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Friday, October 14, 2005

I don't remember ever reading that before...

As part of my ongoing efforts to improve my knowledge, make myself a better rounded person, and locate new and innovative things to make fun of on this blog, I have been reading a book about the history of Great Britain. I will not name the book however, because I've come across a few historical discrepancies in the text, many of which I have no doubt are the product of revisionism in historical research, or the proliferation of peyote among otherwise bored historians.

I've listed the relevant "facts" below, so you can see just what kind of wonky research these THC addled nutters are inventing these days:

  • William the Conqueror invaded England with only 12 men armed with soup spoons.
  • Lord Nelson fought the entire Battle of Trafalgar whilst seated in a bathtub.
  • Richard III was not only hunchbacked but had two noses and a third ear, situated on his bum.
  • Mary, Queen of Scots could run the 100 metres in under 11 seconds...in a gown.
  • Charles I was beheaded with toenail clippers.
  • Elizabeth I was not only NOT a virgin but also married Richard Burton twice.
  • The Globe Theatre had Sensurround.
  • Winston Churchill could telepathically communicate with dogs, and helped the Allies win WWII by staying in constant mental contact with Adolf Hitler's German Shepard Maurice.
  • Queen Anne was a man, baby! (That's a direct quote from the text.)
  • The nation of Wales used to be called Larry.
  • Henry V was only 3 feet tall when he fought at the Battle of Agincourt.
  • The Profumo scandal was not about sex at all, but happened because a ministerial clerk forgot to wipe his feet before coming into Whitehall.
  • Edward VIII did not abdicate the throne to marry Wallis Simpson, but instead was forced to quit because he was in fact a horse named Cecil.
  • Robert the Bruce could bend steel bars with his teeth.
  • Henry the VIII divorced Catherine of Aragon because she could drink him under the table.

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