A TomKat by any other name...

So Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have decided to get a jump start on the whole marriage thing and begin reproducing. While waiting until after, say, the wedding vows might have been nice (What do Scientologists say at their wedding? To love, honor, and audit until the day the mother ship takes you away? I'm just asking.), this is Hollywood and celebrities get so bored sitting around waiting for things like wedding licences and church bookings.

Anyway, I'm sure they appreciate Stew helping out with the baby naming. I don't have the Big Book of International Baby Names handy myself, but I do have a few suggestions they might fancy. Tom and Katie, I hope these help your youngster avoid severe beatings and - fight back the tears, Tom - lengthy psychiatric analysis.

If it's a girl:

• Katie Jr.
• Tina Louise Cruise
• Conchita Cruise (My favourite choice, just so you know)
• Mongo Cruise
• Nicole Cruise (Kidding!!)
• Moon Unit Cruise
• Anna Nicole Cruise
• Spacey Cruise
• Barbarella Cruise
• Queen Elizabeth II Cruise
• Earlene Stewia Zimpterina Juanita Carlita Cruise
• Secretariat

If it's a boy:

• Tom Arnold Cruise
• Tom Green Cruise Jr.
• L. Tom Cruise Jr.
• Slappy Cruise
• Squiggy Holmes-Cruise
• Joe Namath
• Dawson Creek Cruise
• Thomas Rainman Cruise
• Earl Stew Zimpter Juan Carlos Cruise
• Sigmund Freud Cruise (I'm kidding! Get off the bleedin' couch Thomas!)
• Dr. Funkenstein Cruise
• Katie Jr.

Best of luck to the both of you, and especially to your child, who, I predict years from now, will dearly wish you had chosen from the above list rather than the name you wound up giving them.