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Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Now this is just silly!!!!!!!!!

Finally awakened yesterday by my Double Mocha Valencia Frappacino with two shots afagado, I was shocked to find out that the two Chinese astronauts had returned the day before and were welcomed back to the cosmodrome by Jose Jimenez and Bill Daily, I Dream of Jeannie’s Major Healey. When I went to the Chinese news service’s webpage I saw this picture which raised questions in my mind as to whether it was all an elaborate hoax. Had the Chinese really sent two astronauts into space or did they merely shoot an empty capsule into orbit? Knowing that NORAD monitors all space launches from other countries I filed the FOI (Freedom of Information) paperwork and was surprised I could get my hands on the classified transcript from the launch.

Classified Transcript of Chinese Shenzhou 6

Jiuquan Rocket Base


Fei: We are seated in the capsule and are ready for the launch. Nie has stowed the Tang and we are strapped into our seats for the liftoff.

Announcer: The door to the capsule is now being closed and the gantry is being moved away from the rocket.

Nie: This is exciting, I can’t wait to be in space. (faintly in background) Who ordered the Wonton soup? SHHHH, get him out.

Announcer: Obviously some radio bleed-over there from the local town.

Shuffling of wooden chairs on floor heard.


Announcer: And now for the countdown: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, the rockets are igniting, 2, 1 and we have lift-off of the Shenzhou 6.

Nie: Oh, that is bumpy but very correct…thanks to the People’s Space Rocket Industry.

Fei: Yes, it is very correct. Wooo hooo, Godspeed John Glenn!!!!

20 seconds later

Fei: We are now in space, and can feel the weightlessness as we are releasing our buckles. It is truly wonderful to feel as light as a feather. I can see the moon and all of its craters, it looks as thought I can reach out and touch it.

Nie: Here Fei, have some Tang to celebrate our glorious lift-off. Look at the stars, they are exactly as depicted in our People’s Flag.

Announcer: The astronauts are now enjoying their Tang and are giving the thumbs up sign to the cameras, the ending of a very successful and glorious lift-off.

Fei: Jiuquang, we have a problem.

Nie: Great Neil Armstrong’s ghost, a giant space squid is attacking the capsule!!! Please advise procedure to defeat it.

Announcer: The capsule is under attack from a giant space squid. The control room is checking into the proper ISO 9001 procedures to defeat it. They have pulled out a flowchart that should give them the answer momentarily.

5 Hours later

Nie: The space squid is defeated and we are ready for our return to earth. We eat squid tonight my comrades.

Fei: We are closing the capsule screen door. (faintly) 不, 您無法做那. Sorry, I mean we are preparing for reentry.

Nie: I can feel the heat upon my buttocks now. Bless you Gordo Cooper.

Announcer: The astronauts are feeling the effects of the friction on the heatshield now and will be out of radio contact.

Fei: (not aware of open mike) Thank goodness, I’ve got to drain the main vein.

Nie: You are live… Jiuquang, we are draining the main line of fuel in preparation for our glorious return.

Fei: Nice save.

5 minutes later

Announcer: And they are returning now and have made a glorious landing. Both have been given wreaths of flowers and a lifetime supply of lo mein. Hail the Glorious Revolution.


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