If you're not Donald Trump, check out our archives below. If you are Donald Trump, fix your hair before you do that. Please.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
I thought he was faking to get out of the ticket.
The traffice police in a Melbourne suburb are a particularly hard lot. They'll ticket you even if you're dead.
What was the officer thinking?
"He's faking, I just bleeding know it. Ah, ha! I could have sworn I saw an eyelid move."
(That reminds me of a passage from a They Might Be Giants song, Exquisite Dead Guy.
"Exquisite dead guy
Rotating in his display case.
Exquisite dead guy
Swear I saw his mouth move.")
"I'm going to wait him out. He'll have to open his eyes soon and then I'll give him the ticket."
"Maybe he's asleep. I'm feeling a bit peckish. I think there's a new Krispy Kreme shop down the street. I'll leave the ticket on the windscreen. Won't he be surprised when he comes to."
The ticketee was not the one surprised in this case. A least he didn't turn out to be Hoffa.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Giant "Corpse Flower" is a Hoax!
A specimen of what was supposed to be the world's largest and smelliest flower, turned out to be a rank hoax.
This week, the Stuttgart Botannical Garden in Germany was exhibiting it's prized Titan Arum or "Amorphophallus Titanium" (Or "Changing Metal Thingy" in English). The popular nickname for the T and A, is "the Corpse Flower" because, as Haley Joel Osment might say, it smells like dead people.
Needless to say that, upon closer inspection, the botanists in Stuttgart were quite surprised to find out that their flower was in fact a Titan Aromum, or "Fake Giant Stinky Flower that Doesn't Actually Smell Half Bad, Kind of like Cabbage." After an detailed study of the plant, they learnt that the overpowering smell of rotting flesh coming from the flower was due to the prescence inside the plant of one Jimmy Hoffa, the missing American labour leader.
"We were very disappointed to find out it wasn't a Corpse Flower, but we did solve one of the biggest mysteries of the 20th Century!" said botanist Gurnst Ribbenflocken Von Spackle.
Visiting tourists demanded their money back when they learnt that the aroma they had been whiffing was not a world famous smelly plant, but in fact, the remains of a world famous labour leader. The Botannical Gardens were unable to provide monetary refunds, but did offer disppointed Arum-seekers free admission to their next special exhibition: Hoffa, The Man, The Fertilizer.
Stuck thumb in blackberry pie?!?!?
Techno-geekery hit another snag this year when some Blackberry users discovered that they were suffering from a new malady: Blackberry Thumb. MMMMM Blackberry Thumb!!!! Apparently, the infirmity involves the overuse of the thumb ligaments while typing bad jokes into your Blackberry so the guys back at the office can get a good laugh and think you're cool. The problem is that they still think you're a dork and are really laughing AT YOU and how lame you and your jokes are. Oh that, and the fact that your thumbs get all weak and crampy.
A similar sickness has affected those who listen to rapper Kanye West and his comments concerning conceived racism especially in regards to Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath. Alliteration aside, let's look at how this new disorder; Kanye Face Distortion or KFD, affects various people.
"We already realize a lot of people that could help are at war right now, fighting another way -- and they've given them permission to go down and shoot us!" - Kanye West
"George Bush doesn't care about Black people." - Kanye West
"Before you ask me to go get a job today/ Can I at least get a raise on the minimum wage/ And I know the government administered AIDS." - Kanye West lyrics to "Heard'em Say"
"How we stop the Black Panthers?, Ronald Reagan cooked up an answer." - Kanye West lyrics to "Crack Music".
(Actually I'm not sure this is a case of KFD)
"Who gave Saddam anthrax?/George Bush got the answers." - Kanye West lyrics to "Crack Music"
So as you can see, this is a disturbing malady which cripples the facial muscles and leaves the patient looking like he imbibed too much Glenfiddich the night before. Wait a minute... although that can't explain the baby. Oh well, just thought everyone should know and be careful what you listen to.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
George W. Bush to Join U2
Bono, frontman for legendary rock band U2 met with President Bush at the White House yesterday. Ostensibly the meeting was to discuss poverty relief and combatting AIDS in Africa but sources reveal that Bono was also looking for a new member to spice up the band during their current world tour.
Reportedly Bono asked Bush if he would be willing to sing backup for the band. Bush reportedly answered that he had a gig for the next three years, but would be thrilled to sign on with the Dublin-based quartet after that.
Bush immediately sent an order to the Presidential tailor to design a set of full-length leather business suits for him. White House aides said that the President would expect to wear leather bodysuits and other traditional rock outfits while on tour with the band, but pointed out that he wants to "transition" into that mode slowly while still in office. A leather catsuit was also ordered for the First Lady.
Bono confirmed through a spokesman (named Ted) that if Bush came on board, there would also be room for Rumsfeld as a roadie or press agent. He also referred to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice as "a really swinging babe who could hammer the keyboards for us."
Choke on These Quarters Scammer!!!
A recent Yahoo!/LA Times article points out how lucrative the Nigerian scamming business has become lately. The Nigerian "419" scam, named after the Nigerian anti-fraud statute (and I thought it was based on the number of these e-mails I get each week), is apparently lucrative business for the young parasitic, arrogant, greedy, moronic, pestilent, brain-damaged, lousy, criminal scumbags in the subculture of Nigeria who perpetrate it. Yes, I am sick of these stupid e-mails. However did you notice?
You get some scope of the problem when you learn that the Nigerian government has seized $700 million in the last two years relating to the scam. In a related story, Bill Gates just announced that he will be opening a new, as yet unnamed, division of Microsoft in Lagos, Nigeria.
Anyway, the scams go like this: You get an e-mail telling you that someone is in need or that someone has died leaving a large sum of money or that they are in jail, or that they've discovered oil, or that their hair is on fire and it really, really hurts (This last one is quite rare.) If you respond, at some point the perpetrator of the scam tells you that in order for the transaction or assistance to occur, or to put out their flaming coiffure, you have to send them a large sum of money. There are people who actually fall for this. Most of these are Amway salespersons, compulsive Lotto players, and Chicago Cubs fans.
In the LA Times! article, the scammers admit to targeting Americans because they think they are "rich and easy to fool." That and because French and Germans are too tight with the Euro.
"Vas? Hair on fire? Cry me Die Rhine mein Herr. Ha! Hair und Herr...Get it? (Extensive mirth von Deutsch ensues.)"
Seriously, there was even a popular song in Nigeria about the scam with the following lyrics:
"White people are greedy, I can say they are greedy
White men, I will eat your dollars, will take your money and disappear."
(Lyrics by Louis Farrankan)
My answer to all of this is for people to start fighting fire with humour. Write them back and make relentless fun of them. Dangle large sums of money in their faces in the e-mail and then tell them they'll never get a cent the poor theiving bastards. Below is a demo letter that you can use. Be sure not to sign your real name though, because these people are crooked and desperate and may seek revenge. If they ask, I didn't put you up to this and was, in fact, in Alaska at the time you wrote them.
Dear Crook (Alias Major General Widow Hot Mama Flaming Hair Obesukye Obadanga, etc...),
Thanks so much for the post. I was deeply moved to hear that you lost your loved one, wallet, home, lottery ticket, whatever it was in the e-mail I barely read because I know you're just a pitiless scamming bastard trying to squeeze every drop of red blood out of me via my bank account.
It just so happens that the day before you sent the e-mail, I inherited over 10 trillion dollars from my great uncle's thriving donut business. Unfortunately for you, you will never see a cent of this dough, you nut. In fact, my company is billing you for the time I've lost reading your stupid e-mails. As my time is worth $1,000 an hour and I'm a slow reader, that's $70,000 you owe me.
I'll be sending F. Johnny Lee to collect. His method is simple and involves Ginzu knives and toenails (yours). Just don't let him start in about stare decisis or corporate law or his 12th wife. I wouldn't wish any of that on my worst enemy.
Bite Me You Theiving Douchebag,
Sign false name here
P.S. Hope the hair grows back even if the toenails don't.
If you want to get really nasty with them, you might add how you noticed that Nigeria is out of the World Cup next year... Eat those dollars, scam-punks.
Thetan lawyers on the offensive!!!!
I found this article today concerning the website “ScienTOMogy” and how the Church of Scientology is flexing their legal muscles to shut it down. Now, rarely do we promote other websites here but I checked out ScienTOMogy.info and found it had some humorous value despite a bit of colorful language, although they do seem rather overt in their strident anti-Scientologyness. (Did that make sense? Blah, Blah, overt blah strident blah, oh nevermind) We at DOUI must however take umbrage with those loons over at the Scientology Institute or whatever they call themselves. As many of our readers are aware we rarely take umbrage, except as part of a fiber-rich diet, but this was a case that demanded immediately taking it. (I'm sorry, I've been told that what we normally take is in fact ruffage, so please just ignore that last sentence.) Indeed, we are pissed off that these self-absorbed clowns are attacking a perfectly innocent parody site.
In the vein of aforementioned parody, I also got to thinking about what other outlets crazy Tom might exploit to get people into the "Scientology" state of mind.
Children’s books maybe…
The Xenu That Stole Christmas
Down in Thetan-ville
Liked Christmas a lot.
Down in Teegeeack,
Perhaps through song…
By L. Ron Hubbard
He’s auditing neu-ral-feedback
Warnings on Ritalin and crack
Only L. Ron had the knack.
And Tom’s got no defense for it
He’s done the research bits on it,
What good would common sense for it do'
Cause it's witchcraft, wicked witchcraft
And although, Thetan level 15, is strictly taboo...
Maybe he could bring back the Burma Shave signs…
I will personally be lending the support of F. Johnny Lee to the "ScienTOMolgists" without further delay.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
DOUI versus the FONZ - Part VI - Tai What???
The National Zoo of the United States has announced the name of its new panda cub.
No, it's not Stew, either. I know you're disappointed.
No, in a direct affront to this web site and our dozens of fans (and I mean dozens in terms of counting everyone's fingers and toes as individuals), they have named the panda cub "Tai Shan".
Like many of you, at first I thought Tai Shan was the name of the space princess in Star Trek, whose tears caused Captain Kirk to fall in love with her, until he found that he had a greater love, that being himself...excuse me, I mean the Enterprise. I was then corrected, as that individual was Elaan of Troyius, who, incidentally, is in no way related to Elian Gonzales.
In actuality, the name "Tai Shan" is Mandarin for "Peaceful Mountain."
Peaceful Mountain?? Peaceful Mountain??!!??
OK, I realise that the folks at the National Zoo are zoologists, and bureaucrats at that, but this has to be the worst of the names on their list after "China, Washington, Magnificent." Why not just name the poor blighter "Beat Me Up, Please?"
All right, I know I'm repeating myself, but I'm vexed.
Of course, the greatest offence is not recognizing the efforts our own Stew Miller went to, in order the get the panda cub a proper name. The winner was "Bon Bon", sent in by Elizabeth K. of parts unknown. I should add that she is a real person...not one of us, as would be the usual case.
Since "Bon Bon" was rejected, I repeatedly requested, via two representatives of FONZ (The Friends of the National Zoo and Henry Winkler), that the National Zoo staff add "Stew" to the panda's name, in honour of the 30 minutes effort he took to post the contest and collect the names (all right, "name") and make up a few more himself. All of Stew's hard work was in advance of the National Zoo's contest no less, so far as we know.
Their response has been like a slap of ice water to the face on a January morning in Edmonton, Canada. Which is a colourful way of saying that they haven't responded. I could be writing the wrong people, but these were the addresses off the website. So, of course, I must make one last, monumental, diligent, belligerent effort to change their minds, or at the least, to acknowledge they have been receiving my mail. This effort thus follows:
Dear You Know Who from Happy Days,
Well, you've gone and done it now. You've named the poor little newspaper-coloured tyke "Tai Shan." Unfortunately, not only have you deeply offended my colleague Stew Miller, who put his heart and soul, and at least 30 minutes effort, into the panda-naming contest we started (see previous messages), but you also have overlooked that "Tai Shan" in Cantonese means "bird poop."
All right, I was kidding about that last part, but I bet you zipped over to the "Big Book of Cantonese Names: US Zookeepers Edition" (Irving Wallace, Bantam, 1973) just to make sure, didn't you?
Nonetheless, the choice of the name "Peaceful Mountain" is bound to be unsuitable to the Chinese, who, upon the wee bairn's arrival in China two years hence, will no doubt change the little cubby's nom-de-panda to something more institutionally acceptable, such as "Invade Taiwan" or "Bite Us Dalai Lama!"
After looking over your list of sponsors, I now relaize you have been buying time to get an appearance on the Today Show with noted panda-shmoozer Katie Couric. For shame. Shame! Shame! Shame! (If it helps to capture the effect, please reread the last three words while imagining a large Anglo-Saxon man slowly shaking his head over a half-empty glass of ale.)
Of course, this deliberate attack on our integrity, as well as these cheap attempts at publicity, cannot go unanswered. Therefore, I have resolved to conduct one of the following forms of protest:
1. Parade around the grounds of the National Zoo in a thong, with the words "Tai Shan is Stew!" tattooed to my body.
2. Replace Matt Lauer's cue-cards on Today with cards containing the words "Help me, I'm am a panda named Bon-Bon Stew being held captive by the National Zoo" and "My pants are full of Jello!" Admittedly, the latter one has nothing to do with this dispute, but would be highly entertaining.
3. Stand outside the offices of the National Zoo singing Wayne Newton's "Danke Schoen" at the top of my lungs for days on end. This would be nasty indeed.
4. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever write you people again (maybe).
I shall only resort to number 4 upon receipt of a response to this e-mail, or the public promise of "I Love Tai Shan" baseball caps or t-shirts, size XXL for myself and the other 3 regular members of this blog.
Co-Editor and Contributor
The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas
P.S. Say hello to little Peaceful Bon-Bon Stew Mountain for us, please.
Now this is just silly!!!!!!!!!
Finally awakened yesterday by my Double Mocha Valencia Frappacino with two shots afagado, I was shocked to find out that the two Chinese astronauts had returned the day before and were welcomed back to the cosmodrome by Jose Jimenez and Bill Daily, I Dream of Jeannie’s Major Healey. When I went to the Chinese news service’s webpage I saw this picture which raised questions in my mind as to whether it was all an elaborate hoax. Had the Chinese really sent two astronauts into space or did they merely shoot an empty capsule into orbit? Knowing that NORAD monitors all space launches from other countries I filed the FOI (Freedom of Information) paperwork and was surprised I could get my hands on the classified transcript from the launch.
Classified Transcript of Chinese Shenzhou 6
Jiuquan Rocket Base
Fei: We are seated in the capsule and are ready for the launch. Nie has stowed the Tang and we are strapped into our seats for the liftoff.
Announcer: The door to the capsule is now being closed and the gantry is being moved away from the rocket.
Nie: This is exciting, I can’t wait to be in space. (faintly in background) Who ordered the Wonton soup? SHHHH, get him out.
Announcer: Obviously some radio bleed-over there from the local town.
Shuffling of wooden chairs on floor heard.
Announcer: And now for the countdown: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, the rockets are igniting, 2, 1 and we have lift-off of the Shenzhou 6.
Nie: Oh, that is bumpy but very correct…thanks to the People’s Space Rocket Industry.
Fei: Yes, it is very correct. Wooo hooo, Godspeed John Glenn!!!!
20 seconds later
Fei: We are now in space, and can feel the weightlessness as we are releasing our buckles. It is truly wonderful to feel as light as a feather. I can see the moon and all of its craters, it looks as thought I can reach out and touch it.
Nie: Here Fei, have some Tang to celebrate our glorious lift-off. Look at the stars, they are exactly as depicted in our People’s Flag.
Announcer: The astronauts are now enjoying their Tang and are giving the thumbs up sign to the cameras, the ending of a very successful and glorious lift-off.
Fei: Jiuquang, we have a problem.
Nie: Great Neil Armstrong’s ghost, a giant space squid is attacking the capsule!!! Please advise procedure to defeat it.
Announcer: The capsule is under attack from a giant space squid. The control room is checking into the proper ISO 9001 procedures to defeat it. They have pulled out a flowchart that should give them the answer momentarily.
5 Hours later
Nie: The space squid is defeated and we are ready for our return to earth. We eat squid tonight my comrades.
Fei: We are closing the capsule screen door. (faintly) 不, 您無法做那. Sorry, I mean we are preparing for reentry.
Nie: I can feel the heat upon my buttocks now. Bless you Gordo Cooper.
Announcer: The astronauts are feeling the effects of the friction on the heatshield now and will be out of radio contact.
Fei: (not aware of open mike) Thank goodness, I’ve got to drain the main vein.
Nie: You are live… Jiuquang, we are draining the main line of fuel in preparation for our glorious return.
Fei: Nice save.
5 minutes later
Announcer: And they are returning now and have made a glorious landing. Both have been given wreaths of flowers and a lifetime supply of lo mein. Hail the Glorious Revolution.
Monday, October 17, 2005
Panda Naming Contest - The Line has been crossed!
I'll be traveling today, so I can't respond immediately to this.
...But you know I will be responding, don't you.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
After a suspenseful wait, the newest actor to take on the role of James Bond has been announced. His name? Craig, Daniel Craig. So what has the first impression of the film media been?
Horrified voices of weasely entertainment reporters: "He's blonde! James Bond is blonde!!! His hair is the same color as the villain from From Russia with Love!! He's blonde we tell you!!!!! (Cue apopletic fit of entertainment news posts and television pieces.) "
Before the people at Entertainment Tonight, Entertainment Weekly, and the E! Channel (No, the "E!" doesn't stand for "Entertainment", it stands for "Excrement") start slitting their own throats in despair, perhaps I should point out something.
They can dye his hair.
I don't know much about Daniel Craig, but I do know that there is a tradition of "Interim Bonds" in the series. After Sean Connery's initial stint, Australian George Lazenby wallabalooed his way through a single film, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, leaving viewers with the impression that the inestimably suave James Bond had been replaced with his stilted country cousin. We were supposed to believe that Diana Rigg was driven to swooning over a bloke who walked about like he was avoiding cattle droppings in the pasture, rather than seducing nubile and flaky young women. Emma Peel, Rigg's character from The Avengers, would have repeatedly planted a spike-heeled leather boot in that Bond's sternum until his chest looked like a colander with nipples.
After Roger Moore's lengthy run, Timothy Dalton took on the role, but was handicapped by the fact that he played Bond as a really nice, affable guy, who just happened to be a licenced to kill secret agent. In fact, in his second and last Bond film, coincidentally entitled Licence to Kill, Bond spent the entire film seeking horrible revenge for the multilation of his close friend, CIA agent Felix Leiter. (Incidentally, Leiter was originally played by Hawaii Five-O star Jack Lord, in the first Bond movie, Dr. No. Jack Lord not only would not have allow a bunch of thugs to harm him, but would have calmly killed all of them with a rounded toothpick.) Dalton played Bond as though he were on a desperate and dangerous quest for a really good bottle of shampoo. It didn't help that one of the dangerous villians in the film was played by perennial Vegas showman Wayne Newton. It's hard to be intimidated by a villain whose greatest threat is that he might, at any minute, break out into a rendition of Danke Schoen.
So, who knows what will become of this new Blonde Bond? He may turn out to be a hit, or, in a few years from now, he may be yet another answer to a question in Trival Pursuit, the Bond Edition (Name the only actor to play Bond who was a toe-head.)