It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Smurf This!

The scandalous Smurf war is at an end.

The end came suddenly, just as the Superfriends, along with their allies The Transformers, Scooby-Doo and the Gang (No relation to Kool and the Gang), Scrappy-Doo, Scruffy-Doo, Squirrely-Doo, and at least 20,000 other Doo relations (Message to Shaggy - Bob Barker insists that you have Scooby neutered), Hong Kong Phooey, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, The Shogun Warriors, and a very agitated Strawberry Shortcake, were about to make the final push over Smurfette Hills into Smurf Village (No Freudian Slip intended.)

The Smurfs, joined by their long-time allies, Blue from Blue's Clues, the Tick, andThundarr the Barbarian made a last second deal to join forces with the Superfriends. The following conditions were in the agreement:

1. The Superfriends agree to apologize for slandering the Smurfs by associating them with the Ku Klux Klan, when it is well known that only Grandpa Smurf is a member of that notorious organization. In compensation for this apology, Batman gets to run down Grandpa Smurf in the Bat-Tank. This was an easy deal for the Smurfs as Grandpa Smurf had been fragged during the first attack by Nosey Smurf, after making ethnic aspersions to Nosey Smurf's being half-Alsatian. Go figure.

2. Robin, the Boy Wonder gets to marry Smurfette. In response to the news, Robin booked a guest apperance on Oprah and spent the weekend practice-bouncing on the Bat-couch and denouncing psychiatry. Rumours that Smurfette is "late" cannot be confirmed, but an unidentified source who contacted me via the red-phone denied them outright, pointing out that "Robin's boys don't swim."

3. Papa Smurf gets to marry Wonder Woman. On hearing this news, Wonder Woman hung herself with her golden lasso. As consolation, Papa Smurf was set up on a blind date with Hawkgirl, and told that if that didn't work out (i.e. If Hawkgirl suicidally flew into a giant plate glass window at the news), he would have a shot at Wonder Twin Jayna who liked older, short, tiny blue men, and also is a confirmed tramp. Wonder Twin brother Zan "Jaime Haven Voight" will chaperone permanently.

4. Thundarr gets to make a guest appearance on The Superfriends in a role as Wonder Woman's widower. During the appearance, he gets to shout "Thundarr!!" as many times as he chooses. No one was brave enough to point out that The Superfriends hasn't been on the air in ages. Thundarr was last seen in the Justice League of America Green Room eating mini-quiches and muttering "I'm Thundarr, dammit!" under his breath.

5. UNICEF, which has been determined to have been responsible for the original bombing of the Smurf Village, has been sent a very nasty letter, penned by special envoy Dick Dastardly (Seriously, that's his name.) We can't reproduce it on this blog, but let's just say that if Kofi Annan's hair wasn't already white, it would be after reading the letter. The head of UNICEF was also pie-ed by Muttley.

6. Strawberry Shortcake will be shot immediately. All parties agreed to this without debate.

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