and under no circumstances should you deep kiss Ms. Holmes on camera.

In fact, this is your recommended response for life.