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Friday, July 01, 2005

Replacing Sandra Day O'Connor

Sandra Day O'Connor has announced her intention to retire from the Supreme Court of the United States of America. The retirement will commence upon the nomination and approval of her successor, which means that given the current political climate in Wahsington (described by one commentator as "marginally worse than the Guiliani divorce") and filibusters of judges, she can officially step down in the year 2032.

Currently there are several names that have been mentioned as a replacement. Our favorites from this ever growing list:

  • Bob Dole - So lawyers arguing the case can hear phrases like, "Bob Dole wants to know what you think about the consequences of your position on due process, etc..." and "Easy, big fella" everytime Renquist gavels the court out of session.
  • Pete Rose - We're certain he'll start every session with a head first slide into the chambers. Plus, he'll introduce a new and exciting feature to Court battles: Wagering.
  • Bob Saget - While he won't bring much legal expertise to the Court, he will keep lawyers off guard with his array of lame one-liners and single-entendres. Bonus: The Olsen twins as clerks.
  • Judge Judy - A wealth of experience and know-how. Plus she'll keep both Bader-Ginsburg and Scalia in line during the more intense cases.
  • Mr. T - Just imagine it: "I pity the fool who doesn't understand the 'Takings Clause'". Plus, as Robert Smigel could attest, the man needs work.
  • Oscar the Grouch - A puppet for Supreme Court Justice? He has the right temperament and doesn't smell much worse than the current lineup.
  • Kelly Ripa - If she can handle Regis, she can handle Renquist. Plus, she instantly wins the title of "Perkiest Justice". Doesn't anyone else warm to the phrase "Justice Kelly"?
  • Bob Denver - Provided he wears the "Gilligan" hat and refers to the Chief Justice as "Skipper".
  • Earl Fando - I promise to interpret the Constitution in a way that guarantees me free airfare to any destination in the world. After about a week on the Court, I'll need it.


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