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Monday, July 19, 2010

Crazy Diego

Argentina coach and legendary player* Diego Maradona out on quite a show during the 2010 World Cup. In the space of a couple of weeks he managed to:

  • Confuse people with constant changes between tracksuits and very, very expensive suits.
  • Mistake the Golden Boot winner (for the most goals) for a German ballboy.
  • Insist on press conferences at a single location in South Africa, regardless of where Argentina were playing.
  • Acted out Beethoven's Ode to Joy every time Argentina scored.
  • Acted out Wagner's Gotterdamerung every time Argentina got scored on.
  • Wear out over 70 sets of rosary beads.**
  • Get into a heated argument with German fans after losing to Germany in the quarterfinals.
  • Suggested that the reason so many star players failed to perform is that they weren't "selfish" enough ...you know, like he was when he played.
So what's next for Diego Maradrama? Some predictions:

  • Becomes the spokesperson for Armani's new $1,000 three-piece tracksuit.
  • Confuses Lionel Messi with Paul Simon and repeatedly asks the Barcelona forward to "play 'Kodachrome.'"
  • Grows his beard out and joins ZZ Top on a combination blues rock and football tour of Asia.
  • Becomes infuriated when he finds out that the Jonas Brothers won't be coming back to Argentina for a full three months.
  • Mistakes FIFA President Sepp Blatter for actress Betty White. Keeps asking Sepp what Mary Tyler Moore was like.
  • Pranked by Russell Brand into thinking he's being sought to coach the English national team.
  • Doesn't streak through Buenos Aires, since Argentina didn't win the World Cup, but he does moon a busload of River Plate supporters at a Buenos Aires Wal Mart.
  • Gets into an argument with Elmo the Muppet during a guest appearance on Sesame Street. Refers to Elmo as a "cheating German mafioso fuzzball."
  • Becomes addicted to Kelloggs Fruit Loops and takes to appearing in public with a toucan on his shoulder.
  • Accidentally knocks his friend Fidel out while taking free kicks with casaba melons.
  • Declares that Nickelodeon cartoon Go Diego Go is based on his professional stint at Napoli and that Baby Jaguar is based on his coke dealer.
  • Castigates actor Danny DeVito for "looking down on him."
  • Knocked out of first round of The Next Iron Chef when his receipe for cherries flambe turns out to be a flaming jersey he exchanged with another player after an international match with Spain.
  • Rehired to coach Argentina through the 2014 World Cup because, as the Argentina Football Association notes, you can't buy publicity like this.
* ...and cocaine fiend, pill-popper, hand-baller, etc.
** This is an estimation.

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