Sniffles Rides Again

When things become a bit pressing and I need a little break, I know that I can always turn to an old friend and teacher, Sniffles the Mouse. The former Warner Brothers cartoon actor spends most of his time these days relaxing at his Palm Beach villa (Rancho Sniffles), and sipping expresso, which has long been his favorite drink and is probably the source of his rapid and unique manner of self-expression.

Knowing that Sniffles can be counted on to offer an opinion on just about anything, and as I was bored, I called up my old friend and asked him about some current events.

Earl: Sniffles, it's great to be chatting with you.

Sniffles: My name is Sniffles. What's your name?

Earl: It's Earl. We've known each other since 1985, when you taught that Animation, Slapstick, and Psychiatry course at university.

Sniffles: Hi, Earl. That's a funny name, "Earl." It's like "pearl" only without a "p". Oh, I remember you! You were the funny kid in the back who kept sticking his finger in his ears and scratching his...

Earl: (Coughing loudly) Ahem! Sniffles, you've seen a lot in your lifetime. What's the most amazing thing that has come along during that period?

Sniffles: Well, Earl...I'm wondering about this thing called the Internet. What is the Internet anyway? Is it the same as the World Wide Web, because a net and a web aren't the same thing. I mean they look like the same thing and both of 'em are used to catch stuff, but one is made of rope and the other is made of a spider's web. Is the World Wide Web made out of a spider's web, cause how could they send a computer signal over a spider's web? Wouldn't that make the spiders angry? Do the spiders operate the World Wide Web or do they just live there? I've heard of spiders on the World Wide Web but they must really be hungry on account of the flies, 'cause I ain't never seen any flies on the World Wide Web. Do the flies live over on the Internet? Maybe the spiders have to jump from the web to the rope and then eat the flies. I think they must like the rope, 'cause it's not sticky like an ol' spider's web, but I sure think they're real glad when they're fed and back home. I bet it's just like when I go out to a restaurant, except that I don't eat any nasty flies, preferring Fettucine Carbonara, yep, that's it I betcha!

Earl: Fair enough. How do you feel about the changes in the movie industry?

Sniffles: I love movies. I was in the movies, you know. I went to see Titanic the other day. Have you seen Titanic? I saw Titanic. What did you think about that scene where that skinny guy stands up in front of the ship and shouts, "I'm the King of the World!" Wasn't that silly? Have you ever wanted to be King of the World? I haven't! That seems like a really big job, and I'm only a lil' old mouse. I couldn't even wear the crown, it would be so big. Did you see the scene where he drew that picture of the naked lady? I was real embarrassed when I saw that scene. Have you ever seen a naked lady? I did, when I saw that movie. Why'd they drive that ship into the iceberg? Didn't they see it coming or were they too busy shouting "I'm the King of the World!" and drawing pictures of naked ladies. I saw Kill Bill Vol. 1 too. Did you see Kill Bill Vol. 1? I thought it was real violent. I'm not really into to violence. Are you into violence? You don't look violent. How'd they do that scene where the blood gushed out of that guy's head? Did it hurt the guy? Do they have to kill a lot of people when they make these movies, 'cause that wouldn't be a good job. Sure you get to be in the pictures, but then you're dead and no matter how much money they pay you, you can't really spend it if you're dead, can you? People always say, you're suppose to make a living, right? Dying ain't much of living, boy oh boy it ain't. Didn't Clint Eastwood say somethin' like that one time. He sure is a crusty ol' fella, that Clint Eastwood. He always plays a cowboy in the movies, 'cept when he plays a policeman, and then he plays him like a cowboy. I wonder if he can really ride a horse? I bet he can shoot a gun real good, I betcha! My name is Sniffles!

Earl: Well Sniffles. I was going to ask you about the United Nations, the European Union, North Korea, Iraq, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston's divorce, Tom Cruise's lunacy, the World Cup, and the state of quantum physics science over the last decade, but I would be dead long before you'd halfway finished.

Sniffles: Why would you be dead, Earl? You aren't gonna jump off a bridge are you? I don't know why people would jump off a bridge, cause not only would they get killed but they'd be wet too. At least blood wouldn't gush out of 'em but still, that would hurt I betcha, and wouldn't they be better off sittin' down with a nice piece of cheese and a warm fire and...

Earl: Until next time, my friend. (Disconnects)