You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Translating and Summarizing the Presidential Debate

I know that most of you here in the US skipped the Presidential debates last night, instead choosing to deal with much higher priorities: High school football. (Whatever financial crisis grips the States, you can be sure that all is well when people can plunk down five dollars to watch local schoolboys run over each other in light body armour.)

Given that many of you missed the debates, I've been hard a work developing a translation and summarization of the debate. I feel that the candidates spend too much time trying to dazzle us with clever language or their command of the facts (their facts, as opposed to the actual facts). So, what follows is a brief, hopefully concise exposition of the titanic* struggle between McCain and Obama last night.


(The candidates enter, shake hands, and retreat to their corners... erm, podiums.)

Senator Obama: Johnny boy, you are an elderly, out-of-touch, fuddy-duddy, who would rather pull the liver out of our advesaries than have a nice conversation with them. You grizzled, Campbell-soup-eating, budget-slashing, Bush-lovin', GI-Joe playin' prune!

Senator McCain: Senator Barack Hussein Obama would rather put his arm around our terrorist enemies, offer them a Kleenex with Aloe , and serve them a Waldorf salad and Chablis than give them the brutal thrashing they deserve. His idea of controlling government spending is to leave the original names on the businesses he nationalizes and puts his wife in charge of, the communist dupe!

Senator Obama: You decrepit old fossil!

Senator McCain: You ignorant whippersnapper!

(They shake hands. The debate ends. Joe Biden's hollow laughter can be heard in the background.)

There, I've just saved you eighty eight minutes.

I wonder if Pip Clowson will be in the next debate? That ought to liven things up. I'm particularly fond of his plans to create octogonical quarters.

*Yes, I am thinking of the ship.