Movies you've probably never heard of

Stew, two can play at this game. I don't get to the regular cinema often though, so allow me to offer some capsule reviews of film off the beaten path, or reel as the case may be:

- Pee Wee's Desperate Comeback: Paul Reubens returns as everyone's favourite lewd and lascivious offender. In this installment, Pee Wee is so desperate to resume his acting career that he takes a role in a French exploitation film within the film entitled Emmanuelle Marries Tom Cruise. Pee Wee is assigned the plum role of Tom, whilst pluckly Scarlet Johannson plays Emmanuelle Holmes. The acting is downright naturalistic as Reubens bounces off couches with a ferociousity not seen since Oprah's sofa springs were rousted by the real thing. Unfortunately, the film takes a maudlin turn when Pee Wee dislocates his pelvis during one of he and Johannson's 37 sex scenes together. Coincidentally, Johannson's performance is that of a completely disinterested actress. She's dials it in, chatting about liverwurst and horse racing during most of the steamiest scenes, and literally sleeping through the rest. The film loses all credibility at the end when the real Tom Cruise descends in a flying saucer to impart the meaning of existence to Pee Wee ("Become a science-fiction novelist, and then make up a religion. Also, don't marry an Australian actress...and don't take ritalin, hell, no! That'll blow your head up!") and is promptly impaled on a louma crane by the hedonistic and cynical Pee Wee, while Scarlet snores in the background. D-

- Ingmar Bergman's Last Film For Sure: The famed Swedish Director comes back to make one final film, after his final, final films. He writes, produces, and provides directorial interference for this film (but didn't bother to spend much time on a title). His second cousin, once-removed Gunnar directs in a rather ham-fisted way, preferring to shoot all the scenes in slow-motion, black and white, through heavy filters, in murky lighting, and, in at least three scenes, upside-down. The plot is incomprehensible, as the film is in Swedish and I didn't bother reading the subtitles. There were many shots of people talking, arguing, staring pensively at mysterious landscapes and at least one shot of a naked ankle (It's Sweden, so it's too cold for much more than that). Mesmerizing, if you're Swedish and extremely bored. F

- Pheolon Orgon Zentrefuge, Destroyer of Worlds: The latest in a string of dazzling science-fiction films that make less sense than a one-wheeled tea trolley. Keira Knightley and Uma Thurman play twin warriors who must defeat a great galactic evil by bloodily lopping the heads off of hideous alien parasites, whilst wearing low-cut, skin-tight, leather spacesuits. The special effects are incredible, particularly the support systems on the leather specesuits. The most intense scenes are when Knightley fights a giant tentacle, armed only with her thighs and a bottle of baby oil. The acting is atrocious but the action is a feel good, flippant return to marginally entertaining flicks like Barbarella, Galaxina, and Spaceballs. Bill Murray appears uncredited as Trogula the Deranged. C-

- The Mechanic: Pauly Shore returns to films playing a con artist, ex-hippie, stoner who convinces NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon that he's an ace mechanic. Unforutnately, the audience is more resistant to Pauly's insistent con that he is in any way amusing, despite the hilarious car crashes and engine falling out of the vehicle and onto Jeff Gordon's toe gags. Also, Pauly accidentally bludgeons 14 people in the groin with a crescent spanner, including two women. The most amusing bit in the film is the appearance of the MPAA rating after the closing credits, if you haven't slit your wrists by then. F-

Stew's Slant on Cinema!

(low voice) Sorry, tonight I'm coming to you from the local movie theater where I've brought my cell phone to give you an on-the-scene review of When a Stanger Calls, the remake of the film of the same title from 1979. I made this recording to my home answering machine so I could transcribe it later.

SSSSHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Sorry, I'll keep it down. Anyway the movie is pretty boring to those who saw the original (BEEP) I've got another call (CLICK) Hello.

I know you're alone.

I'm actually sitting with a bunch of people...

Oh sorry, wrong number.

That was weird. Like I was saying after that first sequence is over it just becomes a slasher (BEEP), I'll be right back. (Click) Hello.

Have you checked the children.

What are you talking about, I'm sitting in a movie theater watching When a Stranger Calls.

Is this Jill Thompson?

No, Stew Miller.

(Click)

This is really starting to freak me out. (Beep) Yes, who are you? What do you want from me!?!?!?!?

Stew, this is your mom.

Oh, hi Mom, sorry some nut keeps calling me...

SSSSHHHHHH!!!!!!

Sorry, it's my mom. Anyhow, what do you want?

Honey, have you checked the children lately?

I'll check them when I get home Mom, thanks, now good-bye. Hmmm, that's odd she usually calls on Sunday nights when the rates are lower. (Beep) Hello.

Have you chec...

cked the children lately, I know, I know. That's it, I've had enough. The movie gets no stars from me, I hope your happy.

(MMS message) I wnt ur bld on me.

Oh great, now the freak is sending me instant messages.

(MMS message) Oh, grow up. This was scary in 1979. Next thing you'll tell me is that you're "inside" the theater.



(MMS message) I am .

beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep

SSSSHHHH... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Bum...Bum...Bum, Bum...etc.

And now for a DOUI Winter Olympics Update!

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- The women's 2-person bobsled was cancelled after an enraged Godzilla accidentally stamped on the track on his way over to the alpine events to get Bode Miller's autograph. No one was killed, but the Swiss #2 team's run did come to a sudden end when they ran into Godzilla's pinky toe.

- Figure skating took an ugly turn when US skater and tough guy Johnny Weir was beaten up by a 12 year old wheelchair-bound girl for referring to Michelle Kwan as a "has been." Weir suffered numerous contusions and lost teeth. Also, his foot was severly broken after being run over 47 times. Weir later told reporters that he was attacked by Italian teamsters, despite there being over 4000 photos of the incident, all which can be found on Yahoo!'s Olympic site.

- Tom Cruise was spotted at the Ice Hockey venue, jumping up and down on the USA team bench during their 3-3 tie with Latvia. Nobody knows why.

- In short-track speed skating everybody fell down repeatedly, to the great delight of the regular "long-track" speed skaters.

- In men's snowboarding, the biggest winner today was ESPN, for having convinced the International Olympic Committee that these X-Games knock off competitions are actual international sports. The medalists themselves, representing France, USA, and Finland, are all from Colorado.

- Curling took an exciting turn today as the Canadian captain received a very nasty splinter in his index finger. He bitterly complained to Curling Monthly that he never should have taken such an agressive sweeping posture with such an old broom. Canada did manage to win their match with Germany though, by a flippant doohickey to a stone's tweezle in the third test.

- Finally, ski-jumping! No news...just "ski-jumping!"

Oh, the inhumanity!!!

Apparently the fans of US Olympic skier Bode Miller are making his life a living hell. Miller says that they put "inhuman pressure" on him and that fame is a "poison".

Now, a novice like me has great deal of difficulty recognizing the fine line between massive publicity campaigns, making controversial statements to the press, the constant late nights, parties, television appearances, interviews with Yahoo!, etc. and the brutal, uncaring, cynical fans who, like vampires, are sucking the very life force from this noble, pure, occasionally blotto athlete.

Bad fans! Naughty, naughty fans! They should clearly be flogged with a ski pole.

Or maybe Bode is a dolt. Yes, that makes much more sense. Bode's a dolt.

He got what he went for and now, in the aftermath of his failure to live up to the hype, it's all our fault. Of course. We told him to change skis a few days before the race. It was Mrs. Miriam Chesterfield of Dubuque, Iowa in fact, the trollop. Mr. Robert P. Nicely of Augusta, Maine specifically told Bode to stay up until midnight the night before the Olympic downhill, the arrogant Lobster-state bastard. In addition, Mr. Juniper Q. Winchesterrifle insisted that Bode appear on NBC no fewer than 700 times in the last four weeks. He should be Zamboni'd within an inch of his life. No, better yet, tie him to ski-lift with barbed wire and set the lift to "Autobahn" speed.

If they put Bode on a box of Wheaties, that will cinch the fact that General Mills are a bunch of souless wheat cereal pushers, sapping the mojo from his precious bodily fluids to convert it to ethanol for their limos.

Stew's Crude Challenge Taken!!

Before pictures of Brokeback Mountain enter your filthy little minds, I was referring to the post below about renaming OPEC petroleum. Anyway, here are a few additional suggestions:

• Ayatollah pomade
• Liberty lube
• Black Gold, Tikrit Tea
• Uncle Sam's Finest 100% All-Natural Crude Having Nothing Whatsoever to Do with Iran
• Hummer Juice
• Arianna Huffington's Worst Nightmare
• Ripple
• Cheney Cocktail
• Ancient Chinese Secret
• Slip 'n Slide
• Skidmark of the Sea
• King Abdullah's Summer Home in Monaco
• Earl

Crude Humor!!!

Bakeries around Tehran have renamed Danish pastries "Roses of the Prophet Mohammed" after the latest uproar concerning the Iranians lack of humor and constraint... oh yeah, and concerning the cartoon flap. The renaming of food items seems to be the weapon of choice these days similar to the "French & Freedom Fries" War of 2003. I personally don't get how people can get so worked up they actually change the names of products but what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Instead of OPEC oil, let's come up with an alternative name.

• Water flotation solution
• New Jersey Juice
• Arabian Hair Tonic
• The ooze of a thousand camels
• Funky Cold Medina
• Saladin Sauce
• Hugo Chavez is a Slimy Snake (not an alternative name just an observation)
• Future Greenhouse Gases
• Petroleum (too familiar)
• Crankcase Marinade

If my DOUI mates want to get in on the renaming they can feel welcome. We shall fight ineffective fire with ineffective fire.

Willie goes Brokeback on us. I am de-pressed.

Luke here folks,

I'm sorry for cuttin' in here folks but I thought I'd come down and use Stew's blog to post a sad event in my life. Apparently, one of my musical icons has shifted in the saddle... well I ain't gonna split hairs, he's done gone side-saddle on me. Willie Nelson has recorded a gay cowboy ballad and it pains me to bring you the news. I think it must have been all those years of dodgin' the IRS finally made him go completely over the edge. I hate to go into the seedy details of this fancy caterwallin' but I got a copy of the song. Appears it's just a remake of the old standard My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys but with a tilt that I don't take kindly to. Here are the lyrics and this old cowboys gonna shed a tear in his beer tonight, not that I'm light in the Tony Lama's if you get my meaning.

My Heroes Have Always Been Gay Cowboys
by Willie Nelson & Way***(Leave my name out of this. WJ)

I grew up dreaming of being a gay cowboy
And loving the gay cowboy ways.

Pursuing the life of my high-talkin’ heroes
I burned up my childhood days.
I learned all the rules of the modern day drag queen
Dontcha hold on to nothing too long.
Just take what you need from the laddies and leave them
With the words of a sad country song.

CHORUS
My heroes have always been cowboys
The gay ones it seems.
Sadly in search of and one hand in back of
Themselves and their hip hugger jeans.

Gay Cowboys are sissies, with their own brand of misery
From being alone too long.
To die from the cold in the arms of a rider most fair
Knowing well that your best days are gone
And picking up ranch hands instead of my pen
I let the words of my youth fade away
Old worn out saddles, and old worn out paddles
With no one, and no place to stay.

CHORUS

The Winter Olympics just don't kick enough ass.

He's a man's man. He taunts the press and those who fear him with a smirk and a snide remark. He wears Bono shades and old CCCP-style sweats like he owns the look, and who'll tell him he doesn't. He's a 5 ft. 9 in., 138 lb loose cannon on skates and he's here to kick ass and ask questions later. He's Johnny Weir, America's next Brian Boitano... only a little tougher and with slightly more testosterone.

OK, I can't go on with this facade any longer, I'm afraid as much as they try to hype most men's figure skaters as anything more than the effeminate harlequins they are, I refuse to buy into it. Last night while passing the Olympics in route to Mail Call, a much more manly pursuit, I heard part of an interview with the egotistical Mr. Weir. It seems he is under the mistaken impression that there are people out there who "fear" him and what he might say or do next. I believe that we fear young mister Weir about as much as we fear the blight of limescale in our showers or that last hot dog in the package that we're not sure when we opened.

In pondering the Winter Games I have come to the conclusion that they need to be butched up a little bit to make them more man-friendly. While hockey, biathalon (Dick Cheney's favorite), and the luge are fine rugged events, many of the remainder lack the macho touch that would endear them to your Joe Sixpack. For your consideration, and those of future Winter Olympic committee members, I give you my ideas for three "improved" events that might bring the ratings up in the 20 - 60 mens demographic.

Multiple Angle Ski Jumping



Ski jumping can be thrilling but let's get more guys up there and have them flying over and under each other. Now, that's what I call an exciting, adrenaline rush. The degree of difficulty is enhanced by the addition of George W. Bush chasing them on a Segway.

Biathalon and Speed Skating Combined



Two great sports that taste great together; the taste of black powder that is. Speed skaters get a pretty easy time of it, but not with our crack shot biathaletes taking aim at them. The speed skaters do get to carry one handgun with them and as much body armor as they can use without losing speed. Notice how Ohno uses the Glock with precision on those tight corners.

Bobsled of Death



Duck boys, now it's OUR turn. 20 mm Vulcan cannons placed at strategic location along the route allow the home viewer to get into the action. For a small fee, you can guide the guns to their target using our easy internet interface. Let's see if they take those turns high now. With every 10 hits home viewers can win a Bobsled of Death 2006 t-shirt and a trip to visit your team in the hospital.

"It's in da hole!"

Consider this a late Valentine's Day, post...late mainly, because I wouldn't want to ruin your actual Valentine's Day with this rubbish.

One thing I have noticed though is an alarming trend toward the free use of certain expressions as euphemisms for sex. I'm sure you know what I mean: "Hide the bangers," "Raise the misen-mast," "Upload the application"...that sort of thing. As a film buff, I've observed that many of these expressions are coming right out of the cinema. Here are a few of the more common ones.

• Wax on, wax off - The Karate Kid
• We're gonna need a bigger boat. - Jaws
• Expecto Patronum!!!! (usually with obvious winking) - Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban
• It's in da hole! - Caddyshack
• Klaatu barada nikto (heavy emphasis on the "nikto" part) - The Day the Earth Stood Still
• I'm Batman - Batman
• Show me the money! - Jerry Maguire
• I'm melting! Melting! - The Wizard of Oz
• Excuse me while I whip this out - Blazing Saddles
• Candygram! - Blazing Saddles
• Much of the rest of Blazing Saddles, the bean-eating scene excluded
• Have you ever spent time in a Turkish Prison? - Airplane
• Stella!!! - A Streetcar Named Desire
• Pull ze String! Pull ze String!! - Glen or Glenda

What was #3? Inquiring Minds Want to Know?

I do hope Stew will tell us. In the meantime, send your guesses to:

What's Lukas Up To (No Pun Intended)
1969 Lucky Lane
Intercourse, PA 54321

A most felicitous Valentines to all

We would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day and hope that you and your loved ones enjoy it. May you have sweet dreams of Bode Miller's impending double gold (Update: Whoops apparently he missed a gate or some such skiing nonsense and may miss out on that), Michelle Kwan skating to a historic third medal (What!, she's out of the thing already), and short track speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno defending his... let's face it, the Olympics haven't been all they're cracked up to be. Maybe Valentine's Day and the hope of chocolate can raise our spirits. That, and I just got a e-mail from Lukas P. Short he wanted me to share.

Howdy to all my friends over at the Dictionary and I hope ya'll are enjoying this Valentines Day. Things have been busy around the ranch and I haven't had the time to write but with one of my favorite holidays here, I'd feel bad if I didn't catch you up. Feliciana my lovely bride of 35 years says howdy also and she's busy gussying up the place with hearts and all manner of Valentine's knickknacks. Since you boys over there are so fond of top ten lists I thought I'd send you my list of things to do before the big day.

Luke's Top 10 Valentine's Day To Do List

10. Re-schedule my lawyer huntin' trip with Dick Cheney. "Defibrillator" Dick's already bagged his limit this month and I've got to run down to the shop to get Feliciana a new turquoise studded g-string.

9. Drink two gallons of Tetley extra sweet tea so I can urinate the words Happy Valentines Day My Darlin' Feliciana into the newly fallen snow. Now, who said I ain't romantic.

8. Cancel my bet with Wayne Gretsky's wife on Bode Miller finishing with the double gold medal.


7. Take Feliciana to the Western Sizzlin' for all you can eat steak. It must be fate, Senior Night and Valentines Day falling on the same day.

6. Got to remember my little blue pill. (I do get bad indigestion at Western Sizzlin'. What did you think I meant?)

5. Fire up the Allison and get my generator hitched up. (Just thought that sounded suggestive.)

4. Finish reading Great Iranian Pick-up Lines, I'm on page 2 and have one page to go. Best one I've found so far: "Is your Dromedary camel a Bactrian, or is it just happy to see me?"

3. **********edited for publication**********

2. Hurry and sell off my PepsiCo stock and buy gold, and a little trinket for Feliciana. With Saddam Hussein on a hunger strike the drop in Doritos sales alone could take twenty points off.

1. Settle in for an evening of muscadine wine and season two of Deadwood. I don't wanna hear any "blue pill" jokes out there.

Bum...etc. A DOUI Bode Olympic Miller Update!

FLASH -- Bode Miller (no relation to Stew) has still not won an Olympic medal. He and NBC are still planning to give it their all in advance of tomorrow's Alpine combined. Bode has been training all day, and NBC plans to run a Bode Miller update every three seconds. During certain "popular" events the network feels it cannot pull away from, such as figure skating, ice hockey, and athlete interviews with Bob Costas, the network will run a scrolling Bode Miller update to keep the skier's legions of fans apprised of his every activity. NBC has graciously provided some test samples of this innovative hype, erm...marketing tool.

Haven't these people ever read the Book of Revelation?

CityWatcher.com implants two chips into the arms of employees. One of the persons having a chip implant was the chief executive of the company, Sean "Mephistopheles" Darks.

"I'm not going to ask somebody to do something I wouldn't do myself," Darks hissed, in-between belching flames and brimstone at the company's corporate headquarters in a particularly hellish part of Cinncinatti, Ohio.

It'll be foreheads and hands according to the Good Book next, and that's no joke. The real joke is that there'll be some executive on the Judgement Day complaining, "It seemed like such a good, practical idea. How was I to know it was the Sign of the Beast? Why didn't someone sent me a memo?!"

Well, technically, they did.

Bum...Bum... oh, skip it.

The Olympics are underway and my, oh my, is it exicting! I was going to post a full report last night but was too overcome by...what is the best word to describe it? Ah, yes... sleep.

I fell asleep at about 8:30 p.m. and other than getting up from the vast and comfortable leather chair in our living room (Note to Mrs. Fando: You were right about the chair, Love) and trekking to the bedroom, I woke not a second for the thrilling Torino Games or the dazzling commercials of their sponsors.

It's not the athletes' fault of course. They're doing what they love, zooming about on skis like duck hawks who've spotted a tasty rodent, twirling on skates like a gymnast caught in a top-load washing machine, running their luges like a motorcyclist through rush hour traffic on the Autobahn, and sweeping ahead of those giant curling stones for whatever peculiar reason they do that for. (I'm assuming it's not merely cleanliness.)

The problem is the usual one for those of us living in America: NBC.

Oh. NBC's done much better this year than in past, which is to say that the ratio of actual event coverage to "Up Close and Personal" style segments is now no longer 1 to 200. The main problem now is that the coverage of events is all delayed. For those of us who spend more than a few minutes on the Internet a day, who wants to sit around watching Olympic downhill coverage when everyone on the face of the Earth has known who's won it for over twleve hours? It's bad enough I have to disengage from the Internet for six to eight hours on Saturday just to watch my beloved Arsenal play a match tape-delayed and not know the outcome already, but staying free and clear of the Internet so as not to spoil the results in the 1,500m short track, or the K90 ski-jumping? What's the point? You're talking to a bloke who skipped much of the tape-delayed Opening Ceremonies to catch the U.S. vs. Japan footie match live on Friday evening. (Good result as the U.S. win 3-2.)

The funniest thing is where they show an event's conclusion, cut right to the medals ceremony (after a lengthy commercial break during which they apparently presume we assume everyone's gotten cleaned up and rushed over to the medal's stand), and then right to the studio, where they interview the athlete as though they'd just won the thing. You can see the look in Bob Costas' eyes: "Just play along, as if you've not had a good night's sleep between now and then!"

So, for those of you who are as thoroughly baffled and bored by NBC's delayed coverage, I plan to offer some alternative coverage of my own, just to spice things up. The only disadvantage is that it won't be entirely accurate, but it will be completely unpredictable in that you won't read about it anywhere but here. So here's the first installment of the DOUI Winter Olympics Update!

**********

(Cue John Williams' Olympic Fanfare, as played on harmonica)

- The U.S. Women's Ice Hockey team demolished their Iranian counterparts 27 - 0. The Iranians did rather well considering they had to skate in full hajib and burka over all those hockey pads. The most difficult obstacles they had to face were the lack of players with significant skating experience (one), and the fact that the International Hockey Federation assigned a male referee to the match, meaning that not only could they not speak to him, they had to keep a full 30 feet from him unless their husbands were present on the ice as well.

- Brtish Ski-Jumping suffered their biggest setback since the days of Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards, when lone competitor Trevor "The Tankard" Troughton set a new world low of "nought" on the 90m hill, as he passed out after several pints in the Olympic Village and was only revived by the sounds of the Norweigan national anthem being played at the medal ceremony.

-The U.S. faced a similar problem in the ski-jumping when they mixed up their team members accidentally and sent their ski-jumpers to the freestyle events and vice versa. The results? In ski-jumping, the U.S. had horrible distance, but made up a little ground on style points from all the backflips and mid-air turns. The freestyle skiing team suffered horribly though, receiving extremely low marks for all the "lame, straight-backed, lean-forward stunts" they tried. Not only that, but the distance they gained on these jumps kept putting them at the bottom of the hill, occasionally in the middle of the crowd. Final tally: No medals, four broken skis, and one very irate German woman named Helga.

-Finally, the Syrian biathlon team were sent home after getting confused by the rules of the sport and attempting to shoot their fellow competitors. "We thought the idea was to slow them down so we could catch up." Fortunately, no one was killed, as the Syrians all pulled "Cheneys" and only winged a few of the slower, older skiers.

Winged 'im!!!

U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter during an outing Saturday. The victim, a Texas lawyer, is stable in an intensive care unit of a hospital in Corpus Christi. Other reports coming in though are far less reliable:

• The Vice President issued an apologetic press release, saying, "When you've been in an undisclosed location for as long as I have, you tend to startle easy when someone suddenly walks up behind you."
• Osama Bin Laden surrenders to Pakistani forces. "I'll do anything," he cried, "just keep that madman Cheney and his killer shotgun barrels away from me!"
• The White House issued a press release."The Vice President seemed really happy until he realized it wasn't George Soros he'd shot ."
• Another member of the hunting party commented, "Harry was coming through the brush and shouted, 'Hey, Dick!' Vice President Cheney apparently forgot his name for a moment and thought he was being insulted."
• In-between scarfing bags of Doritos and plotting mayhem in his next court session, Ex-Iraqi Dictator Saddam Hussein ridiculed the Vice President, saying, "When I go hunting with friends and accidentally shoot one of them, they never survive!!"
• "Oh, how I've longed to hunt that most elusive of animals, man!" exclaimed the Vice President with a playful snarl in Vanity Fair.
• A local resident, Bubba Smithereens explained, "That thar lawyer was pretty lucky. I've seen ol' Vice President Cheney take the head clean offa fellow hunter in past days. Good thing for him he was only usin' buckshot and not his usual first choice... a bazooka."
• "When you gonna learn to get your head down, Harry!" Harry Whittington's account of the Vice President's first words to him after the incident.
• "Another victim of this insane war in Iraq!" DNC Chair Howard Dean, shortly before receiving news that the event had nothing to do with Iraq...and a large sedative.
• N.Y. Times headline: "Cheney Shoots Fellow Hunter"
• N.Y. Post headline: "Cheney Bags Lawyer for Trophy"
• Weekly World News Headline: "Cheney Hunts People...Develops Taste for Human Flesh"