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Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Smurfed out in the prime of life...More or less.

The Telegraph has reported that Smurf village has been bombed. (Hat tip: Jonah "Mendooozza" Goldberg)

Apparently several Smurfs were killed in a massacre when their giant mushroom homes were bombed into Belgian Waffles by the Superfriends, who claimed to have discovered the insidious secret that the Smurfs were a secret branch of the KKK. (To add insult to injury, the homes were later whipped up into a tasty salad, which unfortunately may have included a Smurf or two.)

Superfriend Aquaman told reporters, "It gave me great pleasure to smash those racist, cross-burning scum into the ground. You'd think they'd be a bit more sensitive, being the blue-skinned little bastards they are." Superman had no comment, but did show Geraldo Rivera the bird when the maverick reporter asked if the son of Jor-El had used his heat vision on civilian Smurfs in violation of the Metropolis Convention. The news conference then ended when Wonder Woman called Rivera a "fascist pig", hog-tied the journalist with her magic lasso, and then announced she would never go out with him again.

Deputy Dawg stated that he would look into the whole affair, but that there was probably little he could do, as the Superfriends were duly deputized agents of the law, and were acting in self-defense. He explained that the Flash testified that he was doing some reconnaissance in the Smurf village when he was threatened by a large smurf who was waving a barbell. He called in the incident and that's when, as Batman explained, "All H-E-double hockey sticks broke loose, citizen." Batman's loyal sidekick and "ward", Robin, added, "Holy Blue Man Group, Batman!"

Notables from all over the cartoon world were shocked by the incident. Noted researcher and sportsman Wile E. Coyote was stunned at the casualty rate. "In my line of business, I've been blown up, run over, flattened, crushed, and dropped into the Grand Canyon more times than I've had hot dinners. Quite frankly, I'm stunned (Earl's note: see we told you), absolutely stunned that these little guys weren't more resilient. Maybe it's because they're Belgian?"

Woody Woodpecker thought it was a tragic misunderstanding, but still managed to get a lot of laughs out of the incident, before he was carted away in a straitjacket.

Johnny Quest expressed deep sympathy for the Smurfs. "I plan to have Race Bannon look into the incident, just as soon as he returns from a camping holiday with my dad, Dr. Quest," promised the intrepid young adventurer.

Sniffles the Mouse talked about the deep sociological impact this incident would have, concluding that, "If I was a Smurf, I wouldn't have messed with those Superfellas, cause they're plenty tough, and anyway, why are Smurfs blue when they're so happy all the time. I guess gettin' blown up will make you blue, I betcha, but..." Yada, yada, yada.

Finally, Donald Duck spoke eloquently and with great emotion about the Smurfs. However, we're still waiting for the translation of his remarks.

Update: Reuters has reported that the motive the Superfriends used to justify their attack on the Smurf village was based on forged documents. Apparently, Lois Lane received and promoted 1975 documents in the Daily Planet that linked the Smurfs with the KKK. The documents were later determined to have been created with digital technology not available in the old hand-drawn days. Lane immediately denied knowing anything about the forgeries, but said her source, a Mr. L. Luthor, was completely trustworthy.

The Daily Planet announced that Lane would be reassigned to the Daily Planet Weekend edition, covering amateur dramatics and Martha Stewart. However, her assistant Jimmy Olsen was dismissed immediately and has since signed a book contract with St. Martin Press.


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