It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Cell-Block Journals? They're a Good Thing!

Coming to a bookstore near you: Martha's Jailhouse Journals. Some advance excerpts:

Daily Journal: Day 1 -
Well, Prison is even worse than I could have possibly thought. The cell is decorated in an atrocious shade of gray and these horizontal stripes make me look like I've been on a six month diet of pork sausages and custard! The one silver lining is that the guards have been fairly nice, especially [name deleted], but I wonder why she keeps holding out her hand behind her back and saying things like, "Prison is a tough place, Martha, but it doesn't have to be so tough!" and "If there's anything you need Martha, I can grease the wheels." I wonder if she's the concierge here?

Daily Journal: Day 7 -
I hate prison! My cellmate Joliene keeps calling me "babydoll" and leering at me like I were a 2003 Hummer. I thought this was minimum security? She says she's in here for killing her four husbands with a pick axe. Are the feds trying to mess with my mind or is this some kind of wack job furlough program for sociopaths? At least they let me collect dandelion greens during exercise time. Joliene's too busy lifting weights and terrorising the juvey prisoners to pay me much mind then.

Daily Journal: Day 25 -
I wonder if the warden will let me arrange for my own meals? I don't trust the girls in the cafeteria. I know that one ***** Myrtle does NOT wash her hands after going to the restroom, and she always gives me an evil laugh after serving me my mashed potatoes. Dear heavens, I hope that's just extra butter!

Maybe they'll let me pay for some private kitchen staff or have my meals catered? I can find the salad myself...there's a surprisingly high quality mushroom behind the metalshop and the wild leeks are delightfully pungent!

Joliene has taken to sleeping in my bunk beside me. I wonder if they'll add on to my sentence if I strangle her with some torn up bedsheets? Maybe I could tell them we were redecorating and her fung shui got out of control?

Daily Journal: Day 62 -
Yoga class was pleasant today. Little Shirley is certainly limber! I feel strangely close to her and she is a beautiful young woman with a lithe, delicate physique... Whoa, Martha! Slow down babe! Don't get jailhouse crazy! This is nutso talk.

You've got to get to know her a little better first. Maybe a private class after ceramics? Find out what she likes to read and who her favorite guards are. I wonder if FTD does prison deliveries?

I think Joliene suspects something. She's been noticeably bitter. She doesn't even stop to chit chat before beating me in the evenings.

On another note, the warden has been much less resistant to my ideas about incorporating chiffon and silk into the prison decor! Perhaps letting slip that information about a vacancy on my executive staff wasn't such a bad idea after all!

Daily Journal: Day 127 -
Not long to go now! Thank heavens! It's pretty lonely now that Shirl has taken up with Joliene, that ********, *****, ******* cow! If not for my crocheting, I think I'd go nuts, start a riot and have them both killed (laughs).

I wonder if Big Jezebel would break their necks for me if I offered her some wild onion smokes?

At least the food has improved since Myrtle got stuck in the gut with a sharpened spatula last week.

Daily Journal: Day 146 -
Out tomorrow! I'm so looking forward to my own super-king bed and a warm winter risotto! Things are really starting to come together for me. Several of the guards have discussed coming to work for me as a private security force/army! "Martha's Minions!" I love the sound of that!

Shirl was disappointed to hear about Joliene though. I have to admit that it's not often people asphyxiate on dandelion greens in the middle of the night, but like I told the warden...she just loved eating those things so much, it's like she was inhaling them (wink)! I'm sure she had a stash of them under her mattress, right next to her cigarettes and rock cocaine.

Tomorrow the SUV will be at the gate and Cato will be whisking me home! The cell is looking ravishing these days, especially the metal-smithed coasters and the black and white-striped bed-curtain I fashioned out of my first uniform. I'll have to do a special in the magazine on that when I taste free air again.

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