If you're not Donald Trump, check out our archives below. If you are Donald Trump, fix your hair before you do that. Please.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Douglas Adams is rolling over...

...in his grave. He must be, given the state of the first cinematic adaptation of his legendary trilogy (in five books) The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Zaphod Beeblebrox has only one head. One bleedin' head!!! It's an outrage! Everyone who's so much as glanced at the books knows that Zaphod had the second head installed before the events occuring at the start of the book. The BBC, in their excellent attempt to translate the books to television, even got that detail right, even if the second head was a pathetic electronic model (Adams of course wrote it.) With today's CGI, don't tell me they couldn't find a way to get Zaphod's second head in. If Peter Jackson can have a completely computer-animated Gollum skulking about in J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, Zaphod Beeblebrox should be able to keep his second bloody head (you stupid gits)!!!

They are generously giving Douglas Adams a posthumous Executive Producer credit. Douglas, of course, wrote the original script (which was then re-written by someone and finally "polished" by current director Garth Jennings, who's fine credentials allowing him to be chosen for this important project are two music videos and designing titles for The Ali G Show. Apparently he polished the screenplay with a hatchet. ("Hmmm...two heads? I don't know how I'll be able to get that in widescreen. One'll have to come off!") Maybe he'll stick to form and the movie will only be 3 and a half minutes long.

Jerry Bruckheimer is behind this...I'm sure of it. Rant concluded.

Update: No, it's Disney. Apparently they've eliminated the second head so it won't frighten little children when Zaphod appears at California Adventure and Disneyland. Next up for them, a remake of Treasure Island where Long John Silver's peg leg has been changed to a mild limp. After that it's a remake of The Miracle Worker, only instead of being blind and deaf, Helen Keller is only farsighted and sensitive to loud noises.

Update #2: Stew informs me that Zaphod's second head will actually appear in the film, in short bits via some special effects. Apparently the second head vanishes back into Zaphod's body for long stretches of the film. My response: Obviously this strategy was chosen because the filmmakers are cheap, unimaginative hacks, too stingy to pay for a computer generated second head for the length of the film, and unable to figure out a way to frame and write dialogue for the second head (Hint to the filmmakers: Douglas Adams has already worked that problem out for you.) Zaphod's second head did not do a disappearing act in the radio series, the book, or the BBC programmes, all supervised in part or whole by Adams. Are we to believe that a first-time feature director who cut his teeth on music videos knows better than one of the foremost British humourists of the late 20th century? If so, we might as well let Hamlet be directed by badgers, and MacBeth by potted azeleas. They would do less damage than this.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Yahoo! Gets Earth Day Crazy! (Edited Version...no, really)

As Stew pointed out a few posts ago, it is Earth Day (at least for the next 5 minutes). Being Earth Day, many of you have done you're bit to clean the planet up a bit, to think about ways to conserve energy and to be more responsible stewards of God's creation, etc...

Meanwhile, over at Yahoo! they have decided that what is really necessary is to "Save the World!!!" Yes, at Yahoo! the choice is not just a cleaner planet or more sensible administration of our natural resources; the choice is save the world or die in an infinite sea of junk mail. In keeping with this infinitely more sensible rhetoric (at least to those of us who are on the lookout for more material for our comedy blog), I have decided to replace their rather mundane suggestions (such as seeking out organic produce or taking public transportation, as though that's going to stop Lex Luthor from melting the polar ice caps with his super heat ray) with more appropriate actions for saving the world.

Yahoo! 10 Simple Steps to Save the World in a Day
(notwithstanding Our Lord and Saviour's work in that department)

by Earl Fando (superhero sidekick 4th class - Apprenticed to the Golden Tickler)

1. Reflect a Roid
No, we're not suggesting you take up proctology! Instead, you can deflect giant asteriods heading to earth with your super magnetic vision. This will not only prevent a catastrophic collision that could wreck your current home planet and force you to take up residence on Alpha Centuri where, let's face it, the babes all look like lizards, but will also heal muscle sprains and bruises more quickly through potent magnetic energy!

2. Smack Down a Super Baddie
While we at Yahoo! (cue yodeling) do not advocate unnecessary violence, let's face facts. You have super strength. You're tired of accidentally breaking things in your own home with it, like lightswitches, lamps, couches, TV remotes, computer keyboarxxcowh (see what I mean), small pets, etc. You need to blow off steam. Why not foil a super villain before he gets started? Whack Doctor Doom (TM Marvel Comics) about his iron face before he builds a death ray! Mash Mr. Myxyzptlk (© DC Comics - not a super strength keyboard error) before he has the chance to annoy humanity again with his silly name!

3. Fuse a Fault!
You remember Superman, the Movie as well as we do. Lex Luthor was going to sink California into the sea by starting a massive earthquake with a nuclear bomb. Sound preposterous? You wish!! There are hundreds of fault lines throughout the world and plenty of nuclear bombs as well. Since taking out the nukes would only bring Kofi Annan and his lads down on your head (and who needs all the paperwork and bribery that goes with that gig) the simplest way is to put that super heat vision to work and seal up those fault lines. Yes, the Earth may become geologically unstable and explode in a million pieces...but we can't risk losing Hollywood, the meal ticket of many a washed up superhero!

4. Turn Back the Clock
Sticking with the Superman theme, for those of you with super speed, wouldn't it be nice to turn back time to a simpler day before the industrial revolution, or for those superheroes with luddite, pre-agrarian sympathies, before the dawn of man and super villians themselves!!! (Yahoo! does not bear any legal responsibility for superheroes who are eaten by dinosaurs or hit by giant asteroids - see suggestion #1 - as a result of turing back time to pre-human eras. This is in part because Yahoo! will not have yet been invented during said eras.)

5. Power On Dude!
Fearful that the world energy resources may take mankind to the brink of extinction? Happen to have super-electrical powers? You can make a difference by powering whole regional grids by yourself! Contact AmeriCorps for further information. 24 hour work shifts may apply.

6. Extinguish the Sun!
(Editors note: This was sent in as a prank by the notorious Nazi super villian The Red Skull [TM Marvel Comics]. There are no major world-saving benefits to extinguishing the Sun. While incidences of skin cancer and sunburns would in fact decrease to naught, all life would actually perish as a result, except for the Red Skull and his underground fortress, and those living in certain swankier portions of the Batcave.)

7. Oscillate the Ozone
Worried about the apparent decrease in ozone? Happen to have the super ability to absorb flourocarbons, like Hair-Spray Abosorbo Man [TM- Nobody, but will work for food]? You could fly for the day to the Antarctic to safeguard our precious ozone...and bodily fluids!

8. Chill The Caps
So many people are worried about global warming, but those of you with super freeze breath know better. A simple morning's outing in the polar ice cap region (aided by a York Peppermint pattie) could add centuries to the polar ice layers. Just be careful and don't accidentally start a new ice age! (Tee hee!)

9. Super Prolific Procreation
Are you a Superhero who also happens to hold to certain polygamous religious beliefs as found in the Middle East or rural Utah? You could contribute to a whole generation of future world-saving superheroes! Those of you with super speed and numerous spouses could handle the job in an afternoon! (Captain Viagra need not apply.)

10. Surf the Seas
Concerned about ocean pollution? Overfishing? Happen to be the king of Atlantis? You can organize massive fish migrations, set up patrols of trident-wielding mermen, and distracting comely mermaids, and alter the face of seafaring commerce forever. Just try not to get caught in those pesky tuna nets or you'll wind up in a sandwich like Aquaboy! (Sorry Charlie!)

Post 273 or Yahoo! Gets Earth Day Crazy (Yo Momma Version)

Let's try again. (Now I realize many of you are thinking, "Why didn't you just delete the previous post and start again from scratch instead of leaving it up there for all 12 of us to see? Isn't it a bit like the old line about sausage-making, that you don't really want to see how it gets done, you just want the delicious end product? Can't you just leave the editing and soul-searching behind the scenes?" although Zimpter is probably thinking, "This thing will be in turnaround by April 27th." Well, you're wrong, all 13 of you. We want to be transparent here, which is why we blog under pen names like Stew and Fando. Wait, that didn't make any sense. We don't want to be too transparent here. However, we do want you to see how we reach the relatively silly heights we do. We want you, the readers, all twelve of you, unless Next Blog sends us a really nice batch on a particular day, to understand the lengths we will go to make you laugh, before giving up and turning to really cheap jokes like:"Why did the horn players eat beans all the time? So they could toot on command." So you see, all this effort is really worth it or you'd spend your days reading really lame flatulence jokes all the time, or lawyer jokes like this one: "What's the difference between a lawyer and a school of piranha? The piranha will leave bones." Now do you see the tortured difference between this site and "joke" sites?!? Still no? Must we resort to the dreaded "Yo Momma is so [blank]" jokes? I thought not...)

OK, I was unavoidably distracted by the regular readership there...demanding lot that they are. One more try.

*************

For those who were curious:

1. Yo momma's so fat that, 10 minutes before she does aerobics, all the dogs in the neighborhood start howling.

2. Yo momma's so ugly that, when she was born, the doctor slapped the placenta by mistake.

3. Yo momma's so stupid, she thinks the Atkins diet consists of eating people named Atkins (less offensive alternate line: Atkins pickles)

4. Yo momma's so short, she has to stand on a stepladder to scratch her own bum.

All right, I'm done with that line of questioning for now M'Lord.

Post 272 (or, It's Late and I Couldn't think of a Better Title)

That was a horrible name for a post. You'd think I wasn't even trying. Wait. I'll start again.

Happy Earth Day!!

We can't let Earth Day come and go without some mention. I hope everyone out there who loves clean air and water will get involved and do something. I won't breathe or drink anyting else. Oh, I am also going over to Lukas P. Short's big Earth Day shindig that he throws at his ranch in Texas. He is a self-described "man of the earth" and is always busy this time of year. I got a sneak peek at his "to do" list for this year's party.

To do before big Earth Day party

  • Cut down that pesky old oak out front so I can see more earth on Earth Day. It’ll make good sawdust for oil spills in the shop and mulch for the flowerbeds.

    Drive SUV into town to pick up some cheap tuna at Wal-Mart for appetizers. Get the Flipper brand stuff. I do love the great taste of porpoise.

    Fire up my big old diesel generator to run the 10,000 light “I Love Earth Day” sign I made.

    Slaughter a few head of cattle to barbecue and make leather placemats for the party. Call Billy Ray to make the “I (heart) Earth Day” designs on them.

    Clear-cut a couple of acres for the “tree plantin’” . I think an oak would look nice in there.

    Buy 20 gallons of kerosene for the lamps so we can feast our eyes on the Earth when the sun goes down.

He means well, he really does.

*************

p.s. Zim, I loved Wanda in Pootie Tang. But what was there NOT to like?

Zimpter and Wanda Sykes

Just saw Wanda Sykes and had a really great conversation with her.

Here is a dramatic reenactment of the conversation as performed by the * and $. (The * is me and the $ is Wanda)

The scene takes place in a busy Ralph's Grocery store in the Sherman Oaks Studio City region of the San Fernando Valley.

*: (Reaching to remove a plastic bag from the roll of bags in the veggie aisle) Excuse me. Sorry about that (reaching over her shoulder a bit).

$: Oh you're okay.

That was it. Wanda is a really nice person. A giving and caring yet quiet woman who needs her space. As a friend, I gave it to her. I am sure we will be hanging out again soon. I will keep everyone posted when this happens.

-Zimpter

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Seacrest? Walk of Fame?

The Walk of Fame is that well-known Hollywood institution where stars bearing the names of well-known entertainment personalities are placed on prominent sidewalks. No visit to Hollywood is complete without hearing someone say, "Myrtle, I just stepped on Kevin Costner!" or some other well-known personality.

I myself have gently trod upon Groucho Marx, Charles Chaplin, and Buster Keaton, who are three of my favourites. (I have however vowed to repeatedly stamp on John Tesh and Paul Anka's stars should I ever come across them. By all accounts they're two very nice gentlemen, but between Entertainment Tonight and You're Having My Baby, they have stolen precious minutes of my life that could otherwise have been spent sleeping or playing Virtual Trapped in a Well. Honoring them with a Walk of Fame star is, to me, in the same category as giving the Nobel Peace Prize to Yasser Arafat or Henry Kissenger...highly inappropriate.)

Apparently Hollywood is getting desperate for new Walk of Fame honorees. The latest "celebrity" to be so honoured is the host of American Idol, Ryan Seacrest. Now, don't get me wrong, but what, aside from hosting a glorified talent show for the magic demographic age set, has Mr. Seacrest done to qualify him for a star? I realize he is also a radio guy, and perhaps he's more well known in that department, but really, hosting a talent show? Walk of Fame? Is he the finest talent show host the entertainment industry has ever seen? Has he raised the relatively low and unthreatening standards Ed McMahon set during his run of Star Search? Does he do the show multilingually? Whilst dancing? And yet, apparently, Robert Redford, Mel Gibson, Jane Fonda, and Clint Eastwood do not yet have stars.

In all fairness to Seacrest, he dealt with the honour in an endearingly humble, and for my sixpence, honest way. He's quoted in the article as saying, "I actually thought it was a joke when I heard that they were going to do this." and "One person is going to come today.' ... I thought this would be the most unpopular star dedication ever." Clearly he knows where things stand.

He seems a very nice bloke at that... but I'm still going to stamp on his star if I come across it. Nothing personal. The 15 minutes I lost watching American Idol were very important to me.

Popmaize research...

Stew, I love the name of the institute doing the popcorn (we call it maize) research in the article: Purdue's Whistler Center for Carbohydrate Research. Which suggests to me that this is a bunch of people who spend most of their time wolfing down crisps, chips, biscuits, and other starchy foods. In my imagination I visualise people getting fired from the place simply for going on the Atkins diet.

Hemp and popcorn research? I imagine there were a whole lot of videos and film of kernels exploding in slow motion. I just hope they weren't sniffing butter salt between microwaved batches of the maize.

This makes April 15 all worth it.

Yes, a mystery as old as corn (we at DOUI like to call it maize) has been solved. Researchers divereted from finding a cure for cancer, discovering the Yeti, and unlocking the secrets of Rosanne Barr's success have found out why not all of the kernels in a bag of popcorn pop. We caught up with the head of the team Dr. Timothy Chong Leary.

Stew: Doctor Chong Leary welcome.

Dr. Chong Leary: Please call me Orville.

Stew: You don't go by Timothy anymore?

Dr. Chong Leary: No, since the discovery I prefer Orville Redenbacker the Third.

Stew: Orville, why popcorn, why not Yeti's or The Loch Ness Monster?

Dr. Chong Leary: Well Stew, popcorn was easier. The logistics of hunting for a Yeti in the Northwest or Canada and certainly going to Scotland would have set us back more than popping corn in a laboratory.

Stew: So it was the money?

Dr. Chong Leary: No, we're just lazy and we were hungry.

Stew: We have read about the research but please tell us the kind of things that went on during your search for the answer.

Dr. Chong Leary: There were a lot of hard, tireless research hours put in. Popping the corn, using calipers on things, twisting knobs, and of course plenty of hemp.

Stew: And then your discov... did you say hemp?

Dr. Chong Leary: Yes, we used it as a control for the research staff. Half were on hemp and half were not. We used it to judge whether the staff were enjoying the research and halfway through we switched.

Stew: Pardon me Professor, but this sounds like an excuse to smoke dope.

Dr. Chong Leary: So sue me, we were researching popcorn kernels for heaven's sake.

Stew: Now that you've made this discovery what are you working on next?

Dr. Chong Leary: Well besides being in rehab I hope to start research on bits of lint I have found in my pockets.

Stew: Best of luck with that Dr. Chong Leary. And now back to the studio.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

At last...Zimpter!

Well, I must say it's about time our voice of Hollywood, via Encino, has arrived to blog freely away about the very private lives of the celebrities we know and love and in some rare cases, stalk. (I'm referring to those of you out there who are completely deranged, not to actual members of the blog. If we were stalking a celebrity, we'd write about it here. That is what blogs are for.)

So we're looking for some interesting observations from Zimpter, and maybe we can somehow get him press credentials for Oscar live-blog II next year. Wouldn't be great to get real-time blogging from the red carpet with lines like the following:

"Hillary Swank just walked by. I told her she smelled really nice for someone with the last name Swank."

"Sean Penn was here a second ago. He trod on my foot, so I started humming "Live to Tell". Ben Affleck finally pulled him off of me." (Actually, Zimpter would kick Penn's scrawny white bum into the Kodak Theater and out if it came to blows.)

"Jack "Boom Boom" Valenti just referred to me as 'Tony'. I have no idea why."

"Beyonce's coming up the red carpet now. Let me see if I can get her to stop her sedan chair for a moment to chat."

So welcome to our little dictionary Zimpter. One more thing...Take the challenge!

Greetings Zimpter!!!

Great to have you on board, or is it on-board, or aboard. Needless to say, we have been anticipating your arrival, me especially since I am a fan of your Family Matters fan fiction. My favorite was the Family Matters/Family Ties page-turner with the steamy romance between Jaleel and Tina Yothers. I could almost envision their sweaty, writhing... sorry I got a little carried away there. Good luck with your blogging.

Zimpter Fiforg ...Greetings from Hollywood

As I am new to this blog I thought I should introduce myself. I am Zimpter Fiforg, former haberdasher to the stars. I gave up that career path after a nasty run in with Ed McMahon. I am now currently working as an agent at WMA, not the William Morris Agency. The WMA I work for is the lesser known (but far superior in my opinion) Wilton Morton Agency. I have developed quite a little niche placing fat/tubby actors in a variety of high profile roles (Jorge Garcia, Hurley on Lost, anyone!).

Hollywood, California, it's a strange little town I like to call home. I don't actually live in Hollywood, I live in Encino but I really like calling Hollywood home. So that's what I do. As for hobbies I enjoy spelunking, writing fan fiction for various Family Matters (the hit TV show from the 90's starring Jaleel White) and making falafels.

Challenge taken!

Sorry this was a rush job due to my being busy this morning, what with having to try to watch The View and an Oprah re-run at the same time on my TIVO. Here she goes...


1. The most ridiculous thing you have ever uttered in front of a woman?
Stew's response: “Picture this, you, me, a bubble bath, and a bottle of champagne.” Problem was I was at IHOP trying to order a Rootie Tootie Fresh n’ Fruity and it came out wrong. Talk about being embarrassed.

2. The international dictator you most resemble?
Stew's response: I would have to say Kim Jung Il, only a couple of feet taller, no pompadour, and I’ve killed a few million less people. A close second would have to be Martha Stewart.

3. The most unfortunate name for a pope?
Stew's response: After Pope Hilarius was Pope Simplicius. An even more unfortunate name would be Pope Syphilis I.

4. Your favourite flavour of ice cream and why?
Stew's response: Tax Crunch by Baskin Robbins. It has a double meaning and it goes well with bacon.

5. Most annoying sport and why?
Stew’s response: Golf. Why you ask? BECAUSE I’VE PLAYED IT, AND IT HAS DRIVEN ME MADDDDDDDDDD.

6. The most frightening scene in a movie?
Stew's response: I think this speaks for itself. Kids, don’t do drugs, they’ll kill ya.

7. Your favourite movie or TV animal and why?
Stew's response: Well besides the Mansquito, I would have to give this one to Wile E. Coyote because he is a doer and not a talker. Sure, he may get knocked down a few times, a few ACME rockets might explode in his face, and he might have a train run over him coming from a tunnel he painted on a sheer rock face… but he gets back up and does it all over again.

8. The most embarrassing line from a 1960's American situation comedy theme song?
Stew's response: “…with Gilligan, the Skipper too, the millionaire and his wife, the movie star, AND THE REST are here on Gilligan’s Island” from the first season of Gilligan’s Island 1964 -1967. There are only seven people stranded on a deserted island far out in the Pacific and two of you are “the rest”. I’m surprised they didn’t get swept away by a tsunami in the first episode.

9. The most ridiculous plot twist in a film, ever?
Stew's response: To me the worst plot twist was when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor in the movie of the same title. I mean come on; we all know it was the Belgians.

10. If you were an alien, where would you be from?
Stew's response: Oxycontin. Now there’s a planet where you can mellow out.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Take the Challenge!!!

One of the most interesting games being played these days in the blogging world is the "questions" game, where people send around a list of questions regarding either personal preference or trivial knowledge, and other people respond to it on their blogs. In the spirit of this game, I hereby offer the follwing questions to my colleagues at DOUI, Misters Miller, Vega, and, soon to be joining us, Fiforg (Mister Jose was last seen herding cattle at a golf course.)

I have provided my own answers below gentlemen. Do your best, worst, whatever. Please give us your choice for the following. (Ed. note - Feel free to make up answers if they are funnier.) Readers may send their own answers to these questions to earlfando@yahoo.com. Really good responses will be reproduced on the DOUI, so as to limit the amount of work necessary for the rest of the week. Please indicate whether you wish for us to use your real name, and the level of abuse you wish to be subjected to in writing:

1. The most ridiculous thing you have ever uttered in front of a woman?
Earl's response: "If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, come on sugar let me know." (Oops, sorry, that was the most embarrassing thing Rod Stewart ever said to a woman.)

2. The international dictator you most resemble?
Earl's response: Trotsky, except without the glasses and about 20 pounds heavier. Oh, yeah, and I'm not currently sporting facial hair. If Jeff Lynne were a dictator instead of the creative force behind ELO, I'd have said him.

3. The most unfortunate name for a pope?
Earl's response: Pope Hilarius (Backup answers: Pope Sextus I, and Pope Coitus I)

4. Your favourite flavour of ice cream and why?
Earl's response: Egg and Bacon flavour... good heavens people, we're talking bacon! (Backup answer: Pork chop ripple)

5. Most annoying sport and why?
Earl's response: Polo. The only sport where some of the competitors defecate during the competition. (Note to HRH Prince Charles: I'm talking about the horses, mate.)

6. The most frightening scene in a movie?
Earl's response: Anything with Pauley Shore. His first scene always fills me with the same kind of dread other people got when the Alien popped out of John Hurt's stomach in Alien (but which I thought was smashing!)

7. Your favourite movie or TV animal and why?
Earl's response: Manimal, because this kind of hilarious stupidity is rare greatness. A man who can turn into to any animal in order to fight crime? Who needs Flipper or Lassie? (Backup answer: Alf)

8. The most embarrassing line from a 1960's American situation comedy theme song?
Earl's response: "Our Patty likes to rock and roll, a hot dog makes her lose control..." From The Patty Duke Show, 1963-1966

9. The most ridiculous plot twist in a film, ever?
Earl's response: Spock has a brother? Actually the most ridiculous twist is in Scherzo del Destino in Agguate Dietro l' Angolo Come un Brigante da Strada (Which strangely enough is Italian for Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith) where director Lina Wertmuller expects us to believe that even someone as inept as a politician could become trapped in his own car for most of the film (and even more ridiculously expects us to believe that the enormous title of her film is somehow poetic and meaningful)... but how many of you have seen that?

10. If you were an alien, where would you be from?
Earl's response: Islington. (Backup answer: Ringoxicron, which you humans refer to as Antares, the seat of galactic power, the throne of the ancient interstellar kingdom of Mongopolis, the capital of the Wikipedia Federation, and the ancient repository of all scientific and humourous knowledge outside the planet Earth. You probably would have found that creepy though.)

Does this mean I should sell my stock?

News has hit the automotive world today that GM has posted a quarterly loss of $1.1 billion. While the numbers boggle the mind we must understand that it is a very competitive business and one wrong move can put you behind your rivals. With that in mind we bring you the Top 10 Bad Decisions made by General Motors (not sanctioned by the Letterman show – yet, but we’re trying)

10 .GM’s new hydrogen powered car the GMC Hindenberg.

9. GM incentive program, a date with Mike Tyson.

8. GM sponsorship of National Drink and Drive Day.

7. The Buick Crumplezone.

6. Chevrolet’s new slogan: “More cars, More miles, More gas.”

5. With every test drive, a free massage from your salesman.

4. The Cadillac Gas-guzzler.

3. New color choice… Bondo gray.

2. No longer using fine Corinthian leather, now using the second-rate stuff.

1. New slogan: “Want a Hummer?”

Good for the heart...

Stew, the only thing I could get out of the article (and I may be completely misreading it) is that the government expects us to replace the "fats and oils", "meats", "breads", and "vegetables" parts of our diet entirely with pinto beans. I expect Atkins-based companies might see their shares plummet.

On the other hand, natural gas is bound to go up.

I told you so...I told you so!!

You people thought I was only joking when I said that they were changing the food pyramid. This article should explain everything. Now I can work on the new periodic table. I am at this very moment working on a formula to turn lead into gold. My problem was that the letter codes on the table were messed up so I kept trying to turn lanthanum into gadolinium. Who knew gold was Au? Does that make sense to anyone else?

Monday, April 18, 2005

Don't Worry, Be Happy?

Fox News reports that happiness may be the key to better health. Apparently a recent study of British civil servants indicated that there was a correlation between happiness and good health.

In a related story to be released tomorrow, the British Happiness Association will report that people who are in good health tend to be much happier that the rest of us poor gits who have allergies, diseases, and other health issues. They will smile incessantly during the announcement, the smug bastards.

I mean, come on mates, healthy people would tend to be a bit happier, and you could point to good health as a legitimate reason for happiness. However, assuming from a study like this that your likelihood of acquiring, say jaundice or smallpox, might go down a bit, just because you're wearing a smile and are leaving your worries at the door, strikes me as being as daft as a duck wearing a jumper.

What's more, the advice offered is a trite, well...trite. For example:

"--Act happy...
--Focus beyond yourself.
--Appreciate what you have.
--Try keeping a gratitude journal of what you're thankful for..."

"Act happy"? I thought it was actual happiness that warded off disease and pestilence. I might as well "act" like I'm taking penecillin the next time I get a sinus infection. This just in... people in the acting profession are more likely to be healthy than non-actors because they can fool diseases into passing them by with a fake cheery smile and pretending to have a spring in their step.

Meanwhile, I'll be starting my "gratitude journal" tomorrow in the hopes that it will ward off the bubonic plague.

Also, what about those people who have awful mood swings? What will these scientists lead them to expect? "Feeling chipper one minute? Great! No worries about malaria or cholera! Getting the blues for just a moment? Your chance of contracting leprosy just tripled!" I imagine it's worse for those "acting" depressed or moody. No wonder actors think it's bad luck to bring up MacBeth.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

The Force Flowing Through Me Like Thoughts of Devito

Did you hear the mostest exciting good news? Maybe you didn't. It is still very early, but Jorge Carlito Viejo, which is me, just got hold of secret information about another Star Wars movie which is coming to the theaters nearest to your house sometime in May. Yes, I know it is very early to hear of such news, but I have secret contacts deep in the movie industry who are Knights Templar and privy to the mostest sacred ceremonies of washing the Danny Devito's feet every Tuesday and listen in on private Hollywood conversations. Anyway, it can now be revealed many of the secret information about this new Star Wars movie which will arrive on the bootleg DVD in the kiosk in the marketplace in Juarez in late April.

Here is what Jorge Carlito is able to finally reveal to your aching yearn-yearn eyes.

Stars Wars, Episode III, Sith Person Getting the How You Say Revenge is official title from mouth of George Lucas.

This movie stars Evan Dando as Obi One Reginald Jedi who is wise old man with lightning sword and beard that give strength to him. Also this movie star Natalie Portman as some kind of hunchback werewolf who eat people, I think, and maybe also a witch who rules over an island nation of one legged persons with red eyes. There is also in this movie some actor name Samuel, or possibly Michael, Jackson who play quiet man with sword and brown robe who sitting around and be angry to be in movie and play, I think I heard, a witch with power to turn sandwiches into gold bars, maybe. Plus, Danny Devito appear in one scene as sacred ostrich egg which break open and super-intelligent earthworm come out and save the world from the angry, angry troposphere.

This looking to be a powerhouse performance of movie. Here is a quick breakdown of plot.

--Some guy getting stabbed. Lot of screaming and a cake gets thrown through a window. Cats hiss at shadows.
--Darth Bader rise up from dusty bin and produce glowering lightning stick which he use to cut open a doorway to heaven.
--Heaven don't accepting the Bader so he go home, get attacked by Obi Won who mad about some money got stolen or maybe finger was bit off by some kind of rabid, like, ape with a hammer, I thinking.
--Ape with hammer smashing the apple out of Bader hand before he can eat it. Bader kick ape and hammer fall into ravine which lead down to Hades.
--Something about a werewolf or a witch, take your pick.
--Big sword fight with maybe the Ape and a...um, let's see...genetically altered gazelle who has human lips grafted onto his gazelle lips so he can talk.
--Um, space battle?
--Something blow up. Bader return. Darth turn out to be his half sister. Some kind of blood spills out of a cup.
--I don't know this part. Keep going.
--I think the moon crash into the Indian Ocean, awakening Kongzilla who eats an island, maybe New Zealand.
--The Ape returns. More Bader. Kongzilla. Danny Devito works his way into this scene. Maybe a glimpse of Robin Williams in the background eating a biscuit. Um, uh, an explosion. A spaceship or a shiny Datsun.
--Werewolf marries witch. Kongzilla marry Bader. Darth marry biscuit. Obi Won marry Datsun. Super-intelligent worm marry Danny Devito.
--Something else happens.
--The end.

So that sounds pretty excitement oriented, would you say? Star Wars, Episode the III, Revenging of the Person What is Sith will come to theater near you sooner than you can bear, but remember that you heard the scoop first here from your friendly, neighborhood Jorge Carlito Viejo and his insider tips.

Hang Ten Dude....Ouch!!! My Bunions!

This Associated Press story on senior citizen surfers gives hope to all of us that we will be able to continue to enjoy our favorite pasttimes in old age. (Sadly, for myself this will not be true as my favorite pasttime is staying up past 8 p.m.) Unfortunately, the story leaves out the oldest of these blue-haired boardsters, James "Jimmy" "Duke" "Flippy" "Moondoggie" "Yahtzee" Poseidon of Huntington Beach, California, U.S.A. This geriatric wave-glider is a spry 106 years old and has been surfing since he was 7. I spoke to him via short-wave radio to ask about his legendary career as a surfer, his current form, and agrarian reform in sub-Saharan Africa, which he was suprisingly knowledgable about for a senile old pipeline-rider.

Earl: James, tell me about how you got started surfing?

James: What's that? Speak up, boy, I can't hear you!

Earl: TELL ME ABOUT YOUR START AS A SURFER!

James: Eh! What's that you said?

*******

(2 hours later)

Earl: James, now that you've found the battery for your hearing aid, tell me about how you got started surfing?

James: Oh, you can call me "Slinky", all my friends do.

Earl: I wasn't aware that Slinky was one of your nicknames.

Slinky: What's that? Oh, yes all the ladies call me slinky because of the way I tend to tumble down stairs.

Earl: I'm not a lady.

Slinky: In that case, call me "Jimmy".

Earl: Right..."Jimmy"

Jimmy: Unless you're not actually a surfer yourself.

Earl: Well, actually no, I don't surf.

Jimmy: Then call me "Flippy".

Earl: Why "Flippy"?

Flippy: Cause if you're not a lady or a surfer Sonny, all you'll get is the bird from me.

Earl: Can we just do the interview?

Flippy: Oh, all right...

*******

(45 minutes later)

Earl: Is he awake now? OK... "Flippy", tell me about how you got started surfing?

Flippy: Well, back in 1901, I was a boy traveling on a schooner to Hawaii and the ship was blown up by a left over landmine from the Spanish Civil War.

Earl: Wait a minute. How did a leftover land mine from the Spanish Civil War wind up in Hawaii?

Flippy: Dag-nab-it son... ain't you ever heard of the Gulf Stream? (Earl sighs) Anyway, I was in the water, about to go down for the 3rd time, when a piece of wood from the ship floated by. I grabbed it, climbed on board and rode that thing down through the Waimea pipeline and to shore. That was my first wave and one of the best ones I ever caught.

Earl: And you've been at it ever since?

Flippy: Yup! Except for a brief sabbatical between 1937 and 1957 when I was a world class jai-alai player.

*******

Earl: Tell me Flippy, what was your most memorable experience as a surfer?

Flippy: What, getting blown up at sea and riding a splintered plank through the surfboard hell that's the "Pipe" aint good enough for you?

Earl: I mean after that...

Flippy: Oh...well, that'd have to be the time I wacked ol' Adolf Hitler over the head with my surfboard.

Earl: Hitler? Really?

Flippy: Yup! I was doing an exhibition at Rostock, on the Baltic sea, in 1932 and some dad-burn fool of an idjit was body-surfing in the exhibition area. At first I thought I'd surfed down old Charlie Chaplin, until this guy starts cursing at me in German.

Earl: You didn't know it was Hitler?

Flippy: Not until the war. I've still got the surfboard though, and it's still got the dents.

Earl: Dents?

Flippy: Yeah, I was pretty much a hothead back in them days and when he interrupted my exhibition I beat the crap out of him with my board and shouted "I got your City Lights right here pal!". They said that afterwards, if someone said the word "surfboard" to him, he'd fall to the floor in a fetal position and suck his thumb for hours.

Earl: Speaking of celebrities, did you know famous surfing legend and Olympic swimming gold medalist Duke Kahanamoku?

Flippy: Oh, yeah! Nice guy. He and I ran over each other with our boards dozens of times. I got the nickname Duke because we looked so much alike, 'cept for my goatee, and the fact that he was six inches taller and 30 pounds lighter than I was in those days...and I was bald too.

*******

Earl: What was your best trick on the surfboard?

Flippy: Well, besides bashing Nazis on the head with my board, I use to do the Charleston while catching a big wave.

Earl: The Charleston? Wasn't it difficult to keep your balance?

Flippy: Difficult? Hell, I fell off the board everytime! But for half a second each time, it was pure magic!

*******

Earl: Flippy, they tell me you're still surfing today.

Flippy: Yup, I'm going for 100 years of surfing and I've only got about 9 months to go.

Earl: That's very impressive. Tell me, what's the most difficult thing about surfing for a man of your age?

Flippy: That's an easy one...getting my motorized wheelchair on the board!

*******

And so we wished James "Jimmy" "Duke" "Flippy" "Moondoggie" "Yahtzee" "Slinky" "Hitler-Beater" "Hang Two-Wheeler" "Tiberius" Poseidon all the best. May he surf on for years to come.