You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Jack Reacher - Emphasis on "Reacher"

So, Tom Cruise has a new film out. (Cue Loop of Tom bouncing up and down on Oprah's couch in slow motion)

No, seriously, he has a new film. It's called Jack Reacher and is about a physically imposing, ex-Army detective who's six-foot-five and around 250 lbs.

No, seriously, they cast five-foot-seven Tom Cruise in the role.  Needless to say, there were initially some problems during  the shoot:


(Tom Cruise is standing inside a darkened storage room with co-star Rosamund Pike. There are several shelves and odds and ends, all cloistered in the shadows.)

Cruise/Reacher: I can't see a damn thing in here.

Pike/Helen Rodin: There's an overhead light, just above your head.

(Cruise reaches up to turn on the light, but his hand is at least two feet short of the chain. He jumps up to try to grab the chain but misses by about a foot.)

Cruise/Reacher: Hang on. (Jumps and misses) Just a second. (Jumps and misses)

Director (from offscreen): Cut! Let's just do the lighting and start from there.

Cruise/Reacher: No way, man! (Jumping and missing again) I got this!!


(Tom Cruise is standing in a garage, in front of several men whom he has beaten badly. As they lay on the ground nursing their wounds, he walks to the garage entrance. He turns around to face the men.)

Cruise/Reacher: I guess I'll leave you gentlemen parked in here.

(He reaches up to pull down the garage door, but it is a full 18 inches from his grasp. He jumps up to grab it and barely misses, his fingers just brushing the bottom of the door.)

Cruise/Reacher: Just a second. (Jumps and misses) (To director) You're going to love... (jumps and misses) the subtle scowl... (jumps and misses) I'm going to throw... (jumps and misses by six inches) these guys when... (jumps and misses badly) I pull... (barely jumps, breathing heavily now) this door... (bends over panting, his hands on his knees) (Offscreen) Can... Can I get a Perrier?


(Cruise and Pike are standing in a military gym, on a basketball court)

Pike/Helen Rodin: So, I imagine you're quite a basketball player.

Cruise/Reacher: I'm not bad.

(Shot of the basketball rim. Cruise runs by with the ball, attempting a dunk. He misses by several feet, throwing the ball under the backboard and off the wall of the gym, behind the basket.)

Cruise/Reacher: I got this!!!