Yanni Arrested! Yanni? Arrested?

Yes, it's true. The man who has mesmerised millions with his mellow, New-Age musical musings, and irritated the hell out of those of us with functioning auditory nerves, was charged with domestic battery in an altercation with his girlfriend Lindsey Lohan.

All right, it wasn't Lindsey, but admit it...you're weren't surprised to hear her name. (Lindsey, shape up, lass. Don't waste all that potential on an impersonation of one of Andy Warhol's girlfriends.)

Anyway, allegedly Yanni asked his girlfriend, one Silvia Barthes, to leave his beachfront home. (My suspicion is that either she was interfering with his mysterious New-Age vibes, or she was interfering with any action Yanni was looking for on the side - because you know those Yanni groupies are just freaks - or both.)

Barthes stated that she was attempting to pack her clothing, when Yanni attacked her. Clearly open suitcases enrage Yanni! I'm guessing, of course. I can't really imagine Yanni enraged, or for that matter even mildly peeved. The usual emotional state I associate with Yanni is a sort of glassy-eyed mellowness that falls somewhere between "opium den" and "corpse."

Actually, from this information, one might assume that Yanni wanted her clothes to remain behind, and that this would imply that he has some sort of thing for women's clothing. Actually, he's been doing community theatre and has the lead in a local production of "Ed Wood - The Stage Show." So, he's really just a Method actor portraying a transvestite. That's my theory, at least.

Yanni did release a statement through his publicist. It said, in part, that the allegations are "cruel, false, without merit and baseless." Which just happens to be the exact words used in several reviews of his latest album Insert Sappy Cliche Here.

Apparently, Yanni claims his girlfriend kicked him and that he believes he injured his finger during the incident. Now, as an amateur guitarist myself, as much as I don't care for Yanni's "music", I wouldn't wish an injured finger on any musician. However, for Yanni's sake, I do advise him to rest the injured appendage as much as needed for him to get back to full playability. I recommend a minimum of 15-20 years.

Take it slow mate, and stay away from suitcases.