It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Nickle and Diming...Page by Page

Amazon.com has announced that they will soon be selling access to certain books by the page.

Being curious as to how this would work, I thought I'd investigate. I was able to procure the following sample price list:

  • Jaws - Peter Benchley - Page 179 (Fish jumps on boat) - $0.05
  • Cat in the Hat - Dr. Seuss - Page 7 (Fish falls out of bowl) - $0.20
  • War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy - Page 812 (The Czar speaks) - $0.75
  • A Good Walk Spoiled - John Feinstein - Page 89 (Tiger throws a club) - $1.25
  • Collected Works - William Shakespeare - Page 198 (Hamlet - To be or not to be...) - $1.45
  • Napalm and Silly Putty - George Carlin - Page 45 ($%#@&*!!) - $15
  • Encyclopedia Americana - Various - Volume S - Page 217 (Sex, Sexuality) - $25
  • Tropic of Cancer - Henry Miller - Page 169 (A romp in the sack) - $74
  • My Life - Bill Clinton - Page 872 (Description of physical relationship with Monica Lewinsky) - $217
  • My Life - Pauly Shore - Page 12-first paragraph (Description of all physical relationships with women) - .001 pesos

Thursday, November 03, 2005

They're silk and very comfortable...So how's the flooding situation?

A U.S. House of Representatives committee has just released some e-mails sent to and from former FEMA Director Michael Brown during the Hurricane Katrina crisis, that are turning heads and making people cough. Some excerpts below:

**********
Aug. 29 - 7:19 a.m.
To: Dan Brown [disasterdan@fema.gov]
From: Cindy Taylor [cindybrady@fema.gov]

Dan,

Saw you on the Today show this morning. My eyes must certainly be deceiving me. You look fabulous — and I'm not talking the makeup, except maybe the mascara. Was that a flare gun in your pocket, or were you just happy to see Katie?

Also, the shirt was fabulous, resplendent even. You make disaster look good. I'm actually salivating. Can I rip it off the next time I see you?

Breathlessly,

Cindy

**********
Aug 29 - 7:52 a.m.
To: Cindy Taylor [cindybrady@fema.gov]
From: Dan Brown [disasterdan@fema.gov]

Cindy,

I got it at Nordsstroms ... Are you proud of me? Can I quit now? Can I go home? Can I run naked through the howling wind? Can Doves Cry? Can Conway Twitty? Can I wear your underwear? I soiled mine while taking questions on the Today Show.

Cordially,

Dan

**********
Aug. 30 - 10:52 p.m.
To: Tillie James [tilliethesoil@fema.gov]
From: Dan Brown [disasterdan@fema.gov]

Tillie,

Do you know of anyone who dog-sits? I have a really big Great Dane that my aunt gave me and I can't get any work done on this Katrina thing with him here in the office. He keeps chewing up the relief authorization vouchers, and even if I can get them from him before he tears them up, they're so covered with slobber that they're useless and I have to start all over again.

We're behind on stuff, and the President's angry, and it's all this damn dog's fault.

He chewed up my Blackberry too!

Yours,

Danny Boy (Strangely enough that's also the name of the Great Dane.)

**********
Aug. 31 - 11:57 a.m.
To: Dan Brown, Director FEMA [disasterdan@fema.gov]
From: Marty Bahamonde [mbahamon@fema.gov]

Director Brown,

Sir, I know that you know the situation is past critical here in New Orleans. Katrina did severe damage, the levees have been breached and many will die.

Please contact me so that we can better coordinate our resources on the ground here and throughout the Southeast.

Sincerely,

Marty Bahamonde

**********
Aug 31 - 4:00 p.m.
To: Marty Bahamonde [mbahamon@fema.gov]
From: Dan Brown [disasterdan@fema.gov]

Dear Marty,

Wet enough for you!?

I'm just kidding - trying to lighten the mood. I realize things are tough down there, but I want everyone to keep a positive face on in the midst of this major bummer. Thanks for the update. Anything specific I need to do or tweak?

Also, let me know if you need some good shirts. I got some from Nordsstrom's and they are driving the chicks in the office wild.

Respectfully,

Dannyfofannybobannyfeefifandanny

**********
Sept. 2 - 8:37 a.m.
To: Betty G. [crochetvixen27@hotmail.com]
From: Dan Brown [disasterdan@fema.gov]

Dear Betty,

Last hurrah was supposed to have been Labor Day. I'm trapped now, please rescue me. Anderson Cooper has privately challenged me to a barfight. Larry King called me a "snivelling bastard" during the commercial break the other night. Tony Snow not only wouldn't shake my hand, but actually slapped me in front of Brit Hume. (Brit shook my hand but only in a near successful attempt to crush it with his steel-vise like grip!) Little children spit on me. Dogs howl and run away (even Danny Boy, now.) Oprah will take that snake Ray Nagin's calls but she just hands the phone to Steadman whenever I ring her up.

Help me Obi-Wan. You're my only hope.

Cheerfully Yours,

Dan

Ummmm...OK, I suppose that's news...

Kevin Federline has at long last produced his debut rap album, a clip of which has surfaced on the Internet.

Kevin Federline? Kevin Federline... Hmmmm. Nope, sorry. No idea. I'll have a guess.

Is he the bloke who invented Cheez Whiz?

No, no, wait...the starting strong safety for the Detroit Lions, right?

Fullback for West Bromwich Albion?
The night chef at the local Sonic?
Ambassador to EuroDisney?
First man to pluck a chicken in space?
Tallest man in Aran?
World's Slinky champion?
Winner of the Tour D'Monaco?
Flight Attendant on Pinchpenny Airlines?
Village People replacement singer?
One of Madonna's many dancers of indeterminate sexuality?
Skink Wrangler?
Stilt Walker for Joe and Fred's Two Ring Circus and Carny Geek Show?
That bloke who hides under the overpass and lives on Jim Beam and rainwater?
Inventor of the Aussie Rules Football goal signal?

I give up (reads article).

Ah...Brittney Spears husband. Why didn't they simply call him by his common name: Mr. Brittney Spears?

As for his album, here's a sample lyric:

"Back then, they called me K-Fed, but you can call me Daddy instead"

If I were him, I'd see if the bloke under the overpass needs a protege.

One of the "songs" on his album is called "Y'all Aint Ready."

Kevin... we'll never be ready.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Early Stars

NASA has located some astronomical hints of early stars, based on radiation recovered by researchers at the Goddard Space Flight Centre.

The most popular theory about these early stars is that they are little known because they existed before the invention of the press agent.

Update: I've been informed that "the stars in question are not those kinds of stars, you idiot."
Thanks for that information, Mum.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

That's Sasquatch to you Bub!

I just received the following singing telegram from a Mr. B. Sasquatch, 31 Evergreen Ln., Yukon Territory, Canada. I guess he didn't have e-mail access up there.

Since it was a singing telegram and my shorthand is about as efficient as my Korean, which is to say nonexistent, I'm not sure I'll be able to remember it word for word. this is my best shot below.

I wasn't quite able to place the tune but I believe it was either "Clang, Clang, Clang Went the Trolley", "Volare'", or possible Ashley Simpson's "You Make Me want to [Grunt]". I'm sticking with the last one, given that this is Bigfoot we're talking about, after all.

**********

"Dear people at the DOUI
I want to correct the Weekly World News lies
I do not drive for NASCAR on the weekend.
The helmets hurt my head and give me split ends.
Instead, because I'm a primitive old ape-like fuddy-duddy,
I drive a Hummer in the woods with all of my old buddies.
The Abominable Snowman brings the Moosehead.
Nessie's too slimy for the front so she camps in the rear instead.
Chewbacca's a movie star, so he gets to ride shotgun.
But then he bores us with stories of his affair with Carrie Fisher, of the hair buns.
So we dump him on the road, and run him over with the Hummer.
They'll find his lanky, hairy carcass in the summer.
As for you and the Weekly World News, I recommend you get your story straight
Or I'll have you all for breakfast with my usual V8.

Threateningly,
B. Sasquatch, Major, Royal Mounted Police

P.S. Congratulations to my old friend Zimpter on the birth of his first child!"

I would just like to take a moment to point out that this is all Stew's fault.

Zimpter's Magical Fatherhood

I would just like to chime in here, to apologize for the panic that Stew has caused by publicly revelaing that Zimpter Fiforg is able to reproduce. This was a state secret, due to the widespread public fear that the world would soon be overrun by little Zimpters, who would take over the planet and institute all Survivior! programming on television and make the national currency of every single nation on earth the Zimp, which is currently faring at 0.12 cents per Zimp against the dollar in Aruba.

I would like to assure you that Stew is being severly punished for this slip. In fact, the CIA is on it even now and Valerie Plame is personally beating him in the next room with a sledgehammer. Joe Wilson is watching, but, we suspect, only because he likes that sort of thing, being a former civil servant.

Anyway, many congratulations to Zimpter, Mrs. Fiforg, and the littlest Fiforg, whose name is also a state secret. I can only verify that it is not "Arcturus", "Willy", "Sasquatch", or "Frenchie". I have also been given permission to verify that he is a staggeringly handsome child, with the strength of ten infants, or "infinks" as Popeye would say (Though why that is of importance here, I cannot divulge.) Beyond that information and they send Plame to my office with a blowtorch and a large Roto-Rooter snake.

I have no desire to see what she'd think of with that combination.

Update: Blast, I wasn't supposed to let you know that Roto-Rooter was a front for the CIA. I'm bound to get "rootered" now.

In honor of Zimpter's first child!!!!!!

Yes it's true, our little Zimpter is now the father of a baby boy. I should let Earl break the news but I'm doing it because I just added a link in my last post to the Weekly World News. The WWN has been a source of much laughter for our little group in years past and I recommend that you go there occasionally to have a little chuckle. The reason it got me today is the picture of a Yeti driving a car in a supposed auto race as reported on by the crack staff at the WWN. Congratulations Zimpter and spouse (and the little nipper)!!!!!!!



Update: Now I've read the article accompanying the picture and have a little snippet that shows why I love the WWN so much.

Local resident and racing buff Mary Frances Huntington, 96, of nearby Amenia, N.Y., was stunned and amazed at the turn of events on a recent sunny spring day. "It was like nothing I've ever seen, and I've been watching these races since Joe Kennedy and his bootleggers used to stop by in the '20s!"

This is funny on so many levels. I love the way they make the lady 96 and a racing buff talking about Joe Kennedy and his bootleggers. Pure insanity!!!!!!!!

Monday, October 31, 2005

Is it Ito or Alito...or Al Ito!!!

At first I had corrected Earl, who I thought had jumped the gun with the Judge Ito prediction. News reports were pouring in that the nominee was in fact Judge Samuel Alito. However, I did a little research on a hunch, digging through court filings, medical records, and lottery receipts and found out that Judge Alito was in fact Judge Al Ito. It seems that maligned jurist Lance Ito had decided after the OJ verdict to hide his identity. A series of cosmetic surgeries changed his facial structure and nationality (oddly enough) and he ended up as Al Ito which he combined in the late nineties to its current form: Alito. Here are the pictures that I am sending to the Weekly World News for publication tomorrow.









So Earl, you get at least half credit for your prediction. Let's just hope that the Senate Judiciary Committee doesn't see THIS guy anytime soon.





I Was Right!!! I Was Right!!!

They did pick Judge Ito!!! Judge Ito is going to be the next Supreme Court Justice of the United States!

I wonder if I can parley this into a legal commentary gig on Fox or CNN?

Update: Stew called and pointed out that it's actually Judge Alito. So close.

Great Halloween Pranks for Young and Old

Well, it's Halloween again and that means that children and even adults everywhere in The U.S. of A. are preparing to dress up in spooky costumes and take to the streets in order to throw eggs at as many houses as possible. Yes, the stench of rotten eggs will be all over suburbia tomorrow morning.

However, this tired, stale, and pungent ritual need not be the extent of your Halloween festivities. There are other, more original pranks you can stage on this most ghoulish of holidays. The following are some of my favorites, from my upcoming book Earl Fando's 1001 Halloween Pranks that Any Idiot Would Love. Now if only Doubleday will return my calls.

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Earl Fando's 1001 Halloween Pranks that Any Idiot Would Love
(Excerpts)

Herbie Goes Househopping - Items needed: 1 VW replica of Herbie, the Love Bug, 1 long haired red female wig, (Variation: 1 Dean Jones mask) 1 large catapult, 1 can mace.

Simply put on the wig and do your best Lindsay Lohan impersonation. Then hop into the VW, drive onto the catapult, and away you go! Won't your neighbors be thrilled to see Herbie soaring onto their roofs and into their attics. Use the mace to make your escape and then watch the entertainment papers the next day for news of Lindsay's latest romp!

Sulu's Big Fake Out - Items needed: 1 Star Trek, the Original Series Command Uniform, 1 black wig with grey streaks, 1 attractive woman willing to snog with you for protracted periods of time.

Pull a fast one on neighbors with this satirical gag. Simply put on the uniform and wig, and then take a seat on a local park bench with your lovely partner and wait for people to pass by. Then commence the make-out sessions, occasionally coming up for air to proclaim that you used to play Lt. Sulu in Star Trek. Heads will turn, I tell you. Bonus points for responding to every comment of "Didn't he just come out?" with "Loading photon torpedos, Captain!" and carrying your lovely partner off into the nearest wooded area.

Osama on a Stick - Items needed: One Osama Bin Laden mask, several small pumpkins, one long and sturdy pole.

Take the Osama mask and put it on one of the pumpkins. Then carve a hole in the bottom of the pumpkin and insert one end of the pole. The next step is a bit risky, but potentially spectacular. Simply go up to windows and hold the pole up to create the illusion that Osama is peeking in someone's window. Be sure and choose homes with NRA stickers on them. That way you get the thrilling response of gunfire and shouts of "I got him Maude! I blew his head clean up!!" Then replace pumpkin and repeat at the next house. Works especially well in rural neighborhoods, but be sure to keep your head down. The feel good prank of the year.

Who Wants to Be a Supreme Court Justice? - Items needed: 1 President George W. Bush mask, 1 judge's robe. Dick Cheney.

Put on the mask and go door to door with the brooding but charming Vice President. Whenever someone answers, tell them you and Cheney are out vetting potential justices, just in case the latest nominee doesn't work out. Have Cheney hold up the robe in front of them "to see how it looks." Bonus points if you can get someone to put the robe on and recite the Ninth Amendment verbatim.

Win the War of the Worlds - Items needed: 1 Martian costume with exploding cranium (not Marvin the Martian from Warner Bros.), 1 jar of sauerkraut, 1 bottle of green salsa, 1 death ray.

Mix the sauerkraut and salsa. Insert the mixture in the hollowed out cranium of the costume. Put on the costume and then go door to door. When someone answers, tell them that you are taking over the world and demand "all the women in the house." When they talk to you to respond, scream, "That voice! No!!!" and hold your fake cranium. Explode the contents of the cranium ala Tim Burton's Mars Attacks into the face of your victim. Run like hell.

Alternate version: If Slim Whitman answers the door, use the death ray. After all, it's him or you, and you don't want your real brain to explode.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Come on Down!!! You're the Next Justice of the United States Supreme Court

Well, now that Harriet "Earl Anthony" Miers is no longer a candidate for the United States Supreme Court, eager Washington press monkeys are awaiting the next person to be smeared with raw meat and gristle, and thrown into the lions cage ... ahem, I mean sent to the Senate for bipartisan questioning.

Many names have come up: Luttig, Alito, Owen, Brown, Mahoney. All of these would be very meaningful if I had a law degree and extensive free time to query Lexus-Nexus for their legal writings, case experience, and percentage of 7-10 split pickups. As I'm into neither the legal world or bowling I couldn't tell any of these people from Karl Malden, except to know that they would be the ones who didn't appear in The Streets of San Francisco.

So I have to go on the well-honed instincts of a comedy blog writer, which means picking people solely on the basis of how funny it would be to hear their names and the words "Supreme Court Justice" next to them. This leads to obvious choices such as "Supreme Court Justice David Lee Roth", and "Supreme Court Justice Moon Unit Zappa". The alternate strategy is to imagine someone who would look extremely funny in long, black robes and wielding a gavel. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "Supreme Court Justice CarrotTop."

In any case, I've conducted this exercise before here, and you can see that I was not only wrong, but that one of my suggestions, Bob Denver, passed away right around the same time as Renquist, which would have accounted for one of the shortest terms ever, had he been selected.

I was also ignored, but will still make myself available if called. I promise that if nominated for the Court, that at my confirmation hearings I will continually refer to each of the gathered Senators as "Senator Weasel", except for Dianne Feinstein, to whom I shall refer to as "Senator Silky Drawers."

Barring that though, here is my latest list, sure to create immense controversy among legal experts who accidentally stumble across this blog trolling for pictures of Cameron Diaz in a minirobe and take the whole thing seriously. (I should add that yes, the mere mention of Cameron Diaz drives up the hits on this blog, which is why I chose her rather than Kirsten Dunst or Nicole Kidman.)

**********

Earl Fando's Top Predictions for the Next U. S. Supreme Court Justice

Judge Ito - Remember the befuddled jurist from the O.J. Simpson trial? Neither do 80% of Americans, most of whom have engaged in at least one bout of binge drinking since then. Ito has significant legal experience, a dashing beard that gives him "gravitas" (Latin for "heavier-looking") and can bring his own judge's robe to the court, saving the U. S. Government a cool twenty bucks that it can put towards building even more useless bridges to isolated Alaskan islands. My top pick. Ito is Neato!

Dick Cheney - This pick would be deviously brilliant. It would clear the Vice Presidency for Condeleezza Rice, so she could make a run at the White House in 2008, and Democrats would likely go along with it on the grounds that Cheney's flimsy pacemaker is all that stands between him and a Democratic appointee in 2009, should they win.

What they don't know is that the Vice President has been secretly implanted with a titanium heart that will last a thousand years, meaning that, not only will he outlive youthful Senator Barrack Obama, but also his great-great-great-great grandchildren and their cyborg servants as well.

It helps if Cheney is leading the search committee for the next Justice. He does have a tendency to get himself into jobs that way.

Ozzie Guillen - Let's face it. President Bush is a baseball fan. Despite Guillen's Venezualan citizenship and some mild chumminess with Hugo "Fidelito" Chavez, the President will reason that any man capable of leading the Chicago White Sox to a four-game sweep of the World Series can lead the Supreme Court to a resounding victory. I'm not sure what victory that would be, but aside from that it's the most reasonable of my picks.

William Shatner - Captain Kirk on the Supreme Court? It could happen if Shatner's Emmy for Boston Legal translates into some insane notion that his role actually counts as significant legal experience. Just don't tell him how to read the decisions.

The deal gets clinched though if he wears the old gold-yellow Starfleet uniform while the Court is in session. Also, I'm told he knows a lot about law enforcement from his T.J. Hooker days. That shows you how much I know. I thought T.J. Hooker was a show about a prostitute.

Paris Hilton or Nicole Ritchie - Speaking of prostitutes...just kidding ladies! You're both charming and lovely and definitely not harlots. After all, you both work for Fox for heaven's sake!!!

Actually, what I was going to say was that the White House is clearly looking for a woman to succeed Sandra Day O'Connor, and most observers say a younger candidate would be able to stay on the Court longer and have more influence. The catch will be that these two will have to fight for it! (Somewhere, Conan O'Brien has just stumbled across this blog, read this passage, and reflexively makes the following involutary sound: RRRrooooowwwwwwwwllllll.)

This battle should keep the Judiciary Committee tied up for months, primarily overriding Feinstein's attempts to finish the catfight, I mean hearings, and move on. Bonus: Sponsored by Hardees! Each nominee will be required to carry a Monster Burger at all times.

Pele - The greatest footballer to every play, Pele would instantly help Bush sew up the support of Brazilian-American immigrants in America.

All right, it's a long shot, but who doesn't want to see the first Monday in October livened up with a little ball juggling and samba? Plus at the hearings, he'll drill Charlie Schumer and Orrin Hatch with a bicycle kick shots.

Bono - First he was suggested to head up the World Bank, then he was nominated for a Nobel Prize. Finally, someone will realize that Bono can bring a tremendous amount of serious volume to the High Court. He'll give the Court some "Elevation" and do it "In the Name of Love". President Bush, still haven't found what you're looking for? Then pick the Irish rocker who'll give the Supremes sartorial splendour by showing up in a leather judge's robe. Top that Souter!

David Letterman- Three words: "Stupid Pet Tricks". No court should be without them, much less the highest Court in all of the U.S. of A. Plus, that chick who throws off the sparks might show up, and wouldn't that be pretty cool. The bonus for this pick is that every session of the High Court is accompanied by the terrific sound of Paul Shaffer and the World's Most Dangerous Band. If Dave is appointed, my first prediction is that he throws out all highway speeding laws as unconstitutional.

Cher - "United States Supreme Court Justice Cher." Say it out loud. It makes me titter.

King Kong - This final choice is the perfect way to reach out to the animal rights crowd, and crack down on Senators giving the nominee a hard time:

Announcer: This is an NPR Radio Update. A key exchange in the U.S. Supreme Court confirmation hearings for Mr. K. Kong occurred in the Senate this morning.

Senator Biden: Mr. Kong, is it true that you once kidnapped a young blonde woman, carried her off into the jungle, and then, after she was rescued, stalked her all the way back to New York City, kidnapped her again and then carried her all the way to the top of the Empire State Building? Is this really the kind of behavior we want from a Justice of the United States Supreme Court? What do have to say for yourself?

Announcer: It was at this point that Senator Biden was eaten by Mr. Kong. Senators, shocked and upset by this incredible turn of events, responded immediately by rushing the nomination to the full Senate floor, where Mr. Kong was confirmed 99-0, with one Senator "abstaining due to being eaten by giant ape." This is NPR.