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Friday, March 11, 2005

"I Love You, I Love Me"

The scene: A boardroom of a major corporation, somewhere in Texas. The chairs and tables are gilded, and crafted from finest mahogony. Large glass windows line one wall. Several well-dressed executives sit around a table chatting nervously. Suddenly, at the far end of the room, twin doors swing wide open and in struts, half-bouncing, the CEO of this majestic business - Barney the Dinosaur.

He moves to the end of the table, shufflingly his feet and wiggling his arms as he goes, and then sits down.

Barney: OK boys, there's a lot of business on the table today and I don't have much time. I'm taking JLo to the Mavericks game this evening and she doesn't like to be kept waiting. Wilson, give me the report on revenue in a nutshell, and it had better be super-de-duper!

Wilson: Oh Great and Wise Barney, King of all Dinosaurs and Public Television, I'm afraid I must grovelingly report that revenue is down 30% this quarter...

Barney: What!!! 30%!!! How am I supposed to stay cheerful and happy and inspire millions of snot-nosed, damp-drawered little brats if I'm losing my thick yellow toenails on this enterprise?

Smithers: It's competition, oh Magnificent One, Genius and Conqueror of the Romper Room Set! Disney and Cartoon Network are making inroads with the under 5 set!

Barney: Let me guess? Power Rangers? Kim Possible? Teen Titans? Gentlemen, if you are telling me that these teenaged, hormonally-challenged losers are drawing away my pre-school demographic...

Davis: Pardon me, Mr. Barney sir...I am new here, but...

Barney: What's your name, boy?

Davis: Davis, sir...

Barney: That's Oh Royal and Maleficent One to you kid...but go ahead!

Davis: Well, oh...Roy...

Barney: Royal and Maleficent One...spit it out noob!

Davis: Yes, Royal...and Maleficent One...um, isn't this situation just a product of a diversifying market? Can't we just try to maximize profitability in the face of a wider range of competiton?

Barney: Daniels...Where did you go to Business School?

Davis: Ummm, Harvard...oh Royal and Male...

Barney: And I suppose you think that makes you all high and mighty compared to a UTEP grad like me?

Davis: Oh, no sir, I...

Barney: I'm getting mad here!

(All of the executives, except Davis, dive for cover)

Johnson: (from behind a chair) Oh no! Davis, apologize!

Bentley: (from under the table) Don't make him mad, you impetuous, arrogant fool!

Davis: But what did I...? I mean, why should I worry if Barney the loveable dinosaur gets mad?
Barney: (Yelling and standing up) Because when Barney gets mad, Barney eats people!!! That's why! (more calmly) Why do you think we have to change kids out on the show every few years? Those little &%$#@*... I go through them like popcorn.

(The executives return to their seats)

OK, gentlemen...here's what we do. Kim Possible, I want her dead. I want her teen booty mounted on my wall, along with that lame sidekick Ron Pottable's head on a pike in the lobby, next to the rhododendron. I want the skin of that naked mole rat to roll a cigar with. The Teen Titans...wack 'em! Bury the Boy Wonder in the Batcave and put the others in my woodchipper, except for Starfire ...have her sent to the ranch with the usual instructions.

Anderson: What about the PowerRangers, oh Dark and Malicious lord?

Barney: Oh boy, oh boy, I have something special planned for them. I'm going to call in a chip with an old friend of mine who works for Tojo Studios (Cut to a clip of the Power Rangers being stomped on repeatedly by an agitated Godzilla).

Davis: What are you talking about? This is murder!

Barney: It's business, Derwood...just business. Use your imagination you spineless, Ivy-League, pansy!

Davis: This is insane! Next you'll be putting Elmo in a pair of cement shoes!

Barney: Nonsense! Elmo's in my tail pocket. I get 40% of his gross, right off the top!

Davis: How can you do this? This is evil! This isn't what Barney stands for! What about the song? (The rest of the executives start shaking their heads and ducking for cover. Barney, begins to glare at Davis as much as his beady little eyes will allow.) What about I love you, you love me, we're a happy fami...AAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!

Barney eats Davis in a three quick bites.

Barney: Dingle, have someone come in and mop up all this blood. Jeffers, see about rounding up another Ivy League MBA, but one without so much attitude...and who doesn't taste like shoe polish and Brut.

Dingle and Jeffers: Yes, Master!!! Yes, Master!!!

The executives, fawning and scraping, back away from Barney into the shadows. And so our little play ends...


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