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Thursday, March 10, 2005

What can we do about the rising cost of gas? Read on

Although the clamor had died down since the election, Vice President Cheney’s notes concerning his Energy Task Force are still a hot topic in Washington. It came to my attention lately that a certain tall frontiersman and raconteur we know was involved in some of the meetings. Lukas P. Short, representing the Southwest Cattlemen and Gasohol Committee (started during the gas shortage of the 70’s), was on hand to discuss alternative fuels with Mr. Cheney. Lukas recently gave me a copy of VP Cheney’s notes that he had copied while the Vice President was putting a battery in his pacemaker. The notes were handwritten so I will write a verbatim capsule of them.

Notes for Energy Task Force Day 6

Day 6 (cattlemen, alchemists, shaman, Ken Lay, Carrot Top)

Cattlemen are first up this morning, Lukas Short, “Red” Johnson, Jimmy Dean, and Wilford Brimley are presenting ideas on alternative fuels.

(doodle of cow plugged into to electrical outlet)

Lukas says a great big Howdy from all my friends out west. Dean smells of sage. Brimley asked to be excused to “let the heifers out of the barn”, probably too many Grape Nuts or Quaker Oats. (Note to self: cancel continental breakfast for Energy attendees)

Lukas talks about cattle crap and bourbon as an alternative to fossil fuels. Says he has a tractor that runs on the stuff, calls it Grassoline. He says he can run a city the size of Beaumont on a 1000 head of cattle and a truckload of Jim Beam.

(doodle of Sen. Leahy with knife in back)

Brimley returns with toilet paper on his shoe. Dean mentions something about sausage being an especially gassy food. Everyone ignores him. Brimley asks for another bowl of Grape Nuts. I tell him about the toilet paper to throw him off.

Lukas relates a story of a farmer, his daughter, and a traveling salesman. (Note to self: find out what “shore have a purty mouth” means)

(doodle of Leahy as salesman in previous joke, don’t ask me to elaborate)

Lukas mentions pure grain alcohol made of sugar beets, rye grass, and barley. I ask if the resulting mixture can be used to fuel cars or produce cheaper electricity. He says he just wanted a glass, his flask was running a bit low. We order him some from Stetson’s. Brimley mentions his sherry enema habit. (Note to self: do not invite Brimley back …ever)

Lukas wants me to ask Congress for money to develop a Grassoline powered hybrid vehicle by 2008. Says he has a ’71 Chevy he can start on tomorrow. I think he just wants money for whisky. Brimley clears out the room, Lukas comments “If you claim that filly, you might look silly”. I have to remember that one.

Up this afternoon: Lead, the dead, Club-med, and redhead.

I just love it when the wheels of government are turned by a man like Luke. He promised me a conversion kit as soon as he comes up with the right mix of cow-pie and red-eye. I think he’s having a little problem with the exhaust system, or maybe he was talking about Wilford.

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