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Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Like finding a needle in your haystack (never heard it called that before).

Medical news to rival Salk's polio vaccine and the discovery of penicillin graces the nodes of Reuters News Service today. It appears that researchers have discovered...wait for it: LONGER NEEDLES ARE NEEDED FOR FATTER BUTTOCKS. (Applause) Yes, these randy little "researchers" as they call themselves have set the calipers to your buttocks in order to realize what most fourth graders would gladly tell you. However, now that this ridiculous epiphany has been made we are left to wonder what practicle use can be made and indeed what changes we may see down the pike, no pun intended. With that amazing set-up out of the way let me now bring you the list of new needles being developed based on this research, if it can be called that.

  • The Cottage Cheese Shiv - This new needle will not only deliver the goods but comes with a handy liposuction feature to remove that unsightly cellulite. Needle sizes from 3 to 12 inches.
  • The J Lo - Also known as the Sir Mixalot, this one is not for the fainthearted, it is only for use on those whose backsides are pumped up due to plastic surgery. It has a silicone avoiding mechanism that won't pop your implants.
  • The Tough Tush Tackler - This needle is made of titanium and is set on a 10,ooo psi hydraulic pump to tackle those tight rearends. Mainly for pro atheletes and the Radio City Music Hall Rockettes, this baby puts the "post" in posterior.
  • The Jared - For use on those who have lost enormous amounts of weight and whose rearends are hard to properly locate. Since the skin isn't as elastic as we wish it was some peoples buttocks may end up floating around their midsection. This needle will seek out your fanny, locate it, isolate it, contain it, and deliver the shot before releasing you back to the wild similar to Marlin Perkins on the old Mutual of Omaha's: Wild Kingdom.
  • The Oprah - Can be shortened or lengthened as needed for those who have odd weight swings due to uneven dieting.
  • The Fat Albert - Hey, hey, hey this is the needle for those really big ones that need a lot of sticking power. Developed and produced by the people at Roto-Rooter.

Isn't scientific research and discovery fascinating? I hope they can do something for hairy backs next or maybe solve the plague that is stinky feet. Oh, where will we find the Alexander Fleming of toe funk or the Marie Curie of the follicular challenged? One can be sure that they're not at The Adelaide and Meath Hospital in Dublin.


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