I'll have the bacon wrapped cheddar log.

Another one of those slow weeks here at DOUI. My “March Madness” tournament bracket was shot so full of holes over the weekend I ate it with ham on a bagel. All of the beautiful people are soaking up the sun on Spring Break or risking life and limb on the ski slopes, so what is a freelance comedy writer to do? You always have your health. This article, which espouses the use of pomegranate juice for heart health, was just the ticket for me as I lounged around in my pajamas smoking a Montecristo No. 2. It seemed the simplest way to keep my heart healthy while not undergoing any major life changes. Thank you Dr. Claudio Napoli M.D. Ph.D. of the University of Naples School of Medicine!!! Or so I thought. That was before a retraction of the sentence, “Napoli said that while it is hard to extrapolate data from mice to humans, an equivalent amount of pomegranate juice for humans would be the equivalent of about 16 ounces daily.” Seems the good doctor had fouled up the extrapolation and it turns out you have to drink 16 GALLONS A DAY.

When this news got to the American Medical Association and the USDA it caused them to do a review of their formulas for diet and exercise as well. It seems that the formulas have been screwed up for the last fifty or so years and they have had to revise the portion size and types of food. I was privy to a first draft of the new guidelines.

Fruits and Vegetables – 2 serving per week. Mainly processed fruit snacks containing only 10% fruit juice and vegetable snack crackers with processed cheese spread.

Meats and Fish – 10 servings per day. At least 5 of the servings should be bacon or a processed bacon substitute made of at least 80% organ meat. Fish should be limited to fish sticks or restaurant fish fillets fried in a thick batter. Steak should accompany every meal.

Milk, Yogurt, and Cheese – 5 servings per day. Mainly cheese and whole milk eaten by themselves for a snack. If you are lactose intolerant substitute another serving of bacon and drink 2 gallons of sweet tea.

Bread, Cereal, Rice, and Pasta – 8 servings a day. Cereal should be limited to artificially sweetened varieties with large doses of dye. At least four servings should be wheat or grain beverages such as beer or whisky. For children “near-beer” should be substituted.

Fats, Oils, and Sweets – 24 servings a day. These food items should be carried around by the individual all day and eaten at regular intervals.

A normal adult should get at least 20 minutes of exercise a day in one of the following forms:

• 
  Television remote lifts followed by a set of snack thrusts.
• 
  A set of 100 twelve ounce curls followed by a walk to the bathroom.
• 
  Origami using fruit roll-ups or American cheese slices.

With time and a bit of luck we can reverse 50 years of quack science and this country can once again be lean and mean. Keep hope alive.