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Friday, September 30, 2005

I'll have the Calamari Grande please

Japan has finally done it. After years of searching and hoping, they have at long last discovered an actual sea monster...sort of. Japanese researchers have photographed the long-sought-after giant squid.

Toho Studios immediately issued a news release in which they stated their hopes to negotiate a movie contract with the squid. In a related press release from the studio, their latest monster film, Godzilla vs. the Giant Squid was put on hold due to a "possible casting change."

The scientists who photographed the squid noted that they lured the squid into camera range using bait at the end of a long rope. Project leader Tsunemi Kubodera said, "The bait itself is a complex mix of sea bass, tuna, shrimp, and Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch." "I was in favor of using Count Chocula, but fortunately, an assistant talked me out of it," he added.

Apparently, the squid was momentarily caught in the baited rope before pulling free. A six metre tentacle was torn off and left behind by the squid. Scientists commented that this was unfortunate, but on the bright side, they were happy about their second entry into the record books that day, for the largest calamari dish ever caught, cooked and eaten.

One of the marine researchers on the project, Kyoichi Mori, claimed, "It tastes just like chicken."

In a related story, Ingrid Newkirk of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, fired off a stinging rebuke to the researchers for their "wanton abuse of a giant squid." The rebuke was contained in a 500 page letter to the editor at the Village Voice, written in dolphin-free crayon. "They claim it was unintentional," read one excerpt, "but that's what they said about Old Yeller and Free Willy too! Don't they realize that squids have deep and complex feelings!!! I know, because I was married to one in Holland in the 70's!!!!!!! Don't they understand that a squid losing a tentacle is like one of them losing a leg, that is, if there were five of them and they were all genetically fused at the shoulders!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The remainder of the document appeared to consist entirely of exclaimation points and one very large bacon grease stain on page 452.

As for the intrepid researchers, their actions may come back to haunt them. The eight metre long squid was last seen heading for Tokyo accompanied by a certain 400-foot tall radioactive dinosaur.

(Note: Toho Studios issued yet another press release stating that Godzilla was acting on his own and they were not responsible for any actions he took on behalf of the "giant" squid.)


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