You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Saturday, July 28, 2007


Earl is still on medical hiatus. Stew and Nuffy are still AWOL and I'm beginning to wonder if they weren't just figments of my imagination.

Actually this is Earl, but it's very uncomfortable to be typing this. Apparently, the codeine I'm taking is great for knocking out all the pain nerves in my system except for the ones activated by my sitting here typing this. I reckon it must be Windows-brand codeine.

Anyway, to keep you occupied until the grueling physical therapy starts on Tuesday, here are my favourite things about codeine.

  • The tingling sensation in my toes when it starts to kick in. It's like wet feathers, not that I've had the expereience, mind you.
  • Much, much less pain. I know...too practical for this list...but all too true.
  • Sleepytime
  • Great excuse to cover for whatever silly nonsense I write on the blog, as in, "Earl didn't know what he was typing when he suggested that Paula Abdul has a thing for centaurs. He was out of his mind on the codeine."
  • Great excuse to cover for jokes that bomb, such as "...Paula Abdul has a thing for centaurs."
  • Much easier to forget about disappointing Harry Potter finale. ("Jo Rowling didn't know what she was doing. She was out of her mind on the codeine." We all wish...)
  • Excuse to monopolise the telly. "Daddy feels bad and needs to watch the Fox Soccer Channel!" Actually that has nothing to do with the codeine.
  • Fox Soccer Channel even more interesting, since the codeine makes me think that Max Bretos has turned into a giant orange bat.
  • HBO original programming starting to make sense. Just, mind you. I'd need to be a heroin addict to get the full gist.
  • Regis Philbin's voice now accompanied by dramatic echo.

Of course there are the downsides as well

  • My skull feels like a wet noodle.
  • Regis Philbin's voice now accompanied by dramatic echo
  • Tendency to sway about whilst navigating the sitting room
  • Fever dreams about Thierry Henry transferring to Barcelona (as if that could happen).
  • Short term memory loss
  • Short term memory loss
  • Sudden cravings for pickled herring
  • Impossible to play guitar with all the neon butterflies in the room

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Earl's Malady, Part II

No, I'm not writing a second novel. Rather, I'm just chiming in to day that posting will be limited as my injury woes continue.

I went back to visit with the doctor yesterday, or I should say to clinic, given that we currently use one of those walk-in, revolving doctor medical offices. The advantage is no appointments are necessary. The disadvantage is that one day you'll get Dr. Kildare, the next Dr. Jekyll. I'm hoping Dr. Crippen doesn't turn up.

All right, it's not that bad, and in fact we've been rather pleased with the service. However, to give you an example of the ever-changing nature of it, the original doctor diagnosed me with muscle spasms in my back. Yesterday's contestant raised the ante and suggested a ruptured disc in my neck. When I asked him what the treatment was for that, his answer baffled me. He rephrased the answer with one word: "steel." For those of you who don't get it yet, the answer is, paraphrasing Michael Palin in the barbershop sketch, "Cutting, cutting, cutting!"

So, surgery is an option. The physician pointed out that if it is a burst disc, the surgery would be very effective, and I'd wake up pain-free. "What about the actual surgery pain?" I naively asked. "Oh, that's not too bad, " he blithely answered.

In the meantime, I've plenty of physical therapy to look forward too. That should be hilarious for everyone except me. I'll tell you all about it.

I'm also getting lots and lots of Codeine. Did I tell you I was getting lots and lots of Codeine. (Looks up at the ceiling and smiles vapidly)

If not for the constipation, I could see how someone might get hooked on the stuff.

In the meantime, please take the time to e-mail Stew and Nuffy and suggest that if Earl can post whilst in excruciating pain (feel free to exaggerate on that point) then they can pop in for a post or two each week. Tell them there could be some codeine in it for both of them...