Green Acres is the place to be...

While reading Earl’s post from last night I clicked on the link to Green Acres to re-familiarize myself with the show. When I got to the bottom of the page I saw the discussion board had a posting of which actors people would like to see as characters in a Green Acres movie. Among the various serious and sometimes silly posts I noticed this one:

Tony Shalhoub as Oliver
Uma Thurman as Lisa
Steve Buscemi as Eb
John Goodman as Hank Kimball
Billy Bob Thornton as Mr Ziffle
Bob Hoskins as Mr Drucker
Jon Polito as Mr Haney
And either the Coen Brothers or Sam Raimi could direct.

Immediately upon viewing the post I fell into a deep slumber. The dreams roiled in my head and all I can remember is the one where the above listed cast starred in the Green Acres episode where Mr. Haney mistakenly gets the delivery of cocaine meant for Hank Kimball with hilarious results. I wrote the dream down on Subway sandwich wrapper and it goes something like this:

EXT. DOUGLAS FARM MORNING

Oliver Douglas comes out of his house to grab the morning paper. He looks around but can’t find it but finally spots a corner of it protruding from the top of his roof. He grabs a chair from inside and is about to pluck it off the roof.

Mr. Haney: (in a raspy voice) Mr. Dougalase, are yuz having problems with ya paper delivery?

Oliver: Oh, Mr. Haney. Good morning. No, it just ended up on the top of the roof again, that little snot that delivers it must have some arm.

Mr. Haney: (raspy) Ah, well let me give ya my card…Haney Newspaper Delivery systems. We get the paper to ya front door with no problems. Only cost ya 50 bucks a month.

Oliver: But the paper is only 10 cents a day, why would I want to pay $50 a month?

Mr. Haney: (slightly raspier) Well Mr. Dougalase, those motza’s over in Pixely de got der way a doin’ things and I got mine.

Oliver: I think I’ll stick to the 10 cents, thanks Mr. Haney.

Mr. Haney: Alright, Alright. Say can I interest ya in some first class blow.

Oliver: Pardon me.

Mr. Haney: Yeah, I just came into possession of a kilo of top grade snow and need some new customers, here take a sample bag.

Lisa comes out of the house and sees them talking.

Lisa: Oliver, I’m going to make us some of my world famous hotscakes. (sees the bag and grabs it) Just what I was looking for, some powdered sugar.

Oliver: Lisa, don’t…

Lisa: Thanks darling.

Mr. Haney: Those euro types, dey do like the White Lady. Well, see ya later Mr. Dougalase.

Oliver: But…Oh great.

Hank Kimble and Mr. Ziffle come walking up after Mr. Haney leaves and smell the pancakes cooking inside.

Hank: Mr. Douglas, how are you today. (sniffing the air and rubbing his nose) Are those pancakes I smell?

Oliver: Yes they are Lisa was just making some.

Mr. Ziffle: Arnold’d make good bacon, mmm. Coffee makes me nervous when I drink it, mmm hmmm.

Hank: Say Mr. Douglas, you didn’t get a box marked for me did ya? It had my monthly supply of Bolivian marching powder and I can’t seem to find it.

Oliver: (patting Hank on the back) Would you like some hotscakes Hank?


This is of course followed up by the scene where Lisa puts Eb in the wood chipper after stabbing him in the eye with a katana.