Hang on you Turkey!!

As many of our more internationalist readers are no doubt aware, the nation of Turkey is applying to join the European Union. Since the EU is run by a secret cabal of lifelong bureaucrats, addicted to expensive French wine, Russian caviar, British Sterling, and racy Swedish undergarments, one can see the difficulties in a second world Islamic country, only recently committed to democracy, getting membership in this club.

There are certainly legitimate concerns where Turkey is involved, in human rights, economics, and the complete refusal of Ankara to recognize the beginning of the fashion season.

The real difficulty though is that the membership requirements are simply complex and, quite frankly, bizarre. What follows are excerpts from the European Union secret handbook on approving and initiating new member nations:

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Section 2.3.2 - Applicant nations shall maintain a gross national product growth of at least 1 percent, ten years prior to admission to the European Union. Nations will agree to lend half of this to the governments of France and Germany, to cover their gambling losses in Monaco. This money shall be left in a brown paper bag outside the Gare d'Orsay, Paris, France, or alternately, in a shoebox at the service enterance of the Reichstag building, Berlin, Germany. No mention of this payment, or even this section of the handbook, shall ever be made to the British or Italians, lest they desire a cut of the action.

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Section 2.4.5 - Applicant nations must be able to demonstrate that they have sent a finalist to the Miss World beuty pageant in the last 20 years running, and that, if asked, each of these women will be willing to date EU parliament members. Libertines preferred.

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Section 2.7.7 -a. Applicant nations must own a plunger. The bidet at the EU building in Brussles backs up quite a bit, and if it happens while you're in there, your not using ours.

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Section 3.1.0 - No hippies.

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Section 3.51 - Applicant nations must present at least 4 citizens of their nation who have an extra nipple. Acceptable substitutes will include 7 citizens with an extra finger, 12 citizens with webbed feet, or 120 citizens who can touch their noses with their tongues. Nations may be accepted on a probationary basis if they cannot meet these requirements but can provide at least 13 citizens who are certified by the EU as contortionists.

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Section 4.80 - Applicant nations must have soft, silky hair, that does not contain an excessive amount of conditioner or other hair care products. They must brush their hair at least twice daily. Extensions are expressly prohibited.

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Section 5.37 -c. - Applicant nations must own a duckbilled platypus named Dweezle. No exceptions.

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Section 9.3.2.1.7.8.4.7.3.0.2.6.5 - a. - Applicant nations must change their name to one of the following: Chiracland, Brusselvania, Heinrichland, or Steve. Something with the word "Dingo" in it may be acceptable, on approval from the "Subcommittee for Renaming Nations in Order to Humiliate Them and Make Us Feel Superior."

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Section 9.9 - Applicant nations must pick up the tab at all EU cocktail functions. Heavy tipping encouraged.